The Time For Change Is Now
by Reika
Summary: THANK YOU! Thank's guys WOOT!I PROMISED I'D KEEP UPDATING! NEW CHAPTER FOR YOU! It's been two years and still Dee and Ryo can't get it together. Dee finally realizes a few things that may change everything. Ryo will have to choose...if he gets the chance
1. Expect the unexpected

Disclaimer: Not mine…please don't sue me. 

A/N: Okay…it had to be done. I've covered Harry Potter…well…it's almost covered anyways. I finally got Gravitation under my belt, now that leaves Fake and Yami no Matsuei. SO…This is what you get. I had a lot of fun writing this…so I really hope you have fun reading it. I'm known for my angst…but it is balanced. I try to keep things real to some degree…and always refuse to let my characters take the easy way out…because people rarely do. I kind of pretended the last few volumes of the manga didn't happen for this story (otherwise it would make no sense). So I would say this takes place somewhere in the middle. Dee and Ryo have been partners for around two years and Ryo is just as wishy washy (I *cannot* believe I just used that term) as ever about their other "relationship". That said…on with the story!

Please read and review. It would be greatly appreciated. 

The Time For Change Is Now.

Chapter 1.……..Expect the unexpected.

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Ryo MacLean sighed heavily as he entered his New York City apartment. Although he would never admit it, he was a little sad his partner had opted to just go back to his own place for the night. Bikky was staying with Cal and this left his home feeling…empty. Of course, had he asked Dee to come over he would undoubtedly had to fight off his many advances. The empty apartment only spurring him on. 

Ryo didn't really know what it was he wanted from Dee. He was pretty sure he knew what Dee wanted from him…at least…to some degree. It had been a while since he'd come to the realization that he could no longer hide behind the accusation that Dee wasn't serious about him. The man had waited patiently and had, indeed, proved to Ryo that he was both faithful and serious. Still, Ryo couldn't find it in him to give in. He could readily admit to himself that he cared for Dee…but Dee was his partner…he was *supposed* to care about him. More than once it had angered Ryo that Dee had even opened these floodgates - blurring the lines between partners and more. He also could not deny that he felt something when Dee kissed him…yet…he had never *not* felt something when he'd been kissed. Chemistry…maybe. Or physics…perhaps? All Ryo knew was that it was *science*…nothing more. A body reacts when it is stimulated. He pushed away the questionable thoughts that entered his head when he thought of Dee's kisses - the rejection aided by stung masculinity. 

Making a cup of tea before bed, Ryo decided that it was stupid to even ponder these same questions again and again. He'd figure things out eventually. And Dee would always be there…wouldn't he?

**************************************************

Dee felt bad for lying to Ryo. It wasn't a big lie…but it was a *lie*. He'd told his partner that he was tired, and preferred to just go home…it had been a long day. Truth be told…he just needed to think. And he couldn't think at home. Everything reminded him of Ryo. He was surprised that his partner hadn't picked up on his melancholy mood. Usually when faced with an evening alone with Ryo, he would salivate and quickly formulate his battle tactics; determined to divide pale legs and conquer a resisting heart. Surely Ryo noticed the atypical situation. Maybe he wanted to give Dee time to think…and maybe…Dee had to admit…he just didn't care. 

Shaking his head in attempts to clear the treacherous thoughts from his mind, Dee entered the bar and slid into a stool. The bartender smiled at him and propped his elbows against the wood. The older man's mustache covered his grin, but Dee could see his expression by the wrinkles formed around his eyes. 

"Detective Laytner! Long time no see."

Dee smiled a weary smile and pushed his bangs from his eyes. "Heya Frank. Things have been…busy. I'll just have the usual."

The older man smiled again and proceeded to pour Dee his glass of whiskey. He slid the glass to Dee and slapped the bar towel over his shoulder. 

"This one's on the house. It's good to have you back."

Dee took a gulp and made a slight face as the liquor stung his insides. "Thanks Frank."

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, or how many glasses of whiskey he went though, but Dee was definitely needing a bathroom break. He stood and made his way to the restroom to relieve himself. He washed his hands and sauntered back to his seat at the bar. He was just about to slide in, still not ready to return to his empty home, when a shock of dark silver tinted hair caught his attention. 

Dee tried to focus his vision on the owner of said hair. Taking in the smaller man's form and suit he had confirmed…it was JJ. He wondered what the other detective was doing in *his* bar and anger overtook him at JJ's frequent intrusiveness. He was a breath away from marching up to him and booting him back out to the street when he stopped. JJ had his head down and his shoulders slumped forward. His fingers were wrapped around his drink and his nails made a rhythmic 'tink' as they each struck glass. The sniper was not small, despite being smaller than Dee, nor what one would call delicate, yet he was…graceful. Something about the lines of his body and the fluidity with which he moved marked him as almost…regal. Dee, however, knew this not to be true. Where JJ got his posture was anyone's guess…because it certainly wasn't breeding. 

Dee watched as JJ tossed back the remains of his drink and ordered another one before muttering something to himself and running a hand though his hair. He began to grow irritated. To Dee it was obvious that his colleague had come into the bar to drink away his frustrations over his long running infatuation with him. Dee Laytner was not a modest man. 

If JJ thought he could come into *his* bar and take away from *his* time to sulk, he had another thing coming. Dee charged over to him - alcohol fueling his ire. He stood behind JJ for a moment and when the slightly younger man did not turn around Dee poked his shoulder none too gently with his finger.

He blinked, and the sight that met him when he again opened his eyes quite closely resembled the barrel of a cocked and most likely loaded gun. 

__

'Jesus' Dee thought, noticing JJ's back still to him. _'All I did was blink and he pulled it on me that fast? He didn't even turn around…'_

Pushing the gun out of his face with furrowed brows Dee tried to speak without slurring. "Damn JJ, I was just going to see what you were doing here!" 

__

'Another small lie for the night…what the hell…might as well set a new record…'

A sigh escaped JJ and he sat his gun on the counter. When he spoke, his voice sounded small…and tired; he kept his back to Dee. "Sorry Dee Sempai…I'm a bit…tense. Try not to sneak up on me like that again."

That said, JJ went back to nursing his drink. Dee was shocked to say the least. The man hadn't tried to jump him once…he actually seemed rather…apathetic to Dee's presence. Something major had to be up. Sliding into the seat next to his long time admirer, Dee motioned to the bartender to fix both he and JJ another round. When the drinks arrived, he pushed JJ's over to him and tried to give what he hoped seemed like a friendly elbow to the arm. 

"Come on JJ…I know you love me more than life itself but it can't be all that bad can it? I mean…I'm no prize really…" Dee meant his comments in half-seriousness. 

JJ only slumped more and rested his head against the bar. "Don't flatter yourself Laytner. Actually this has *nothing* to do with you…" Dee could have sworn he heard him mumble "…for once…" under his breath. 

"Well shit JJ. What the hell's wrong with you then? I've never seen you this bothered…I kind of thought you didn't really get upset about anything…"

JJ scoffed. "Yeah…shows how much you know. In case you hadn't noticed…I *am* a human being…"

Sliding a little closer, Dee felt a small pang of regret. He hadn't actually ever thought of JJ's feelings. He tried to smile, but it went unnoticed by his unlikely companion who instead chose to stare into his empty glass. 

"So what's eating you then?"

"Nothing you would ever understand…"

Frowning, Dee poked a finger at him. "Now who's treating someone else like he's not a human being?"

JJ shrugged. "Sorry…just…family stuff…"

Dee scowled and began to get angry. "So I wouldn't understand because I don't *have* a family? Is that what you mean?"

Letting out a frustrated sigh, JJ turned his head to face Dee. "No…I didn't mean it like that. I didn't think…sorry. I just meant that you-" He waved a hand in Dee's direction. "-you don't seem to give a damn about what anyone thinks…friend…family…world…God…I wish I could be like that…"

"First of all" Dee began "I thought you *were* like that and second…as far as God goes…that's between me and him. But just for the record-" He looked up at the ceiling as if it were a portal to heaven. "I *do* give a damn."

"Well as for the rest of us on the *mortal* realm…I wish I had it the way you do…"

"JJ…I was abandoned…"

"I *know* that…but…you can still live under the hope and assumption that your parents loved you enough to think they were giving you a better life. At least you were raised with people who loved you…accepted you…"

Silence reigned for a time before JJ straightened and turned on his stool to face Dee directly. 

"Enough of my sob story…what are you doing here? I heard Ryo mention that his kid was gone tonight…I would have thought you'd be at his place taking advantage of the situation…"

It was Dee's turn to slump forward. "Yeah well you thought wrong. I'm beginning to think it may be a lost cause. I'm just…not ready to give up yet…or admit that the last two years of my life have been wasted…"

Dee realized only after the words had left him that it might not be the smartest idea in the world to tell this information to JJ, who would most likely take it as an invitation and try to rape him right there. He winced…waiting. Nothing happened. To Dee's surprise, JJ only smiled at him; it wasn't so much a smile as a smirk. 

"Believe me…I know how you feel."

Dee chuckled, realization washing over him. "Yeah…I guess you do…"

The two men continued to drink and chat as friends for the first time. Dee was surprised at how much the two of them had in common. It wasn't much, really…but it *was* more than he had ever assumed. To his astonishment, the conversation kept clear of matters of the heart…and other various anatomy. 

When Frank, the bartender, informed the two that it was well past closing time, Dee stood and JJ tried to follow suit…only to fall flat on his rear. He laughed it off, obviously feeling no pain, and stood on wobbly legs. 

"A cab it is for me then…"

Dee grabbed his arm and herded him towards the door. "Yeah…you're not driving anywhere. Here…I'll help you get one." 

The slightly smaller man's tolerance not matching that of his drinking partner's, JJ slumped into Dee and almost passed out right there. Dee held him upright and shook him a bit. "I don't even think you'll make a cab ride buddy…I live a block from here…you can sleep on my couch alright?"

JJ managed to slur something that sounded like "Oh say can you see" but was mostly likely "Okay, Dee."

After a struggle and an extremely annoying few flights of stairs, Dee managed to get JJ into his apartment and onto his couch. He took off the sniper's shoes and placed a blanket over him before heading to bed himself…tomorrow morning was not going to be fun…

***************************************************

TBC

Okay…I'm already pretty certain where I'm taking this…but I am open to suggestions. I read *a lot* of Fake fan fiction and Dee is my favorite character. I get *really* tired of seeing him get the short end of the stick after being so patient and trying really hard. I also get kind of tired of JJ being treated like he doesn't have any real feelings. But don't worry…I love Ryo too. I just think he's a bit…spoiled.

Please Review, 

Love and Kisses,

Reika


	2. None of your business

Disclaimer: Mine? No!

A/N: Well….here is chapter two. THANK YOU for all the reviews, this is my very first Fake fic, so I needed them. My stories tend to be character centric, more than plot based…so prepare for lots of emotions. Thanks again for the reviews and I hope you all enjoy this chapter just as much. *bows*

Chapter 2…………None of your business.

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Ryo tapped his fingers on his desk. Dee was late…as usual. He wondered what his partner had done the previous night. He most likely had gone home and had too much to drink; resulting in a hang over today…that Ryo would have to take care of.  The Chief came around the corner, scowling as usual. 

"MacLean, where's Laytner?"

Ryo tried to think up an excuse, but the Chief was a step ahead of him. "Well when he gets his lazy ass here, I need you two in my office."

"Yes sir." Ryo sighed…Dee was always getting them into trouble. And yet…Dee had saved his life multiple times, often not following protocol or procedure to do so. That was just…Dee. He didn't follow rules – he made his own. Ryo had to admit that he found this exciting, but he wasn't sure he could handle it as a permanent fixture in his life. 

Choosing not to dwell any longer on his unpunctual partner, Ryo got up from his desk for another cup of coffee. The sight that met him as he turned around shocked him to say the least.

***************************************************************

Dee grumbled as he forced his eyes open, he had a headache…but nothing unmanageable. He wondered how JJ was faring. Then it struck him…he hadn't awoken to an alarm. 

_'Oh shit'_

Looking at the clock he realized he was officially five minutes late for work. Scrambling out of bed and throwing on the nearest pair of pants he could find he rushed out to his living room to find JJ still racked out from his alcohol induced slumber. He shook him awake, not allowing the sniper any time to come to his full senses before yelling at him to get up. 

"I didn't set my alarm, we're late!"

"Dee Sempai! Damnit! I don't have any clothes; I'll hardly fit into yours!"

Throwing JJ's shoes in his direction, Dee rushed about grabbing everything he needed for the day. "Well I don't have time for a shower, so we're even. I'm sure you have something at the precinct, right?"

"Yeah" JJ mumbled as he sat up. He slapped a hand to his forehead and groaned as his cerebrum turned to mush. "Ugh…Dee Sempai, please tell me you have some aspirin…"

Slapping his tie around his neck so that it hung loose on either side, he nodded and grabbed the bottle of pain reliever. He fixed a quick glass of water and handed them both to JJ. 

"Alright, now come on, you can ride in with me."

********************************************************

Ryo stood there watching as Dee entered the precinct…with JJ. JJ was clad in the same clothes as the previous day, although more rumpled than before. His hair was slightly wild, not having been combed as of yet. Ryo looked over at Dee, whose suit was also wrinkled, although this was not unusual. His tie was undone, hanging about his neck and he was obviously unshowered. 

The two men were chatting somewhat jovially…since when did Dee get along with JJ? He just about to walk up and ask that very question when he heard Dee call out as he and JJ headed their separate ways. 

"So I'll take you to get your car when we get off."

Ryo stopped. He tried to make sense of everything when Dee approached him. "Hey Ryo…sorry I'm late, I overslept."

Ryo dismissed his comment and continued on his way to get his coffee. When he returned to his desk, he sat a mug down in front of Dee to which the darker man smiled and immediately began drinking. Sitting down, Ryo eyed Dee closely. "Is something wrong with JJ's car?"

Absently, Dee answered. "No, he just rode in with me. Why?"

"And why would he do that?"

Realization dawned on Dee and he immediately began fumbling to explain the previous night. "Ryo…no…it's not…I mean…"

Ryo quirked a brow. "You didn't answer my question."

Dee sighed and tried, again, to explain himself. "He stayed at my place. But Ryo…listen will you?"

Ryo stood abruptly, causing his chair to slide back rather noisily. "Sorry…no time. The chief wants us in his office." And with that he turned and left, heading for their superior and away from Dee. Dee scrambled to follow, talking all the while. "I was at Franks, and JJ was there and…"

He was cut off by the chief's yelling. "Laytner, god damnit! It's about time you showed up, get your ass in here!"

Dee and Ryo entered and listened as the chief handed them the details of their new case involving a group of dead teenage street thugs. Ryo seemed to take the information as he always did, while the case bothered Dee a bit more. If he hadn't made a few crucial decisions in his life, he very well could have been one of those kids at one time. Now they were just 'dead street rats'…and no one would even remember them now that they were gone. 

When they had finished with the chief, Dee tried once more to explain to Ryo the previous nights' events. "Ryo, look. I was feeling pretty shitty, so I stopped by Franks and JJ and I got to takin' and…"

Ryo interrupted him. "I don't see how any of this pertains to the case, or is any of my business."

Dee lost it. A strong and masculine man, Dee was known to be hot-headed. Few people, however, truly saw him lose his temper. And it was never pretty. "Fine! Here I am, busting my ass to explain to you, when I didn't even do anything wrong! I took care of JJ because he wasn't gonna make it home and your frigid ass wants to play the hot-cold game again! But you're right…it *isn't* any of your business. And if you *ever* look at me like that again – like a child that's done something wrong, so help me god I may forget that you are my partner and my friend and knock you through that fuckin' wall! I am a grown man, if you want to punish someone, go home to Bikky!"

The entire office stopped cold. A few of the senior officers had seen Dee lose it…but never at Ryo. Everyone had always assumed that in Dee's eyes, the Asian-American could do no wrong. Whatever had caused Dee to go off like that must've been huge. 

Ryo's eyes went wide at Dee's words. He could hardly believe his partner had blown up at him like that. His shock, however, soon gave way to embarrassment as he realized his coworker's stares. The mortification soon morphed into anger at Dee for drawing such attention to their "relationship" in the middle of work. As Dee stomped off for the records room, Ryo muttered something under his breath and went to follow, determined to have his say so. His advances were soon thwarted by JJ, who stepped in his path. 

"Excuse me JJ; I need to get to the records room."

JJ put his hand on Ryo's chest, stopping his movement. The precinct sniper was an inch or two shorter than Ryo, but the hard look on his face warned the other man not to argue. "Not so fast. I don't think you want me going off on you in here after that, so I suggest you just listen to what I have to say."

Annoyed, Ryo crossed his arms over his chest. "Fine…talk"

JJ mimicked his gesture. "Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life and I just *happened* to run into Dee at a bar across town. I had a bit too much to drink and he let me sleep on his couch because I wasn't going to make it home…not that it's any of your business, as he said. He was only in that bar because he was depressed over you, and I will *not* let you berate him for actually giving a damn about somebody else."

After hearing this, Ryo did feel bad about jumping to conclusions, but he certainly wasn't going to show this to JJ. "Fine. If that's all, I've got to get started on this case."

As Ryo started to walk away, JJ snagged his arm and narrowed his eyes. "One more thing." He poked a finger at Ryo's chest, completely fearless of the other man that could easily take him in hand to hand combat. "Know this. He's a good man, and you don't deserve him. You slip up one more time…and I am going to be there. Got it?"

Ryo ripped his arm away from JJ, irritated at having been yelled at by two people in the course of ten minutes. As much as he hated to admit it, JJ's words intimidated him, and Ryo hated feeling weak. He had to admit that he was not at all thrilled by the prospect of JJ finally getting his way with Dee…but he wasn't about to be forced into any relationship out of superficial jealousy. With a sigh, he finally made his way down to the records room. 

When he entered the darkly lit room, he noticed Dee bent over a filing cabinet rummaging through some folders. Although his presence was obvious from both the light filtered in when he opened the door and the noise he made, Dee did not acknowledge him. He approached his brooding partner and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"Dee…look. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions…I didn't mean to act like your mother or anything…"

Dee snapped his head up and shrugged Ryo's hand away. "My mother? Damnit Ryo…if you acted like my mother, you would have just left me alone. You were acting like a jealous lover…and you *know* it."

Ryo blushed slightly and looked away. "T…that's not true, I…"

His ire renewed, Dee snorted and turned back to his files. "It's obvious that we have some things to discuss. Something has to change, Ryo. But this isn't the time or place…so let's just get started on this case." It was not a request, and left no room for argument. 

Ryo warred internally with himself. He wanted to make Dee listen to him, he wanted to apologize…and yet…if he did so, they would be back to square one…and Ryo didn't know if that was where he wanted to be. To tell the truth…he didn't know where he wanted to be. He supposed Dee was right…something had to change. 

*****************************************************************

TBC

Thanks for all the reviews on chapter 1! They were actually what got the juices flowing, and why this chapter came so quickly. Keep em coming! We've still got a ways to go…so hang with me. 

Love and Kisses,

Reika


	3. I'm such a tease

Author's note.

Okay…sorry to tease you, but this is just an author's note. I'm having a problem. I love Dee/Ryo, but….I'm starting to feel the Dee/JJ bug. Can't help it…it just infected me like a virus…or fungus…or something. 

Anyways…I want your opinion. This isn't a vote, and we're still a long way for it to even matter, but I'd like to know what you think. Bear in mind, no matter what I'm going to end up going with whichever pairing suits the story when the time is right…but in the meantime, tell me which pairing *you* like most (in *this* story…of course the manga would have no such thing…silly rabbit…) and why. 

Pretty please…with cherries on top (Or, as I prefer them,…on the bottom *wink*).

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	4. All's fair in love and police work

Disclaimer: No…not mine. 

A/N: Okay…first off, THANK YOU for all the reviews *and* the replies to my author's note. I was a bit offended by some insinuation that I would let the suggestions write the story for me. I tried to make it clear in the note that I would go with what I wanted to and what ended up being appropriate, I just wanted some feedback on how the general fandom viewed the different pairings…and I got it, so again, THANKS. 

This chapter may not be up to par because it was written in one sitting at 3am after coming home from 4 hours at the bar and has not been beta read. However…forgive me, I have the post bug. When I finish something, I want it posted. 

WOOT. On with Chaptah 3. Please read and review.

Chapter 3…….All's fair in love and police work.

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The day was almost over, and Ryo MacLean couldn't decide if he was relieved or not. It was always nice to call it a day and go home, but this also meant he had to talk to Dee. He had to admit that his partner was right…it needed to be done, and yet…the thought still made him…nervous….though he couldn't pinpoint exactly why. He had just decided to suck it up and ask Dee to come over so that the two of them could talk when the Chief popped his head around the corner and called to the other man in question. 

"Laytner, there's a problem with one of your reports. The commissioner wants you working late tonight to get it right."

Dee sighed and had to refrain from banging his head on his desk. Rose *always* found some way to intrude on his and Ryo's relationship. It further infuriated Dee that Ryo refused to acknowledge the other man's blatant attempts to bed him. Ryo tended to get angry when Dee got possessive with him, saying he was overreacting, but Christ…it was almost like the man strode around with a sign on him that said 'molest me please…no really, it's fine by me'. Dee didn't even intrude on his partner the way that Rose did…and the fact that he often used his position of authority to do so…it made Dee's blood boil. He raised a hand at the Chief to signal that he understood and turned back to his current task.

A part of him was grateful that he would have more time to think before putting an ultimatum of sorts to his partner. But it had to be done…they had reached a crucial and impassible juncture. It was time to venture forward, as a *joint* effort, or cut their losses and call it a lost cause. Just the thought made Dee uneasy. To be completely honest, he wasn't sure if it was the thought of losing Ryo that felt like a sledgehammer to the chest, or the thought that all his effort…his honest effort…had been a waste. That he just wasn't good enough. Perhaps it was both…his ego and self worth had been dealt a serious blow with every rejection…but he kept trying. Because as much as it bit him in the ass in the end…he loved Ryo…and he couldn't help it. 

Deciding not to take the easy way out, Ryo approached Dee's desk and plowed ahead. 

"I know you have to work late, but why don't you stop by after you get done…so we can talk."

Dee raised an eyebrow, but Ryo would never see it. He kept his head down, avoiding Ryo's eyes. "Sure thing…though I doubt anything good will come of this…since you're so eager to talk and all. You never want to discuss us."

Ryo fought not to automatically reply with 'There is no us, Dee'. Instead he just nodded and grabbed his coat, preparing to leave. "I'll just see you later."

***************************************************

After leaving the precinct, Ryo stopped by the market to pick up the things he'd need for dinner. The markets were one of the things Ryo loved most about New York City. They seemed to symbolize the city itself – the openness and variety. He had just picked up some fresh garlic and had turned to head for the pasta when he slammed into someone, falling backwards and into the produce. 

Recovering quickly, Ryo noticed the person he had bumped into was somewhat petite woman. She appeared uninjured, but had managed to drop her purchases on the floor. He scrambled to help her pick them up, apologizing all the while. When every apple had been accounted for, he finally got a good look at the woman whose personal space he had invaded. She was attractive enough…not what one would call gorgeous, or beautiful…but definitely…nice looking. She was a professional of some sort…clad in a nice suit with expensive looking shoes. 

Following his rushed greeting and apologies, Ryo was just about to take his leave and finish his shopping when a female hand reached out and grabbed his arm. 

"I think this garlic belongs to you…it wasn't mine."

With a soft chuckle, Ryo took the clove of garlic back. "Thanks…dinner wouldn't have been the same without it."

She smiled and held her hand out to him. "I'm Sarah. Sarah Morgan."

There was silence for a moment before it occurred to Ryo that this was the moment for him to introduce himself. "Oh…sorry. Randy MacLean."

"So…Randy. What are you going to make with all those vegetables?"

"I was going to make Linguine…I suppose I should pick up some chicken or something to put in it, or else Bikky may refuse to eat at all…" The last part of the comment had been said more to himself than the woman beside him. 

"Bikky? What an odd name…is he your son?"

Ryo wasn't entirely sure how to answer her question. He thought of Bikky as his son, most of the time. "He's my foster son…so yes…sort of."

"How nice of you and your wife…to take in foster children…" The woman was obviously fishing.

Ryo, of course, remained oblivious. "Oh, I don't have a wife…it's just the two of us…"

With another smile, Sarah ran a hand through her auburn hair. "Well Randy, if you want some good recipes that your kid will actually like, you should buy 'The Dinner Party Cookbook' by Hilarie Walden."

"Thank you…I take it you have kids then?"

She laughed. "Oh god no. I do have three nephews though."

Ryo was interested in the book she had suggested, but worried he would forget it. "You wouldn't happen to have a pen would you? I'd like to write down that book."

After rooting around in her purse, his accidental companion came out with a pen and a business card. Ryo watched her write the book's name down and hand him the slip of paper before making her goodbyes as they parted ways. 

**********************************************************

After Ryo had gone, Dee found JJ and suggested he have Drake take him to his car, since it would be awhile before he could leave. The younger man looked a bit put out, but did not argue, opting instead to thank his Sempai again for his hospitality the night before. Dee then spent the next few hours dragging through his report, and avoiding Rose. He had no better idea what he was going to say to Ryo…but he knew what he felt and hoped the words would come to him when the time was right. 

***************************************************

Ryo and Bikky finished with dinner in relative silence, and Ryo insisted Bikky head to bed. He didn't want to involve his ward in his personal matters. Bikky, however, was not one to be fooled. 

"So where's the perv tonight? The house was clean when I got home from Cal's so I know he wasn't here last night either. I would have thought he'd have been molesting you two seconds after I walked out the door…what gives, Ryo?"

Ryo sighed…the kid was too smart for his own good. "If you mean Dee, and I assume you do, he'll be here later…we have some things to discuss."

Bikky snorted. "Hah…don't tell me you two are actually going to act like grown-ups for once…"

"We *are* grownups, Bikky. Even though Dee doesn't always act like one. This isn't something you should worry about anyways. Now…like I told you, I think it's time for bed…I expect you to go to school tomorrow."

Bikky grumbled something and did as he was told, shuffling off to his bedroom with a scowl on his juvenile face. It wasn't long after that a knock finally resounded at Ryo's door. He crossed the room and opened it to face his partner, Dee Laytner, who looked a little worse for wear. 

Dee immediately let himself inside and headed for the kitchen were he removed his jacket and sat down at the table abruptly. Ryo followed, leaning against the counter. 

"Do you want some dinner? There's still some pasta left, I could warm it for you."

Dee shook his head. "No thanks…I'm…not hungry." The thought of food just made his already queasy stomach do back flips in protest. 

A bit worried, as Dee had turned down food for quite possibly the first time ever, Ryo tried to fill the silence that was beginning to loom over them both. 

"So how was work? Did Rose give you any trouble?"

Dee finally looked up to him. "It was tedious. I didn't even see Rose and besides…that's not what I want to talk about anyways. Let's not beat around the bush…" _'anymore' _Dee added in his head.

Crossing his arms, Ryo nodded and took a seat beside his partner at the table. "Okay…I know what you want to talk about…but I'm not sure where to start. I mean…I'm not exact-" 

"What do you want?" Dee cut him off. 

Surprised, Ryo tilted his head slightly. "What do you mean?"

Dee began to feel his frustration build. He patted his pockets looking for his cigarettes and fished one out, not caring whether the smoke bothered his companion or not. He lit his vice and took a long drag, letting the smoke settle in his lungs before expelling it in one long, drawn out breath. 

"You *know* what I mean, Ryo. What do you want? Do you want me to leave you alone? To just give it up and let you be? Or do you want me to keep chasing you? Running after you like nothing else matters?"

Before Ryo could answer, Dee took a breath and continued. "Because I'll tell you right now, Ryo…I can't do it. I can't keep chasing after you. It's been two years…you and Bikky are pretty much all I have and even so I'm not even an official member of your little makeshift family. Believe it or not…I'm *not* a glutton for punishment. So tell me…right here, right now…what's it gonna be?"

Ryo sighed and slid his chair back. He stood and began to pace, irritated. "Why do you have to push me, Dee? You always wonder why I shy away from you and it's because you never give me space to figure anything out…you're always pushing me. All of this is new for me…you have to consider my feelings about all of it…"

Dee stood as well, and approached the object of his affection. He grabbed Ryo by his arms and stilled his movement, holding him there and forcing his ebony eyes to look at him. "I *do* think about your feelings damnit…but why are you the only one who gets to have them? I hardly think waiting two years can be called being impatient, Ryo. *I* have feelings too…you just never seem to think they matter enough to consider them!"

Ryo shrugged out from Dee's grip. "That's not true! Besides…I didn't start any of this! I never gave you any reason to decide you wanted…" he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. It was alright though, because Dee knew what he meant and was well equipped with a reply. 

"You know…in the beginning you would have been right. But it's not just me anymore. You respond to me…I *feel* it Ryo…that's not something you can lie about! When the bomb was in the school, *you* came running up and kissed *me* if you remember correctly. Then today you have a cow named Bessie because JJ slept on my couch last night! I'm so tired of this 'come here, go away' game that we play. It's like you only want me when you think you'll lose me, and it's not fair!"

"It's not like that, I-"

"What is it? Is it me? I know you have issues with the fact that we're both men…but shit, Ryo, you don't just have sudden homosexual urges in your mid-twenties. *I* didn't do this to you…I just made you think about it…and I'm not sorry. Do you get some weird thrill out of being chased by me…does it boost your self confidence or something?"

"Dee, I-"

"And another thing -"

"Damnit, Dee, would you let me talk!?"

Dee did not reply, but simply shut his mouth and nodded for Ryo to continue. 

"I'm sorry…I didn't know you were so bothered by all this. I never meant to upset you, you know. I'll admit that I haven't really thought about your feelings…but I won't be bullied into making a decision I'm not ready for."

Sighing, Dee ran a hand through his hair. He lifted sad green eyes to meet Ryo's black and spoke with a voice that quivered ever so slightly. "Pushing you…bullying you…that's what you think I'm doing. I'm sorry…and here I just thought I was in lo-" He stopped…not wanting to finish the sentence that would destroy the last of his dignity.

If Ryo knew what Dee had been about to say, he made no mention of it, and silence enveloped the two men for a long moment. Finally, Dee regained his strong and masculine posture – his voice reverted back to its usual clear, unwavering tone. 

"I'm going to go speak to Bikky real quick. Don't tell me not to wake him up, he's been listening to us this whole time; I saw his shadow in the doorway."

Ryo looked surprised, at both the realization that Bikky had been listening in on them, and that Dee wanted to speak to the young man. He watched as Dee slipped out of the room and down the hall to Bikky's door. 

"Hey squirt…let me in."

Slowly, the door creaked open. Bikky returned to sit on his bed and folded his arms across his chest. "So what exactly did you want to say to me? If you want me to talk Ryo into giving into you, you're wasting your breath."

Dee closed the door behind him, but did not advance forward. "No, Bikky. I'm not going to be around so much anymore…at least…for a while. I know we haven't really gotten along famously…but I also know that you go through some stuff Ryo just is not going to understand. I've been there kid…and if you need me, you know where to find me, right?"

Bikky nodded and looked away from his almost-parental figure. "Try not to get into too much trouble without Ryo to look after you."

"Sure thing kid. I'm going to finish with Ryo. I don't know when I'll see you next…but listen…take it easy on him, okay? He's good to you, too good if you ask me…so listen to him when he tells you something. And about what I said, about knowing where to find me…I meant it. Now get some sleep." He finished and shut the lights off in Bikky's room, closing the door behind him as he left. 

When he reentered the kitchen, Ryo looked frazzled, and a bit anxious. "What did you want with Bikky?"

"I just had some stuff I wanted to tell him, don't worry…it wasn't anything bad. The little shit isn't so bad once you get past that smart mouth of his…" He paused, then "I'm leaving now, Ryo."

Ryo went wide eyed. "Just like that? We didn't resolve anything…"

Dee stepped in close to his partner and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent that filled his mind so many times a day. He grabbed Ryo by the waist and pulled him to his body firmly, looking deep into his eyes for what might have been a moment, but could have easily been a century and finally closed the distance between them, pressing his lips firmly against the soft ones of his confused partner. The kiss was firm, but innocent, and when Dee felt pressure returned against his lips he broke away, too conflicted to let it continue. He stepped back a bit and turned away, so that his back faced Ryo.

"I did…resolve something, I mean…I'm not waiting anymore Ryo. Either you want me or you don't…and I know now that *nothing* I do will sway you one way or the other. I don't know what it is you want that I can't give you…but I've offered you all I have, and it still doesn't seem to be enough. For once I want to be enough for someone…I want someone to want me back, Ryo…just me."

He took a few steps forward, intending to leave the apartment before his emotions got the better of him, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. When he turned, Ryo looked sad, and hurt. 

_'God…please…just make him stop looking at me like that…'_ Dee thought dejectedly. 

Still with his hand resting on Dee's broad shoulder, Ryo stepped forward a little awkwardly. "I want to see something" he said while inching ever closer. With no distance left between them, Ryo brushed his lips ever so lightly against Dee's, making the taller man go weak at the knees. When he pulled back, Ryo couldn't help but think that initiating the kiss hadn't felt bad at all…in fact…it had been somewhat…empowering. Confident that he had taken a step forward towards figuring everything out, he looked Dee in the eye and smiled. 

He did not, however, expect to see a look of anger and contempt.

Dee looked away, unable…or unwilling to meet Ryo's gaze. 

"You just don't get it do you? You can't tell me 'baby steps' Ryo! I've been crawling for the last two fucking years! Do you even understand what an insult it is for you to act like you can take your time and make a decision now…like it wasn't important enough to do so before? When all this time I've been honest and upfront with you? You can't just kiss me once and expect me to wait another two years for you to come around, or not come around…it's just not fair and I won't do it."

Without cerebral permission, Ryo let his anger get the better of him and before he could stop the words, they flew out of his mouth. "So your one little heart to heart night with JJ brought all this on?"

Dee had to restrain himself…physically…verbally. "You know what Ryo…if you think this is the result of one single freaking night…then I don't even know what I'm doing here…I don't even know what I've been doing for the last two years…"

Without any more words, Dee swept his jacket up and headed for the door, slipping out and slamming it behind him. As soon as it closed, Ryo slumped down at the table, angry, and fighting tears. He was angry with Dee for confusing him in the first place…angry for making him choose. But more than that…he was angry with himself. He was angry with himself for not being able to just open his mouth and tell Dee to wait…that he didn't mean it…that he would never intentionally hurt his feelings. To wait just a little bit longer…that he *would* figure everything out. 

But ultimately…things were different now. Everything had been laid out in the open…the cards were on the proverbial table. And now that he knew just exactly how Dee felt every time he responded to him…every time he led him on…to ignore it *would* be intentionally hurting him. But what could he do? He was still unsure that he could admit to caring for another man…though he couldn't say he'd ever loved a woman either. Maybe this time apart would be good. Maybe it would give Ryo time to really see what he wanted, and why. 

Feeling only the slightest bit better, Ryo rose to head for bed himself. He could only hope he would have time to straighten out his brain and know what he wanted before he lost Dee completely…if he hadn't already. 

***********************************************************

Once out on the street, Dee turned to walk towards his car and pulled his jacket up around his ears, avoiding the chill. Although he couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in his chest…there was something else. Amongst the Pandora's Box of Dee's emotions, spiraling out of control since the first time he laid eyes on Randy "Ryo" MacLean. At last he hit the bottom…and resting there was warm, benevolent hope. Hope that Ryo would finally figure out what he did or didn't want from him, hope that his life would soon make sense once again…but most importantly…hope that he could finally regain control. This was his life…and he was going to live it if it killed him….

*********************************************************

TBC

OOOkay. Whew…this chapter was a doozy. Got it done in one sitting though…started at 3am it is now 7am thank you very much. With only 2 stretch breaks and about 10 smoke breaks. Heh heh…can't write without my nicotine. Anyways…just a couple of notes. 

Sarah *has* a purpose. She is *not* a Mary-Sue…. (Ewww….I don't do het anyways….bleah…if I *was* gonna sink so low, you'd best believe I'd give myself the plumbing needed for yaoi goodness). Anyways…she is there for gender clarification only. She will be back, as Ryo needs to figure some shit out yo. 

I hope this wasn't too depressing…there is much left to go, grasshoppahs. So trust me, and I'll take care of you, promise. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	5. Convictions and Compromise

Disclaimer: Me no own…you no sue. 

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. This chapter is kind of short, but I wanted to get it posted. Please read and review…oh! And warning! I'm a tad evil to Ryo in this chapter…but I have my reasons…read the author's note at the end!

Chapter 4……………Convictions and Compromise

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For quite possibly the first time, Ryo MacLean was *late* for work. It was only by two minutes…but still, the detective could not believe he had overslept. He blamed it on the late hour in which he retired – as he was stricken with insomnia after Dee's departure. He had only set a foot in the door when Drake passed him.

"Hey, Ryo did you hear?"

He scratched his head in confusion. "Hear what?"

"I s'pose not then. Well…in that case, the Commissioner wants to see you."

"Okay then" Ryo couldn't help but get a bit anxious – over both the fact that apparently something important had happened, and that he had to see Rose, who would no doubt take advantage of his new situation with Dee. 

With a sigh of resignation he headed for Rose's office and after rapping softly at the door was told to enter. Rose was sitting at his desk, every hair in place as usual. Ryo couldn't deny that he was attracted to the man…he had a masculine confidence about him that drew him in…much like Dee. Rose, however, had a refinement about him that Dee seemed to lack. Strong and powerful, the Commissioner was every bit the alpha male. 

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

Rose motioned for Ryo to sit while he himself leaned back in his leather chair. "I spoke to Laytner earlier this morning."

Ryo waited for him to continue and tried to hide his shock that Dee had obviously beaten him in to work. 

"He's requested a temporary partner change…and I've allowed it."

Ryo's eyes went wide. "He what? Temporary?"

The Commissioner rose from his seat and slunk around to the other side of his desk. He was now only a foot or so from a confused Ryo. The blonde man pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned back against his desk, almost sitting on its edge. 

"He said that it needed only to be temporary because after a certain amount of time either you two would be able to work together again or he would need a transfer. What got me was…"

Rose leaned in close to Ryo, breathing on his skin while his eyes narrowed to predatory slits. "…when I expressed the personal pleasure I take in absolving your partnership…" he ran his finger along Ryo's tie with one long, smooth stroke and abruptly sat back – seemingly back to normal. "…he told me to do whatever I like…that it wasn't his concern. Now…mind telling me what all of this is about?"

Frazzled, Ryo didn't think he wanted to explain his current situation with his partner when he didn't even fully understand it himself. "I don't think that it's really any of your business."

Rose scoffed. "Au contraire. When two of my detectives bring their personal lives into my precinct I do believe it *is* my business. However, if you don't wish to share, that will be fine…for now. I've decided to split up Adams and Drake as well."

He tried to keep his anger in check…but Ryo could feel his fist clench out of Rose's line of vision. This was just *perfect*. Right on the heels of all this confusing mess with Dee, Rose goes and pairs *his* partner with JJ…just to make it worse. Forcing his attention back to his superior, Ryo made sure his expression remained devoid of emotion. 

Rose was smirking. "Just so you know, MacLean…*you* will be paired with Adams."

Ryo sighed. Although he was relieved that JJ wouldn't be partnered with Dee, he didn't want to be set up with him either. The two of them had never really gotten along and he was positive the younger man would ream him a new one every chance he got. Running a hand through his hair, he prepared to leave Rose's office and intrusive company. 

"Thank you for the briefing, Commissioner. I'd like to speak to Dee about all this now."

Rose went to return to his chair but stopped mid-journey to look at his watch. "He and Drake should be out on assignment right now…I do believe you've missed him."

Ryo said nothing, just exited the room and forced himself not to slam the door behind him. With a look that might have been resignation, but was most likely defeat, he approached JJ who was bent over some files muttering to himself. After a moment, the dark silver head looked up and a scowl overtook JJ's face. 

"I see you've heard. Well don't just stand there and be useless." He flopped the file at Ryo. "This is what we're working on. I think you've already seen all this…it was the case you and Dee Sempai had before he dumped you."

Ryo was not pleased with the term 'dumped' that JJ chose to use. Before he could retort, however, JJ had a question for him. 

"What happened? Did he finally realize you couldn't care less about his feelings?"

Ryo met JJ's challenging look with one of his own, never letting his guard down. For all his showmanship, Ryo *was* intimidated by the slightly smaller man. JJ had been a simple nuisance before, but now the sniper made it very clear that he was ready to go a full nine rounds for Dee's affections. 

"I don't see how any of it is your business. Just because Dee got drunk with you and ran his mouth, doesn't mean you're special. If Dee kept in touch with all the people he picked up in bars, he'd be the most popular person in New York, JJ."

Ryo was actually quite satisfied with his self-assertion. What he couldn't figure out, though, was why JJ seemed to be smirking…almost…mocking him. JJ was looking slightly beyond him and to the left. Curious, Ryo followed his gaze to see an obviously hurt and angry Dee, who had returned for his jacket. 

Dee could not believe Ryo could say, or even think such a thing. In the two years he'd been after Ryo he'd been celibate. He hadn't so much as gone on a single date and now he was beginning to regret it. Spite taking over his brain, he flashed a brilliant smile at JJ. 

"You know, Ryo, you're right. I've been rather rude to all those countless people. I should keep in touch more often. How about a drink after work, JJ?"

JJ's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He knew his Sempai was only using him to get a jab at Ryo, but he didn't care…at least…not right now. He had a few up his sleeve as well and if Dee was going to spend time with him, for whatever reason, it would give him the perfect opportunity to show the other man just how much he meant to him. He nodded, trying not to seem *too* enthusiastic and tried, for the rest of the day, to keep from smiling so hard that his jaw hurt. 

When at last the day had come to a close, Ryo felt terrible. Of course it had upset him that Dee had asked JJ out for a drink…but more than that…he felt bad for hurting Dee's feelings. He decided to wait around until Dee had returned with Drake so that he had a chance to apologize. JJ was not pleased, but tried not to let it ruin his mood. Finally, the other two men returned and Ryo tentatively approached his former partner. 

"Dee…could I talk to you for a second?"

Dee looked like he was still angry, but complied…for whatever reason. "Fine, follow me to the break room."

When they entered the break room Ryo sat down and waited for Dee to do the same. It soon became apparent that Dee would do no such thing, choosing instead to lean against the door with his arms folded over his chest. If Ryo wanted to apologize, it was now or never, so he plowed ahead. 

"Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. JJ was pushing buttons about you asking for a new partner and I said it just to hurt his feelings. I didn't mean for you to hear…"

"So you meant it…you just didn't mean for me to *hear* it?"

"No! Don't put words in my mouth, Dee. I didn't mean it…I would never hurt your feelings on purpose."

Dee patted around for his cigarettes and pulled one out to smoke it. "Alright then. Was that all?"

Ryo stood and crossed to him, needing answers. "Actually…no. Why did you ask for another partner? I always thought we were partners first…that no matter what we could do our job…"

Exhaling out of the side of his mouth, so as not to blow smoke in Ryo's face, Dee avoided the other man's eyes. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? *I'd* like to think so too…but it just won't work. I can't work with you while I'm trying to figure all this out. Just…respect that…okay?"

Ryo nodded and noticed as Dee stubbed his cigarette out and prepared to leave. "Where are you going?"

Dee kept his back to Ryo, his hand resting on the doorknob. "I asked JJ to get a drink and that's exactly what I'm going to do….I'm tired of being lonely, Ryo."

Before Ryo could answer, the door closed quietly…and Dee was gone. 

***********************************************

At the same bar as before, Dee sat next to JJ, sipping his drink…and thinking. JJ, finally tired of the silence piped up and slid closer to his Sempai. 

"You shouldn't mope over him, you know."

Dee allowed him a small smile. "Sorry…old habits die hard…"

JJ threw back half his drink and sniffed before continuing. "He really bothers me…Ryo I mean…."

Dee snickered. "I'm well aware of how you feel about Ryo, JJ…and why."

"Are you now?" JJ quirked a brow. "Don't tell me you think it all has to do with your attachment to him? In a way…it does…but more so…his personality bothers me. He's a good cop, and I'm sure he's a good man…I just think he's had a negative effect on you."

Now interested, Dee cocked his head slightly. "How so?"

"Well he's always trying to change you. He seems to give you shit about all the things that make you *you*…and I happen to like you the way you are."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked, slightly confused. 

"He always seems to be embarrassed by the fact that you're loud…that you say what you mean…that you refuse to take other people's bullshit. Personally, I wish more people would be like you. Face it…he's wine, you're beer. He's museums, you're football. He's discreet and easily flustered…you pretty much give everyone the finger if they don't like you just how you are. And I think that's great…it's one of the main reasons I liked you in the first place back at the academy."

Dee's eyebrows rose impossibly high. "I never really thought of it that way…thank you…I think…"

JJ smiled. "Yeah…it was a compliment. I've always thought it was amazing that you know *exactly* who you are. I know you didn't have it exactly easy growing up…but somehow you're the most confident person I've ever met. I think that deserves respect. *I* certainly wish I could be more like that. I love that you're a man…no more, no less  and that you refuse to change for anyone…" he went out on a limb and gave playful mock-punch to Dee's arm "…so don't start now…please."

Raising his glass to his lips, Dee chuckled a bit. "And here I just thought you liked my ass…"

JJ leaned back and pretended to evaluate Dee's posterior. "Well it *is* a great ass…"

The two shared a mutual laugh at JJ's actions before Dee ordered another round.

"JJ? Lemme ask you something…all that stuff you said about me…I thought you were the same way…"

JJ shrugged. "I try…and I'm getting better. My family wasn't particularly accepting of my…choices. It wore me down…made me think I wasn't worth their approval. Then I met you at the academy. *You're* the reason I am who I am today. I'm sure you never realized all that…but I am eternally grateful…no matter what."

"Wow…" Dee blinked. "I think that's the biggest compliment I've ever received…"

"It's a damn shame…the look on your face right now. It's like you've never gotten a compliment before…"

Dee grinned. "Well I have…but it usually has to do with my 'great ass' as you put it."

"Hey…" JJ began "…give credit where credit is due. The ass is fabulous…but I've seen many great asses, and I assure you that I don't latch onto someone the way I do to you just because of a firm bum. You changed my life."

Dee was silent, unsure of what to say after being told something so magnanimous. He glanced at his watch and realized it had gotten late, and he didn't want a repeat of the last time.

"Look, JJ, its late…so I'm going to head home. Are you good to drive?"

JJ nodded, a bit disappointed that his evening with Dee had come to an end. 

Dee returned the gesture. "I actually had an okay time. We should do this more often…I don't have many friends."

"Definitely…"

With a smile, Dee took his leave. As he made the trek to his apartment he felt better than he had in weeks. 

JJ made it to his car, unlocking the door and sliding into the driver's seat. He sat there for a long moment, unmoving, with a smile on his face. He had waited years to tell Dee all of those things…and he meant every single one of them. Things were looking up after all…

************************************************************

TBC

Sorry to cut it here…but I wanted to get something posted and what follows is pretty long…so the wait would have been terrible if I didn't split it up. 

Sorry about the meanness to Ryo…but HEAR ME OUT. 

Even I felt like this chapter was a little harsh…but that wasn't the reason I wrote it this way. The above conversation with JJ…that's kind of the way I see things. I think JJ has a point…I also think it's time we saw the reasons JJ has such a thing for Dee…in my opinion, there *has* to be more to it than wanting to shag him. I think there's more on *everyone's* part. I have a certain respect for uncompromising people like Dee. I just thought it's about time Dee got some credit for it. 

BTW…I have *not* made any final decisions on the pairings yet…so don't jump to conclusions. 

Anways…there is still a looong way to go. So stay with me…like I said…trust me and I'll take care of you. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	6. Friendship and More

Disclaimer: Me no own – you no sue.

A/N: SO sorry for the lateness of this chapter. This was due to several things. First off, my husband has been in Iraq since Feb. and will be there until NEXT APRIL! So I have bouts of irritation that just suck the creativity right out of me. I'm an extremely liberal person, so being married into the military has always been difficult for me. 

Also, I've been writing a lot in the Harry Potter genre and all those have been extremely angst filled (character death and whatnot), so I wanted to get through that and get it out of my system so it didn't taint this fic. God knows what would have happened if I'd written this last week….it would have been a massacre. *Shudders*

Anways, please read and review. They really keep the morale high, and as I am writing *several* stories, plus betaing Jasmine's stuff…sometimes motivation is lacking. But I do love this story and want to give it the attention it deserves. 

On with the yaoi goodness!

Chapter 5…………..Friendship and More.

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It had been two weeks since Ryo MacLean had looked into his partner's eyes and saw true hurt there. Two weeks since their partnership had been temporarily disbanded. Ryo had tried his best to get along with JJ, who was suspiciously cheery, and not dwell too much on how Dee must've been faring with Drake. The time apart had given Ryo the opportunity to do the questioning he had felt necessary; the problem was, though, that he still had no answers. He admittedly felt jealous of the now obvious camaraderie between JJ and Dee, but not so much that he was willing to throw caution to the wind and run into Dee's arms. Ryo knew Dee and, although Dee had never outright told him he loved him, he knew Dee's feelings for him ran deep. Once he gave into his former partner, there would be no turning back. To second guess the relationship after its consummation would crush Dee and Ryo was unwilling to risk it while he was still unsure. But he had to force himself to realize that he did have a deadline, of sorts, to meet and if he didn't make a decision soon – he might never get the chance. 

On a more urgent note, Ryo remembered the bulletin posted up that morning in the break room. It was Drake's birthday and he was hosting a party at his apartment in two days time. The notice made it clear that he expected all of his coworkers to be present. This would be the first time in two weeks that he would see Dee outside of work. The thought made him a bit nervous, but he didn't want to sit at home because of his apprehension. Just then, two more officers were headed out the door when Ryo heard Dee's new partner, Drake, yell out to them.

"See you guys Saturday! Oh! And don't forget to bring a date!"

_'Hmmm. Bring a date?'_

He hadn't thought of the prospect. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to him that dating might be a way to figure out what it was he really wanted. A big part of him still wanted to believe that he was a perfectly normal guy…a straight guy. With that thought he decided that, yes, he would go on a date. This would be it – either he would enjoy himself and let Dee go before continuing in his happy, well adjusted existence – or he would have to suck it up and accept that he was, indeed, batting for the other team. Ryo had a sinking feeling that he already knew the answer, but refused to acknowledge it until he could prove it to himself one way or the other. 

Fishing the card Sarah had given to him out of his wallet he took the opportunity to call the pretty young woman before he lost his nerve. 

"Thank you for calling NYC Advertising. Sarah Morgan's office."

"Hello. This is Randy MacLean for Ms. Morgan."

"One moment please."

Ryo thought absently to himself while on hold that Sarah must be of at sizable importance to have her own secretary and office. He didn't have much time to dwell however because before long he was taken off hold. 

"Hello this is Sarah Morgan."

"Hello. This is Randy MacLean, I'm not sure if you remember me or not, we met in the market a little while back."

By the sound of her voice Ryo deduced that the woman was happy to hear from him. "Ah yes, Randy! I was starting think you weren't going to take my hint and call me."

Ryo laughed nervously and debated just hanging up on the woman for a moment, due to his nerves. His resolve won out in the end though and he plowed ahead. "I was actually wondering if you would like to accompany me to a party Saturday night."

"You bet I would. Just name the time and place, and I'll be there."

Ryo finished up his phone call and, although he couldn't deny a sense of foreboding in his gut, he was proud of himself for taking the initiative – it had been so long since he really felt like a man. However, when he turned around he was met with a very irritated JJ. The sniper drew closer to him and furrowed his brows. When he finally spoke his voice was low, presumably so that he would not be overheard by prying ears. 

"Listen MacLean. Don't *do* this. Under any other circumstances I'd be ecstatic that you're about to fuck up royally with Dee Sempai…but if you take some random woman to Drake's and he sees you, he'll be crushed. Don't do this to him…please."

"JJ, not that it's any of your business, but Dee knows that I have to figure some things out on my own. I can't figure anything out just sitting behind this desk every day."

JJ stepped in even closer and poked a finger into Ryo's chest while glaring up at the older man with narrowed eyes. "You…" poke "…are a selfish bastard."

Ryo grabbed JJ's wrist and was just about to shove him off when Dee's voice carried over to the two of them. 

"What's going on?"

JJ stepped back on his own accord and turned to Dee. "We were just talking about Drake's party. I think it sounds rather boring actually. Wouldn't you rather just go get a drink, Sempai?"

Dee grinned and ran a hand through his hair. "Nope. It feels like it's been forever since I got to drink with the guys. I wouldn't miss it for the world! Are you going, Ryo?"

Ryo nodded and felt a rush of guilt wash over him. He supposed it was too late though, as it would have been terribly rude to revoke his invitation to Sarah. When Dee flashed him a genuine smile, Ryo felt something stir inside him and he found himself hoping that he wouldn't hurt the man who had chased him for so long. He realized then that he actually hoped Dee would take up JJ's offer and not attend the party, although it looked like he would be going no matter what. With another glare from JJ and an oblivious smile from Dee, the three men went their separate ways.

****************************************************************

Saturday night had finally arrived and Ryo nervously waited for Sarah's arrival. Not owning a car, Sarah had been more than happy to pick him up and the two had agreed to meet at his apartment for tea prior to leaving for the party. After pacing for what felt like hours, Ryo called Bikky into the living room. 

"You have the money I gave you?"

"Yup."

"And Cal's on her way over?"

"Yup."

"And you guys are going to order a pizza and watch a movie?"

"Yeah, Ryo…calm down; it's just a party!"

"Sorry Bikky, I – " Ryo was cut off by a knock on the door. Bikky assumed it was Dee and ran his list of insults through his head, preparing one for when the man entered the room. He was surprised, to say the least, when it wasn't Dee, but a well dressed and pretty woman who came through the door. Ryo turned to her and took her coat after tentatively accepting the hug she gave him. She crossed to Bikky, who still had his mouth open in shock, and pat him on the head. 

"You must be Bikky. Randy told me a bit about you, I hope I can get to know you better."

Bikky finally came to his senses and shrugged out from under Sarah's hand. "Sure…whatever. I'm going to my room now."

"Bikky don't be rude!" Ryo quickly apologized to Sarah after scolding the back of Bikky's head. 

She smiled back at him. "Kids can be like that sometimes. Did you still want to have tea?"

Ryo nodded and the two headed into the kitchen to chat before they left for Drake's.

******************************************************

When Sarah and Ryo finally made it to the party Ryo was not surprised to find that most of his coworkers were already tipsy or well on their way to being so. He introduced his date to the people he knew and felt a bit of relief wash over him when he didn't see Dee anywhere. His peace of mind was short lived, though, when JJ came walking through and went wide eyed upon noticing them. The sniper then sped into another room, leaving Ryo to question the younger man's sanity. 

JJ raced into the kitchen where several men were standing around, drinking and talking, and began to tug on Dee's arm. 

"Dee Sempai, I don't feel so good…do you think you could take me home?"

Dee looked down at him and gave him a lopsided smile. "I'm not driving anywhere, JJ. If you need to leave, you're gonna have to catch a cab."

Frantic to get Dee to leave the party before he saw Ryo, JJ began tugging at Dee's arm again. "I feel really bad, would you ride with me? I can bring you back in the morning…"

When JJ got no answer from Dee, he persisted. "Dee Sempai! I asked you – " JJ noticed Dee's shocked face and didn't have to follow his gaze to know what he had seen. 

The room had gone silent at Ryo's entrance with a woman on his arm. Sarah seemed oblivious to the attention though, and Drake, being the quick thinker he was, immediately stepped up to her and shook her hand. 

"Hi. I'm Drake and this is my house…let me show you around." He quickly swept the woman from the room and one by one all the other occupants seemed to drift off leaving only Ryo, Dee and JJ. 

JJ had a determined look on his face and stood steadfast next to Dee, unwilling to move. Without breaking his stare at Ryo, Dee leaned back and addressed the smaller sniper. 

"Go ahead JJ…I'm fine."

"But Dee Sempai – "

Ryo cut in. "Go, JJ."

With a glare at Ryo, JJ huffed and left the two of them alone. When the door had swung shut from JJ's exit, Ryo immediately started to explain. 

"Dee, I – "

Dee held up his hand and closed his eyes for a moment. "Don't Ryo. I already know what you're going to say…and you're right. I told you to figure out what you want…and that's what you need to do. I just…can't stay here to witness it…"

Before Ryo could protest, Dee had brushed past him and out the door. If Ryo were to be truly honest with himself, the look on Dee's face would have almost caused him to leave his date right then and chase after him. Ryo was, however, a noble and chivalrous man and couldn't bring himself to abandon his date – no matter how badly he wanted to. He left the kitchen a moment later and made it into the living room just in time to see Dee storm out and JJ race after him. Ryo reached out and snagged JJ's arm as he passed. 

"Just let him go, JJ. He doesn't need you to coddle him."

JJ snatched his arm away and glared at the taller man. "How the hell would you know what he needs? And for your information, I want to make sure he doesn't try to drive." 

Leaving no time for Ryo to retort, JJ scrambled out the door to find Dee. A moment later, Sarah was back at Ryo's side, looking concerned. 

"What was all that about, Randy?"

"It was nothing…did you want anything to drink?"

She nodded and the two walked back into the kitchen. "I've heard a lot of people call you Ryo. Is that your nickname or something?"

Ryo nodded. "Yeah…Dee, my partner…err…ex-partner, started calling me that. It's my Japanese name. Once he started, everyone else just kind of called me that as well…"

"Was that Dee, the tall guy who just left?"

Ryo nodded again. 

"He seemed really upset…"

"That's Dee…he definitely has a temper…"

*********************************************************

JJ could see Dee's back as the taller man strode quickly to his car. He had called out to him several times to no avail, so he doubled his efforts and finally caught up to his Sempai. By the time he reached him, he was out of breath and panting heavily. 

"Dee Sempai…I'm…glad…I caught…you!"

Dee turned and tried to smile, but it ended up looking more like a grimace. "I'm fine JJ, don't worry so much…go back to the party."

JJ scowled and snatched Dee's keys from his hand. "The hell you are. Whatever's going on with you and Ryo is your business…but you're not driving anywhere…you said so yourself, remember? Let me call you a cab, okay?"

Dee smiled and nodded, before the two of them walked back out to the street to catch a cab. When the yellow car pulled up, JJ turned to Dee. 

"I'll just ride with you and then have the driver take me home. I'm not really up for going back to the party either."

The ride was unsettlingly quiet. Dee was drunk and brooding, and JJ was concerned for him, although relieved he had managed to stop him from driving. After taking deep breath, JJ broke the silence. 

"Dee Sempai, you could come to my place…if you want. It's just…you seem so sad…and I don't want you to be alone. I have a spare bedroom…"

Dee thought on it a moment. He didn't really feel like having company…and yet…he didn't want to go home either. JJ had been an excellent friend in the last few weeks, so he nodded and returned to looking out the window while JJ changed the driver's instructions.

*********************************************************

TBC

Okay…again…sorry for the lateness. I should be back on track now, and I'm already half way through the next chapter, I just wanted to get this one posted and thought I'd stop here and leave you in suspense. Mwhahaha. 

Anyways, please review. My back is hungry….feed it. 

What pairing will this end up being? I guess you'll have to read and see! There is still a long way to go…so stick with me. All is not necessarily what it seems. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	7. Surprising Comforts

Disclaimer: Nope….na ah.

A/N: Not much really, just here is a new chapter. It was fun to write…but you may hate it. Let me know either way.

THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! *throws copious amounts of kisses* Love you all! On with the next chapter!

Chapter 6……….Surprising comforts.

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Dee followed JJ into his apartment silently. The trek up the stairs, like the cab ride, had been a quiet one. Dee kept a few paces behind JJ, his hands in his pockets and his eyes shadowed by his hair. He looked reminiscent of some brooding ethereal creature – perhaps a demon or vampire, walking slowly with an eerie air of solemn, anguished masculinity. His muscles had gone rigid and formed taut, smooth lines along his body, that were painfully visible beneath the tight confines of the black t-shirt he wore.

JJ noticed…oh yes…he noticed all of it. The younger man bit his lip several times to avoid opening his mouth and promptly inserting his foot. It was just…his Dee Sempai looked so very good – almost sinister, and JJ couldn't pinpoint exactly why he found this side of Dee so tempting; but he knew Dee was also wounded, and this brought out the compassion in the sniper. He couldn't decide if he wanted to kiss or coddle him. 

"Well…this is it. Just…make yourself at home." 

"Thanks." Dee replied and took a seat in an oversized chair while still looking around. 

"This is a pretty nice place, JJ. How in the hell do you afford it? You're not dirty are you?" 

JJ laughed off Dee's joke and fought not to make note of the double entendre. "My family pays for it. It's their way of keeping me from coming home."

Dee's eyes went wide. "Are you serious?"

JJ nodded. "As a heart attack. I don't even pay the rent…they just send it to the landlord so they don't have to communicate with me at all."

Dee sighed. "Man, JJ…sorry to hear it." Awkward silence fell over them for a moment, so Dee brightened minimally. "But hey, at least you get this apartment, huh? I'd kill for a place like this."

JJ was still a bit gloomy from their conversation. "You can have it for all I care…and you don't even have to kill me. Though I may ask you to at some point later in life…"

Another silence fell and JJ hopped up suddenly. "…and on that note, someone forgot to take his medicine today. Be right back…"

As JJ headed into the kitchen Dee sat and thought over JJ's words. When he thought about it, JJ did seem particularly cheerful most of the time – and then seemed to have really low points. He hadn't ever really spared the thought much time…but it *was* almost unnatural. Dee didn't like the prospect that JJ would do something like take drugs, but the thought wouldn't quit nagging him, so he followed quietly into the kitchen. 

JJ had poured himself a glass of water and was fighting with a bottle to get it open, cursing under his breath.

"Childproof my ass…"

Curious, Dee stepped up behind him and plucked the bottle from his fingers. JJ scowled a moment and reached for it behind him.

"Sempai, that's not funny…just give it back."

Dee furrowed his brows. "Not just yet. What is this, JJ? What are you taking?"

JJ reached for it again. "Look, I'm not on drugs…I just don't want to talk about it. Give it back, please."

Turning the bottle around so that he could read the label, Dee saw the name – Eskalith. The name on the bottle was J. Adams, so at least Dee knew whatever it was, it was prescribed for JJ. Suddenly he felt intrusive for almost accusing JJ of doing something he shouldn't have been. He opened the bottle and handed it back to its owner. 

JJ took it and shook two pills into his palm before popping them in his mouth and washing them down with water. Dee handed him the lid and after it was secure he placed the bottle back in the cabinet before leading Dee into the living room. 

When the two were again seated, Dee couldn't help but be inquisitive as to what JJ had been taking and why. Had he not already had a fair amount to drink he might have changed the subject – but tact was lost on him this night and he plowed ahead. 

"What is that Eskimo stuff anyways?"

JJ chuckled. "It's Eska*lith* and its lithium, if you must know."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?"

Shifting his gaze to the floor, JJ fidgeted with his hands. "It's…embarrassing. People find out you're bipolar and they all want to treat you like some broken doll. I…didn't want you to do that…"

Dee made a mental note that lithium treated bipolar disorder. He hadn't known what it was for, but since JJ volunteered the information he decided that it was best he not advertise his ignorance and announce that he didn't have a clue before he was told. He leaned back and ran a hand through his ink black hair. 

"I'm fine, really. I've been treated for years."

"Shit, JJ…everybody has problems. Frankly I can't see you being treated like a doll in any case – you're too damn jumpy."

JJ smiled and remembered why he'd been chasing this man for so many years. 

"Should you be drinking while you're taking that stuff?"

JJ waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "There aren't really any guidelines for lithium and alcohol; it's more person to person. I've been taking it for years though…so I know my limit."

Dee's face took on an odd look and he shifted his gaze away. This unsettled JJ, who thought he might have chased away yet another person with too much information. 

"Dee Sempai…what's wrong?"

"Nothing…actually. That's what I was thinking about. I've known you for years, JJ…but I've learned more about you in a month than I ever took the time to notice before. It kinda makes me feel like a shitty friend."

JJ brightened and slid to the floor so that he was positioned at Dee's feet. "That's not true at all. I feel…privileged…to know you, Sempai."

"You know, you don't have to call me that…Sempai, I mean. It makes me feel old…"

JJ grinned and rubbed the back of his head. "It'll be a hard habit to break…Dee."

A silence befell them and, without express cerebral permission, JJ found himself leaning forward and up, towards Dee. Dee must've been thinking about something else (or zoned out completely) because it took a moment for him to register what was happening. When he did he immediately jerked away from the sniper, shock evident on his face. 

Dee soon came to his senses and his face softened. "JJ…what are you doing?"

With an oddly shy, sad smile, JJ leaned back on his haunches after brushing the stray hairs from his eyes. "To tell you the truth…I really don't know. Hey…old habits die hard. You said so yourself a little while back."

Dee smiled and felt all awkwardness drain from him. "I didn't mean for that to sound the way it did. It's just…"

JJ stopped him. "I know. Ryo, right?"

Dee gave a barely perceptible nod, but surprised JJ with his words. "…for now…"

He stood and relocated to the sofa, patting the seat beside him. After his initial surprise, JJ took the hint and sat beside him a bit nervously. 

"Look JJ…I know how you feel about me…but you know how I feel about Ryo – that kind of stuff doesn't just go away. I'm in a terrific position to take full advantage of you just because I need someone to tell me they love me. It's not that I don't like you…or even that I haven't thought about it – I would just hate to wreck whatever it is that we have going here over some stupid mistake."

JJ snarled and clenched his fists – although his countenance was not one of anger…more of amusement. 

"What?" Dee asked, confused. 

"You aggravate me. Only you could reject me in such a way that actually makes me like and respect you *more*. I'll have to check the rulebook to be sure…but I'm pretty sure that's cheating…damnit."

Dee chuckled and leaned back on the sofa, yawning greatly. His alcohol had caught up to him and sleep was near. 

"Dee Semp-…Dee. I can show the spare room now if you want to go to sleep."

With another yawn, Dee laid back further. "Actually, I think I'll just crash here…if that's okay."

JJ nodded and sat still for a moment, just watching his Sempai drift into sleep. Curious, and perhaps guided by something other than cognizant thought, he tentatively leaned back on the sofa next to Dee. After another moment of stillness, he laid down, gingerly, so as not to disturb the other man. Soon enough though, Dee's warmness had pulled him in and he became rather kittenish, curling into Dee's side and resting his head atop the taller man's broad chest. Sleep had almost wrapped her fingers around him when Dee popped one eye open and groaned quietly. 

"Don't you have a nice big bedroom, JJ?"

JJ answered without moving his head, or opening his eyes. "Actually, I think I'll just crash here…if that's okay." It had been a very long time since JJ had known true warmth, or slept free of nightmares without passing out cold from too much drinking. Perhaps it was the fact that he was next to Dee…*his* Dee Sempai. Perhaps it was simply that he had a benevolent and warm body next to him; but for whatever reason, JJ felt safe, and happy. 

Dee seemed to sense all of these attributes in the younger man and, after a chuckle at having his own words used against him, simply allowed him to stay, curled innocently into his side, and drifted into sleep himself. 

***************************************************************

Ryo sat in Sarah's car, just outside his building. He knew he should invite her up for coffee, or some other socially expected tradition, but just couldn't bring himself to do it. After Dee had gone, JJ hot on his heels, Ryo had simply been unable to enjoy his night. He was worried about his former partner, and in doing so had managed to be a pretty miserable date himself. 

"I'm sorry the evening went so sour." He repeated to the woman for the seventh time since they had gotten into the car. 

Sarah seemed worn down by her rather lackluster evening. "You said that already Randy. It's okay…I told you."

Ryo just kept rambling. "It's just…things are…complicated, yes, complicated for me right now. And I have to think about Bikky, and I shouldn't have tried to date so soon, and…yes…complicated."

His female companion, either too tired or too disappointed to care, ignored his rant and addressed him as though he were speaking like a person – not a robot doused in water. "You're talking about your partner aren't you? Dee?"

Ryo had been prepared to ramble, again, but gaped when he heard her words. After several long moments, Ryo had not changed his position – staring at her open mouthed, with one eyebrow slightly twitching. Much too exhausted to wait for him to regain composure, Sarah figured she might as well tell him why she said it. He was just going to ask anyways. 

"I'm a woman…I notice things. Not to mention I couldn't think of anything else that would bum you out, other than that guy leaving. To be perfectly honest, I thought you might be gay when I met you at the market…I hoped you weren't…but hey a girl can dream. If you want my opinion, good for you, he's terribly handsome. You like him; he likes you – la dee da. Now Randy, my feet are killing me and I live across town. It was fun, let's do lunch, sure call my secretary…did I leave anything out?"

Ryo (with the *same* face) just stared lamely. 

"Alright, Randy. If you're having trouble with the doorknob…it's the shiny thing you pull."

Finally getting the hint that she might want to get home before daybreak, Ryo shook his shock away and stepped out onto the curb. He couldn't recall really going up to his apartment, but ended up there nonetheless. When he stepped in the door he would have thought the sight that met him adorable – if not for his own distress. Carol sat watching a film; Bikky's sleeping head in her lap. She smiled at him and gently lifted Bikky off of her and laid his head against the sofa cushions. In a hushed voice she spoke to him. 

"Rough night, huh? Bikky told me you went out with a girl…but don't worry. I told him to cut you some slack." She reached up and hugged Ryo loosely, sensing he needed it. "I'm going home now."

"Cal, its late…maybe you should just stay here."

The pretty girl shook her head. "Nope…I told Bikky I wasn't gonna stay, so I can't. If I cave once…"

Ryo patted her head fondly; she was, after all, like a second child to him. "Alright, just be careful, okay?"

After Carol left the apartment, Ryo checked to make sure Bikky was still sleeping and unceremoniously plopped onto the floor. With his back against the edge of the sofa, he rubbed his temples, trying to fend off the migraine he felt coming on. He wasn't sure how long he sat there, cursing under his breath, but he was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Turning around, he was face to face with Bikky, who sat up groggily and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Yawning he took his hand away from Ryo's shoulder. 

"What's up? Date not go well or somethin'?"

"…or something…"

Bikky crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back. "Alright then, out with it. What happened?"

Ryo shook his head and started to get up. "Don't worry about it Bikky…"

He was cut off when Bikky extended his foot to push his foster father back into his seated position. "You already woke me up…and I *know* something's up…so you might as well tell me."

With a deep sigh Ryo recounted the events of the night, feeling a little better just to have talked about everything out loud. When he finished, Bikky just shook his head. 

"What?"

"Ryo…you took a date to a place you *knew* Dee would be. It didn't matter if it was girl or a chimpanzee. Although I'm sure a chimp would have dealt Dee a serious ego blow. You asked for this one…"

Ryo shook his head and let it drop into his hands. "I didn't do it to hurt his feelings…I don't know why I did it. But who I date and where isn't anyone's business but mine. I don't belong to Dee…I don't belong to anyone!"

"Yeah, but you said Dee just let you do your thing and then he left. That doesn't sound very possessive to me."

"Trust me, Bikky…Dee can be *quite* possessive."

"What do *you* want, Ryo?"

"I…don't know. And it's not just me…I have you to think about as well. I know you think you're already grown up, but you aren't. I still have to look out for you…"

Bikky stood and stretched, grimacing when his back popped noisily. "That's great Ryo…you're the only real family I've ever had – but don't let me get in your way. I know what Dee wants from you, Ryo. I've spent my childhood on the streets of New York – I think I can handle two dudes making out. I was fine with that a long time ago. This isn't about me…and you know it."

Ryo scowled and rolled his eyes. "I don't remember giving you permission to be so smart."

Heading for his bedroom, Bikky turned. "Just go talk to him. If you're not ready for anything else…he'll know that. Damn, he's waited this long for you; I think he'd be more than happy to talk. I'm going to bed…so just go. I'll be fine."

Taking his talk with his foster son into account, Ryo rushed through the door before his common sense could stop him. Bikky was right – he was confused and talking to Dee, not avoiding him, would be the most helpful thing. He barely noticed the trek as he made it to the other man's apartment, banging loudly on the door. He knew Dee, and when Dee was brooding…he couldn't sleep – not until he calmed down. He doubted his ex-partner to be in dreamland, and pounded even harder on the door…still receiving no answer. Finally, without the will to continue his knocking, nor the resolve to walk home just then, he sank to the floor and rested his back against Dee's front door. 

"Damnit Dee…" He spoke aloud "…where are you?"

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TBC

Alright my lovely lovelies, here is the newest chapter. I wasn't as harsh to Ryo in this one (although I still think he deserved it), and I was really happy with the interaction between JJ and Dee. As for JJ's "illness"…*I* always thought he was manic anyways…his personality totally fits the profile. I've tried to flesh out his character, as he is left kind of shallow in the manga. 

This will be the last update for at least a week because I have shit to do, and I leave this Thursday for Anime Weekend Atlanta. (sooo excited. I go to all the cons on the east coast…missed Otakon this year though…damn). If any of you are there and see a chick with black hair and two blood red streaks in the front, with two fairly large tattoos on her arms – that's probably me. 

Please review – I took a lot of liberties with this chapter and need feedback. Before I can continue with this story, I need to know if its current vein is productive and entertaining. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	8. So Happy

Hello everyone. Sorry to give you an author's note…but it must be done. My husband has been gone, in Iraq, for 8 months. He came home today for 2 weeks leave. It was so sweet…he rented a car at the airport and drove here to surprise me. I was just chillin' in my pajamas…he brought me roses. So sweet. So yeah….it looks like I won't be updating for the 2 weeks that he is here. After that, he goes *back* for another 6 months. *sigh* Oh well…I'll just try to enjoy it while he's here. Please don't abandon me…I will return…I promise. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	9. Can you do it?

Disclaimer: Please don't sue my pants off…they're all I have. I don't own this.

A/N: Well, my lovelies…here it is. This chapter is really short, but I wanted to get it up today. There's still a lot more to come. Thanks to everyone for their support while Mike (my husband) was home, and for sticking with me. Please review…I *need* it. I am *terrified* that I've lost something after not writing for two weeks. (Longest I've gone since I started.)

Mike left today…and I'll tell you…we were a *sorry* sight at the airport. Both of us were crying…it was really sad…in that short-bus to school kind of way. It was an odd two weeks, since I hadn't seen his face in eight months, but we got through it. I'm glad to be back though, and hope this new chapter is up to par. ^.^

Chapter 7………..Can you do it?

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Dee awoke some time later. He was a bit disoriented and had to give himself a moment to remember where it was he had fallen asleep. A movement to his right caught his attention and when he looked over he couldn't help the smile that graced his lips at the sight of JJ sleeping peacefully, curled next to him. He noticed that the early rays of the sun were just beginning to peak through JJ's curtains, giving the sky a soft blue-pink glow.

Although he did not wish to disturb the other man, he found himself rather uncomfortable. Stretching as little as possible, he gently lifted himself up into a sitting position. JJ stirred a bit, but did not wake. Dee felt himself yawn, and wiped the sleep from his eyes before scooping the smaller man into his arms and heading for what he presumed to be JJ's bedroom. 

The sight was unexpected. JJ's room was…decadent, almost. It appeared as though he had taken a great amount of time to decorate the room in which he chose to lay his head every night. He had a sleigh bed, far too large for one person…it was the same size as Ryo's. He wondered…somewhere…in the back of his brain…if JJ had such a large bed for…entertainment. It bothered him, although minimally, that he seemed to care at all. Before he had gotten to know JJ, the thought of entering the man's bedroom would have frightened him, as he would have been convinced that there would be pictures of himself strewn about. 

There weren't…except one. 

The one picture JJ had of his Sempai – small and in a modest frame beside his bed – was, oddly enough, of Dee with Ryo. It was nothing special, just a candid snapshot of the two partners getting ready to leave the station. Dee had his arm thrown over Ryo's shoulder, and his usual goofy grin plastered on his face. Dee wondered why JJ chose that picture, but was unwilling to wake him to get his answer…and thus…it would have to wait. 

He laid the smaller man down on top of the covers, before scurrying out to the living room and sweeping up the throw quilt the two of them had been using on the couch. As gently as he could, he placed it over him and smiled as JJ screwed his face up a bit in his sleep, wrinkling his nose slightly. 

Before Dee could step away, JJ reached his hand out and gripped the hem of Dee's shirt possessively. Try as he might, Dee was unable to pry the younger man's fingers from his garment. He slipped out of his shirt, and left it to JJ, who curled up with it immediately. Dee grumbled a bit, but figured he could always get it back later. He put his jacket on and zipped it up, grimacing when the cold metal zipper touched his bare sleep-warm skin. 

Looking in once more to make sure JJ was sleeping soundly; he slipped out the door, intent on walking home, despite the chill of the morning. He figured he would find his way back to Drake's sometime later to get his car.

He finally made it home, his fingers numb and stiff from the cold. Clumsily jamming his hand into his warm pocket, he rooted around for his keys. He kept his head low, sifting through them, until he had found the correct key which would let him into his apartment. When he looked up, and saw a sleeping Ryo at his doorstep he was shocked, at first. The shock, however, quickly gave way to worry. 

Dee bent down and shook Ryo gently, calling his name. When he got no response, he shook a bit harder and called Ryo's name more sternly. The other man stirred, but did not wake. Relieved that Ryo seemed to be okay at least, Dee slapped his cheek without force and Ryo's eyes shot open. He immediately closed them when the pain in his neck registered. He reached a hand around to rub the knot that he developed at the top of his spine from sleeping upright with his head against Dee's door. Dee was just about to ask him what he was doing there, but instead opted to get them both inside first. He extended his hand to his former partner to help him to his feet and unlocked the door. 

"Come on inside and have some coffee…then you can tell me what you're doing asleep at my door."

Ryo nodded and allowed Dee to lead him inside. Once the darker man had satisfactorily put on a pot of coffee, he motioned for Ryo to sit, which he did. 

"So you wanna tell me why I come home at 6:30 in the morning to find you sleeping at my door?"

Ryo flushed a bit at the realization that he had been there all night. "I…I needed to talk to you, so I came here…but you weren't home, obviously. I guess I fell asleep waiting."

Dee grew worried suddenly. "Why? Is something wrong…is Bikky okay?"

Ryo was surprised at Dee's concern and waved his hands to try and calm the other man. "No, no…nothing like that…I just…wanted to talk to you."

"Oh…" Dee checked the coffee's progress over his shoulder before unzipping his jacket and tossing it aside. Standing shirtless, he looked around for a semi-clean shirt. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

Ryo blinked. "Where's your shirt?"

Dee turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. "It doesn't matter. I doubt you came here last night to ask about my clothes."

Ryo was slightly irritated that Dee had not answered his question, but chose not to pursue it. "I…wanted to apologize…for last night…"

"I told you not to worry about it." Dee's scowl belied his words. 

With a sigh, Ryo stood to pour Dee and himself a cup of coffee. "I know…but bringing Sarah was…insensitive of me." He paused then, thinking. "Where did you stay last night?"

Dee knew this game, and telling Ryo that he slept at JJ's was only going to start an argument, or chase the other man away. So instead, he chose to stand his ground. "That doesn't matter either. Was that all you wanted? To say you're sorry? Because somehow I doubt you'd wait outside my door for just that…"

Ryo groaned inwardly. As daft as he seemed at times, Dee was sharper than most people gave him credit for. "I just wanted to talk to you…I miss…seeing you…"

Dee was undeniably happy to hear that Ryo missed him, however, he wasn't about to get his hopes up, yet again. "Really?"

Ryo blushed. "Yeah, I do."

A silence fell over them. Dee was unsure how to respond, and Ryo found himself embarrassed that he had admitted missing his former partner. Having already taken the first step, Ryo gathered his courage and moved in a little closer to Dee. "I need to see something."

Dee quirked a brow and waited for Ryo to continue. 

"Would you…kiss me?" Ryo's felt his eyes drift to the floor, unable to look at Dee after asking such a thing. His gaze snapped upwards, though, when Dee's arm came up by his head, almost pinning him to the wall. 

"I have a better idea." Dee's eyes narrowed, he looked…predatory. "Why don't *you* kiss *me*?"

Ryo felt his cheeks go red as his eyes doubled in size. It was true that he had kissed Dee before…but never on command. All though he was unable to admit it, or maybe even recognize it, the situation had now gone beyond a mere request. To begin with, he had wanted to see how he reacted to Dee's kiss…and now…somewhere…he *wanted* Dee to kiss him. In spite of all this, however, Ryo felt himself hesitating. 

Dee was growing impatient. He grabbed the front of Ryo's shirt and pulled him forward into a bruising kiss. Ryo, lost in thought and caught off guard, was unresponsive. By the time his brain had figured out what was going on, Dee pushed away roughly. Ryo noted, vaguely, that he had enjoyed it, despite his delayed reaction.

"I thought so. So you come here, ask me to kiss you…but can't do it yourself? Is this how it's always gonna be, Ryo? Is it always going to be me kissing you, hoping that you just respond?" 

Ryo found himself both hurt and insulted at Dee's words. "That's not fair! Do you think just because you snap your fingers and say 'now' I'm supposed to just get over everything and dive into your bed?"

Sighing, Dee ran a hand through his hair. "No…not dive, Ryo. But I shouldn't have to push you…"

"Why does it have to be one or the other, Dee? Why do I have to jump, or you have to push me? Why can't things just go on naturally?"

"Damnit Ryo…things *have* been going naturally. I'm sure you see how far it's gotten us…"

Dee couldn't help his hurt feelings. For the life of him he just couldn't figure out why any mention of sex, or anything having to do with it was like kryptonite to Ryo. His partner was a young man in his twenties. He seemed healthy in all other aspects; surely his libido would be the same. Granted, it had been a long while for Dee too…but he was pretty vocal in his displeasure of that fact. He'd made it through…but not without a lot of complaining and trips to the bathroom. Sure Ryo was naïve, and surely he didn't have quite the carnal nature Dee, himself, did…but what could be so scary to Ryo that he avoided sex altogether? He was a healthy, red blooded male…

Suddenly a thought occurred to Dee. He knew Ryo was uncomfortable with the fact that they were both men…but it never struck Dee that it could be the root of his problem. He had struggled with wondering what it was that was wrong with him for so long…but what if it really didn't have to do with him at all?

Dee forced himself to calm a bit before continuing. "Listen, Ryo, I know this isn't just about me…it's about you, too. I know there are things you don't want to admit…not even to yourself." He saw Ryo's mouth open, and lifted his hand to cut him off before Ryo had the chance to speak. "If you deny it, you'll only prove me right. I know you're confused about me…but you're even more confused about yourself…obviously. So before you show up here, asking me to kiss you…why don't you do what I told you to, and figure some things out."

Ryo's stung masculinity wanted him to retort that he was *not* confused…but he knew as well as Dee did that it would be a lie. "What about you?"

Dee wanted to tell Ryo that he would be right there, waiting, but then he thought of how oddly liberating his recent period of *not* waiting had been, painful as it was. It could take years for Ryo to be comfortable admitting his sexuality…and Dee just couldn't find it within himself to promise to wait that long. 

"I…don't know. But this isn't about me…remember? Don't think about me…just try to figure out who *you* are…okay?"

Ryo slowly nodded his head. He wanted to say something…anything…but couldn't find the words. Instead he turned, and draggingly made his way toward the door. Dee held it open for him, leaning against it on one arm, still shirtless. As he passed, Ryo let his gaze wander over the man he still considered his partner. Gingerly, he leaned up and placed a short, chaste kiss to Dee's lips. Dee was stunned, and happy; but like all the other times, Ryo had kissed him, it was over before it ever really began. 

As Ryo strode down the hall, Dee stuck his head out, and called his name. He knew he should stick to his guns…but was unwilling to give up all hope. 

"Ryo! If…if I asked you to do that again…could you do it?"

Ryo's eyes widened before he turned back around, hanging his head. His voice was small, and Dee barely heard it. "Probably not…"

With nothing else to say, Dee went back inside. He downed what remained of his coffee, setting the mug down on the counter. He calmly fished the crushed pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, put one to his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply and letting the smoke curl in his lungs. After the first, long drag, he found himself moving back to the mug. He lifted it up and looked at it a moment, not sure what he was trying to see. Without preamble, the mug was hurled across the room. It collided with the door, sending sticky ceramic shards downward, to the floor. 

Dee estimated that the severed handle, lying cracked on the floor, probably felt better than he did at that moment. 

*******************************************

TBC

Okay, I know this chapter was *very* short…but I wanted to get *something* posted today. I've had a lot of time to think about this story, and a lot more ideas…so there will be *a lot* more, and soon, I promise.

Thanks for waiting for me. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	10. Problems A

Disclaimer: I don't own Fake, sadly.

A/N: Okay, most of my notes are at the bottom. There are a few, however, for up here. First of all, thank you for all the reviews for last chapter (and all the chapters before it). 

I wasn't sure about the trio's schooling, so I apologize if anything is incorrect. It's rather inconsequential…so please let it slide. 

It's now 5:13 in the morning and I *have* to stop writing. This chapter was longer, but I've decided to cut it in half. The next part will be the first half of the next chapter, and it will be here soon.  

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy it! ^.^

Chapter 8………Problem #1: Who we are

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The smell of cedar chips reminded Ryo of home. Not the apartment he inhabited presently, nor the house in which he had lived happily with his parents. No, the cedar brought Ryo to the home that was made for him. The structure was brick, drywall and tile – true – but the *home* was built by Elena, his aunt who, in her quest to provide Ryo with all the material things he would need, gave him instead something much greater – a new family. 

He remembered packing away the sweatshirt before he moved from that home. He was, at first, prepared to leave it behind – with all its tattered edges and faltering stitches. However, Ryo had not been able to part with it. He supposed that love was something like his favorite shirt, not worn since he was in school – at times a bit too snug and no longer pristine, but soft, warm and familiar nonetheless. His aunt had been the one to pack the cedar pouch into the box, and Ryo was surprised that he could still smell it. 

He found it regrettable – that he had not taken it out before now. Sure, it fit a bit tightly, and when Ryo extended his limbs the sleeves bore several inches of forearm, but still it was his favorite. 

When he'd gotten home from Dee's a sadness seemed to weigh him down. Bikky was not yet awake, and this gave Ryo time to dwell on his recent confusion while staring out into the grey New York City morning. He noted how much colder it was than the day before, but did so only briefly before his current conundrum came creeping back to him. 

Dee could be so infuriating. The man insisted on pushing Ryo to his very limits, testing him. And still, Ryo couldn't find it within himself to be angry about it. Of course it frustrated him to no end, but Ryo *had* to admit that the questions Dee made him ask about himself had been swimming around a lot longer than Dee himself. If he were to be truly honest, he'd first questioned his sexuality right at puberty – and dismissed the notion as simple teenage hormones – what *won't* a sixteen year old boy lust after? Later, during college, when Ryo should have found the freedom to flourish, instead he took notice of society's prejudices. He heard the word 'fag', not for the first time, but then it carried with it a malice that stung Ryo, made him ashamed.

He'd had a few girlfriends, very few for such a handsome man in his twenties, and equally few sexual encounters with women. All of them had succeeded in their task of bringing him to completion, but he was always left with a gnawing, empty feeling. He'd been teased about it in college – the girls around him gushed at his striking face and figure, giggling at the blush that laced his cheeks when they spoke of his shy demeanor and supposedly lagging libido. He let them think what they wanted to, of course.

Although he was definitely shy, the nights in which he awoke with a start – covered in sweat with an erection that could double as a night stick – spoke of his libido in terms that were most certainly *not* lagging. 

He could never remember his dreams then, when he shot out of bed and headed for the gym, unable to again close his eyes. But later, toweling off after a shower that would be called cool at it's most temperate, he'd been reminded. It never failed. He would, after his most honest efforts not to, let his eyes shift to the side – to the wrestling team, preparing to wash the sweat of an early practice away. 

A curved upper arm or the delicate yet masculine line at the nape of the neck. Sometimes it was the more obvious of areas – chest, back, stomach – but Ryo seldom granted himself the time to look at those for fear of being noticed. As his breath involuntarily quickened with the images before him, he would see flashes, more explicit than reality, and knew *exactly* what his dreams had consisted of. Still…Ryo found it impossible to act on any of his pseudo-revelations; and over time the urges had managed to die down...until Dee Laytner, that is. 

And so here he was, across town in the cold chill of morning in a sweatshirt that no longer fit him…because it was the only thing he own with a hood. 

Although Ryo realized he most likely already knew the answers to the questions he was now forcing himself to ask, he needed proof…he needed…reminding. It was sheer coincidence that he knew the location of the less than classy adult book store all the way across town. Its existence had been brought to his attention during a case over a year ago, and now Ryo intended to go there and purchase what he would need to come to some semblance of acceptance. He intended to buy both male and female…images…and would, in the privacy of his own bedroom, then be able to admit (if to no one but himself) which it was he fancied. 

The store was now across the street, he could see it. Ryo took a deep breath – he had never been in an adult store – the whole notion seemed vulgar and excessive to him. Still, he'd taken great trouble to get there. He had taken a cab across town in a hooded sweatshirt so as not to be recognized. He realized that the chances of such a thing were slim on a relatively early Sunday morning, but could not squash his paranoia. 

There it was, still, across the street. All he had to do was step off the curb. Once the first step was over, he was sure he could continue the rest of the short walk. Steeling his resolve, Ryo took a deep breath…

…and marched directly to the common magazine stand to his left. Confused or not, porn shops just weren't his style. After a less than scrupulous examination he pulled his hood down and headed home with a copy of both Cosmopolitan and Muscle and Fitness. 

The salesman hadn't even glanced at his face.

******************************************

After a long period of cooling off, Dee begrudgingly made his way over to the busted mug on the floor. He grumbled to himself at the mess, and disposed of the pieces unceremoniously. 

He was frustrated – in more ways than one. Not only had he managed to chase out his former partner, *again*, but he'd had a realization…much to his displeasure. 

He realized that, if he so pleased, he could quite easily take advantage of Ryo's confused state. After his epiphany that morning concerning Ryo's sexuality it had dawned on him that if he chose to he could easily convince Ryo that submitting to him would be the quickest way to get the answers he looked for. 

*This* realization, however, was not what troubled him. 

It also occurred to him, at some point, that he didn't *want* to take advantage of Ryo. He certainly wanted him in his bed, there was no wavering from that constant in his life, however, he realized that he actually cared enough about the man to send him off to find answers his own way. It was important that Ryo figure out who he was, not for Dee, but for himself…even if that meant leaving Dee behind. Even if it meant letting go.

*This* realization made Dee want to shoot something. 

After not taking advantage of JJ, despite the sometimes awkward moments that did not go unnoticed by either of them, now he let Ryo scurry off to figure out what he wanted, resisting an open chance to seize him. 

Dee was going soft…and he didn't like it one bit. 

Still, it *was* best that Ryo solve his puzzles now, or else they might never be deciphered. Dee remembered his own situation, years earlier, and his own confusion. Although minimal by comparison, such an acceptance is not easy for anyone. Living as he did, an orphan all too familiar with the streets, Dee knew about many sordid things while most children only worry over their dolls. He learned, early on, about homosexuality, prostitution…rape. Unrelated things, really…unless you lived in his neighborhood. 

Thankfully, Dee had always been known as a skilled fighter with a hot temper, and thus avoided any assault from the various gangs that seemed to take their pleasure in both boys and girls. He was, however, approached many times. It wasn't until he'd gotten drunk with an older boy that he actually understood his body and its needs. The older boy was a neighborhood punk that Dee had seen around, and spoken to a few times. He'd always thought him quite aesthetically pleasing (as did everyone else), but thought nothing of it. By that time he had been devirginized – the girl being older as well. He had liked her enough, but lusted after her more. She had been very pretty, if not classy or polished. That night, lulled by the alcohol in his blood and acutely aware of the boy's close proximity to him, he did not protest when a rogue hand found his thigh. The hand made its journey, and Dee noticed, not for the first time, the amazing shade of blue of the boy's eyes as he reacted to his touch.

Although not given its own bubble on census forms, Dee knew then his sexual preference.

Dee Laytner liked beautiful things – beautiful people. The rest was just details. 

Grunting, as introspection made his head hurt, Dee recognized the other frustration he was feeling. It was hard to ignore, as it was straining at his trousers. Stubbing out the remains of his cigarette he headed for the bathroom. If a warm body could not sate him, good, old fashioned porno would have to do.

***************************************

JJ stretched and yawned kittenishly as he slowly returned from the sandman's lair. He noted that he was still in his clothes, and then that he was not underneath his bed covers. This brought back memories of Dee and the night the two had spent on the couch. The thought made him blush slightly. 

It was then that he realized that Dee must've carried him to bed. With a fierce grin he conjured up images of himself in his Sempai's arms. The thought was almost too much to bear, and JJ found himself gushing like a school girl. He hopped out of bed, curious as to Dee's whereabouts. 

After checking all the rooms in his spacious apartment, JJ confirmed (sadly) that the other man had left him. Prone to pessimism, he forced himself to remain as upbeat as possible, figuring that Dee had probably just not been able to get back to sleep. Besides, he had so caringly placed JJ on his bed and covered him with the blanket from the sofa…so he told himself that things were looking up. 

He looked at the clock next to his bed; it was still early. With this thought in mind, and fighting the urge to call Dee, he flopped back onto his bed. He shed his clothes down to his boxers and crawled down into the comfortable blankets, prepared to sleep a few more hours. Although it was still morning, he could tell it would be a grey day; and on those days JJ found himself wanting to lie around lazily. 

His eyes shifted over to the picture framed beside his clock. Although Ryo was in the picture as well, his focus was not on the other sharp shooter at all, but on Dee. As he stared at the man who seemed to alter his life repeatedly he felt the ghost of a sleepy smile greet his lips. 

Even though his relationship with Dee was better now than it had ever been before, he was uneasy. They were in a precarious situation – the three of them. And JJ could not help but wonder if losing Dee to Ryo would hurt a million times worse now that he had found a million more reasons to love the man. No matter what…someone was going to get hurt. 

Still he wouldn't give up…not yet. The progress he had made with his Sempai had to count for something, and sooner or later Dee was bound to see that their relationship had extended beyond mere friendship. True, it had not migrated into a physical affair, but the tension was there and Dee would see it eventually…if he hadn't already. 

Drifting again into sleep – the make believe world where he could pretend his family loved him and he didn't have to vie for Dee's affections – JJ's thoughts wandered back, across an expanse of things both relative to his current trials and not. 

He'd never been a normal boy. Even as a small child JJ had been prone to bouts of depression and hyperactivity. He had only vague memories of his family – He'd managed to block most of it out, leaving only nostalgic waves of sadness laced with the echoes of shouting and the smell of alcohol. 

Later, when puberty came courting and his form shifted from one often mistaken for female to a rather pleasing balance in between, he immediately noticed something was amiss. Having grown into a right attractive young man he'd been fairly popular – with other boys. It wasn't that he wasn't handsome, but he seemed to lack the ruggedness the girls his age preferred. He was not what one would call effeminate, in his looks or his mannerisms, but rather, he possessed a kind of androgynous beauty. Men seemed to appreciate this. JJ never harbored any confusion over his preferences – he knew what he liked and accepted it almost immediately there after. 

As the years passed, his stature improved a bit and by the end of high school he looked decidedly male. He had not, though, lost his charms that seemed to transcend gender. He found, in later years, that this could take him far. 

He had not been anyone's catamite, no, but he *did* find himself in a string of relationships with little merit beyond the sheets. Having been diagnosed as bipolar and on the verge of being disowned by the family that already wanted nothing to do with him; he saw no reason to change his convictions. That is…until his met Dee Laytner. 

Without even meaning to the man had wormed his way into the conscious JJ had thought gone. At first he simply idolized him – the easy manner in which he presented himself, sexuality included. After a while, his feelings shifted and he wanted to touch him, to drown in him. It was then that JJ changed his life. He took his position at the academy seriously…and the rest…is history. 

With a sigh JJ felt himself slipping away – sleep was on her way. Stretching out he noted, vaguely, that his bed really was too large for one person. It did seem a bit excessive, as he hadn't had a lover in quite some time. He did enjoy having the extra room though…and he'd have to see what he could do about filling the empty space in the near future. 

*************************************

TBC

Okay….lots of notes. 

First off…I'm so sorry if this made *no* sense. My brain malfunctions sometimes and I can't quite inscribe exactly what is floating around in there. 

Second, I didn't really intend for this entire chapter to be about being gay…but well…it just turned out that way. I hope its okay…as I am, obviously, not a gay man (oh well…maybe my next life *tears*). I just thought it might be interesting to deal with all three men in one chapter explaining how they each handled the situation. 

Lastly, the whole porn thing. Originally, I intended for just the first part with Ryo, but then in occurred to me that (to me, at least) Dee seems like a porno kind of guy. I think that's part of his charm – the everyman thing. (Hey…I have porn…and most likely you do too, in some form…you *are* reading yaoi, aren't you?) I thought it kind of symbolized some of the things that separate the two. 

I tried to be a little more sympathetic to Ryo in this chapter. I do love him, I swear. 

Sorry if this chapter was pointless, as it was mostly character work, but we're returning to the plot next chapter (which is already half-written). It'll be up soon… I *promise*.

Thanks for reading, I love you guys. 

Please read and review.

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	11. Problems B

Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. 

A/N: Not many notes. THANK YOU for all the reviews last chapter! Sorry this took so long, I have been miserably sick. Here is the new chapter, I hope it makes sense (as I am on *so* many drugs right now).

Please read and review. 

Chapter 9………..Problem #2: What We Want

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When Ryo returned to his apartment he noticed that Bikky was still asleep. He silently thanked god that he didn't have to explain why he'd been out in clothes that didn't fit him, or the magazines in his hand. He crept into his bedroom, placing them in a drawer, before changing and heading into the kitchen to make breakfast. 

He'd only just started when Bikky, grumbling from sleep, came sauntering in.

"Mnn, what's for breakfast?"

Ryo smiled at him. "Toast, eggs and juice. You can also have some cereal if you like."

Bikky grumbled again and plopped his pajama clad form down at the table. "Jeez, Ryo I'm a growing boy. Why don't we ever have bacon, or sausage?"

Ryo sat a glass of juice in front of the boy. "Because that stuff isn't good for you."

Choosing not to push the subject, Bikky sat quietly until Ryo finished. When his meal was ready Ryo slid him a plate and sat beside him, intent on reading the paper. His fingers had only just grazed the day's headlines when Bikky's voice cut through to him. 

"So where did you go this morning?"

Startled, Ryo tried to keep a flush from creeping up his neck and onto his cheeks. "What do you mean?"

Bikky didn't look up from his plate. "I heard you come in this morning, then I heard you leave…where'd ya go?"

Ryo knew then that Bikky must've been suspicious as to why he hadn't come home from Dee's until that morning. Offering his foster son a warm smile, he patted his blonde head fondly. 

"I just went out to pick up some things…nothing to worry about."

Bikky, ever the quick witted juvenile, was not going to be led off track. "So I'm guessing you guys got some of your shit worked out…since you didn't come home last night." 

Ryo gave Bikky a harsh look. "Watch your language! And for your information, Dee wasn't home when I got there last night…I kind of…fell asleep."

He had expected Bikky to maybe laugh at him, or call him hopeless, but instead the boy just shrugged his shoulders. "Too bad…I was kinda hoping he'd help you out of this funk you've been in."

Ryo rolled his eyes and swept Bikky's empty plate from the table. "I am *not* in a funk."

"Whatever you say. I'm getting in the shower and heading to Cal's."

As Bikky sauntered away, his day preplanned, Ryo found himself a little relieved that he could spend the day contemplating in peace. Less than an hour later, Bikky had gone, the dishes had been done and Ryo had no other excuses to lead him away from what he knew he needed to do. Regardless, he spent most of the day cleaning and trying to keep himself busy. Finally, hours later, he realized that the apartment was *spotless* and he felt angry at himself for putting off something so important due to fear. He took a few steps towards his bedroom. He told himself that the bed needed making…again. There were some clothes to be put away…again…or maybe the bedroom just needed vacuuming…again. 

Whatever his reasons, Ryo found himself alone in his bedroom. He pulled his magazines out from their hiding place and gingerly sat on the bed, pulling his knees up with his back against the pillows. 

After half an hour of sorting through the 'guides' and coming up with nothing more than ideas for better abs and great new ways to get deodorant stains out of shirts he flopped back against the headboard, irritated – this was getting him nowhere. He sighed and leaned his head back, thinking. 

He thought about Dee and how frustrating all this was. He thought of JJ and how thrilled the little bastard had to be about spending so much time with Dee. He thought of Berkley Rose and the man's easy confidence, and was envious. He thought of Dee, who possessed the same confidence (if not the same refinement). He thought how Dee's confidence seemed so natural, and how the man had a regal animalistic quality to him that transcended his somewhat bad behavior. He thought of how the confidence manifested itself in him, how Dee exuded it without even trying – in the firm lines of his shoulders, refusing to slouch. He could be standing next to God and the man wouldn't carry himself as anything less than equal. It was in the way the muscles in his forearms tensed and became rigid when danger was near, like a cat sensing the hunt before it even began. The firm grip of his hands – even when giving the gentlest of caresses the strength of those hands could be felt anywhere he touched. His hands were rough and calloused – appropriate for such a strong man who'd worked hard all his life. Dee chewed on his fingernails, especially when he was nervous. Ryo thought that it might be pleasurable, if not a little painful, to have the course edges dragged along his skin – leaving angry red welts in their wake. They would swell, crisscrossing over each other and leaving flesh marked and more chaotic than before…but infinitely more beautiful.

Suddenly Ryo's eyes shot open and he nearly fell off his bed. He'd never allowed his thought processes to go that far before. He'd always found some reason to open his eyes, something to clean or paperwork that needed to be done. But this time the thoughts had just come naturally, flowing to him from somewhere between the front and back of his mind. Magazines fallen forgotten to the floor, Ryo realized he had an erection. It wasn't the mediocre type he'd grown used to, taking care of it in the shower almost as if it were a chore, this was intense; this was…demanding. 

Ryo hadn't felt this kind of burning pressure in years.

Not really allowing himself time to think about his actions, Ryo found his fingers deftly undoing his belt, followed shortly by the button of his pants and the metallic teeth of his zipper. When he looked down, his situation was as he had suspected it to be – and when Ryo finally reached a shaky hand out to touch himself he thought he might pass out from sensory overload. 

A slideshow of images invaded his mind, some born of reality…some not. It began with Dee, scratching and stroking – his fingers leaving tiny bruises they gripped his hips *so* hard – somehow it progressed and the vision shifted – a strange melding of traits vaguely remembered – all belonging to one member or another of that sweaty wrestling team he'd thought forgotten. It was all very fast paced and there were points where Ryo was uncertain just *who* had decided to pop into his mind's eye. He noted, in his brief moments of cognizance, that all the images were decidedly male. 

In spite of his decent into lust induced madness, he knew where it had ended. When he threw his head back – sobbing and gritting his teeth, not caring as his skull slammed into the unforgiving headboard – it ended in the same place that it had started…

…Dee.

*****************************************

Blowing his bangs out of his eyes with a 'pffft' Dee looked out amongst the wash of people. This place had way too much energy for his tastes. It wasn't that he didn't think himself energetic – he just wasn't as energetic as he used to be. And being surrounded by people who *were* full of such vitality made him feel…old.

Turning around so that he could lean his elbows against the bar behind him Dee took another swig of his beer and squinted his eyes in attempts to find the imp who'd dragged him there. Getting distracted, he thought back to earlier in the day and the events which led to him being in his current situation. 

********************************************

FLASHBACK

"JJ…I am *not* going to a gay bar with you."

Dee scowled, although he knew JJ couldn't see him through the phone. 

"Yes, you are. And it's not a bar, it's a club."

"That's great, JJ. I don't care if it's a four star restaurant and Jesus himself is the Maitre'D. I'm not going."

It had been a long morning, and an even longer day (despite his morning rendezvous with Rosy) and no matter how hard Dee tried he couldn't get rid of either of the nagging feelings assaulting him. They took turns, beating him senseless and without mercy. The first was the ache Ryo always left in his heart when the man pulled stunts like he had that morning. Dee knew Ryo meant no harm, but it was like seeing him could make the sun rise and then 'poof' he was gone again – leaving Dee missing him more than ever just when he thought he'd started to learn to live without him. The second was a...different sort of ache. When pining over Ryo subsided, his neglected libido would take over, threatening mutiny if it didn't get the attention it deserved. 

Dee could *hear* JJ frowning. "What's eating at you today? You sound way too pissed off for a rainy Sunday."

Dee sighed before replying. "Ryo was on my doorstep when I got home this morning."

Silence. 

Dee knew he shouldn't have said anything, and was about to apologize when JJ, back to his chipper self, piped up. 

"That's *exactly* why you should go with me. Great people, great music…it'll cheer you up. Besides, I get my drinks for free there."

Before he could analyze it Dee found himself asking "Just how do you do that?" in a voice that sounded a little more scandalized than he'd intended. 

JJ chuckled, observantly, before quickly answering. "I'm a sniper. With a gun. End of story."

Dee found himself laughing. "If I knew that would get me free drinks I'd try it every now and then!"

He hadn't expected JJ's "You have to be a *good* shot, Sempai…err…Dee. So…anyways…say you'll come with me tonight. I haven't been out in ages and I don't want to go alone. C'mon…c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon."

With a resigned sigh and a roll of his eyes Dee relented.

END FLASHBACK

******************************************************

And so, here he was…alone. He'd blatantly refused when JJ had tried to prod him into dancing. If there was one thing Dee Laytner did not do, it was…vacuum. But if there were two things Dee Laytner did not do….well…dancing was in the top five. It wasn't that he was a poor dancer, he had in fact, been told the opposite. More so, he felt like people scrutinized him when he danced. He knew, of course, that most people couldn't care less, but he had trouble doing something if he didn't absolutely *know* he did it well. 

JJ had begged and pleaded with him but Dee stood firm; telling the other man that he was *there* at least and not to push his luck. Finally, and not without a pout far too much like that of a schoolboy, he'd relented and been dragged off to the dance floor by some tall kid with too many tattoos. 

Dee did not regret his decision not to dance, although it looked like those participating in it were having fun. He was content to stand at the bar; sucking alcohol down like it was going out of style and watching the pretty boys wander by. Soon enough though, he began to lose interest in the scenery and leaned back, closing his eyes. The music washed over him, its subtle pulse falling in rhythm with his own natural beat. The lights flashed about on his face…but he hardly noticed. He was too busy thinking of Ryo and how his hips swung from side to side when he cleaned the house, driving Dee crazy. The only thing sexier than Ryo's swiveling hips was the fact that the other man had *no* clue just how tempting he was. 

He pictured Ryo, the music aiding his fantasy, and suddenly the house disappeared. It was just the two of them, out in the blackness of space and surrounded by music. He felt the stirring in his groin as he continued to fantasize…figuring that no one in this particular establishment would care or even notice. The place had more back room than front room, after all. Just as the music reached a pinnacle, slowing down to an almost silent thump before exploding into an unholy melody of sounds Dee smiled to himself. The fantasy Dee had just reached out to run one hand along a fair, alabaster torso and then up into…silver hair?!

Shaking his head, as he was certain some alien had flown into his brain; Dee tried to clear his thoughts. Ryo was again the center of his attentions but he couldn't put the same effort into it that he had before. The thought that JJ had somehow usurped his daydream was upsetting him greatly. 

To make matters worse, when he opened his eyes the sight that met him was…provocative…to say the least. 

********************************************************

JJ felt better than happy. JJ felt…euphoric. 

He'd gotten Dee to come out with him, even if the stubborn ass refused to dance. He'd reluctantly bounced away with another man, not illegally young, but no older than twenty. The man/child smelled like soap and fresh cut grass…and he flooded JJ's senses. 

Perhaps he'd had too much to drink….perhaps there was no 'perhaps' about it. 

The alcohol swimming through his veins made him feel tingly and put a rose tinted flush on his cheeks. His mood was unbreakably high – he was just inebriated enough so that his brain shut up and more interesting parts of him took over. It had been a long time since JJ had felt this way, and he missed it. Of course this kind of behavior any more than occasionally was out of the question. He knew that as well and also knew how it ended up when it became a habit – hazy memories and waking up half clothed (if clothed at all) in a stranger's bed.

Still, he was excited – his inhibitions gone. The young man he'd been dancing with grabbed him unexpectedly, grinding their hips together. He felt his midsection pick up more motion, the dancing becoming more like writhing than anything else. 

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, JJ realized he had issues he needed to work out. He had work in the morning. He had problems that were far more pressing than the human drill he was currently mashed into. 

A voice that sounded suspiciously like his brain told him that this behavior wasn't good for him. It was like drugs – providing a deceptive high that only seemed higher when it was gone and out of reach. The voice reminded him of all the days he'd longed for something more – something not found in the slickness of a stranger's mouth or the bottom of a bottle. 

Another voice (that also sounded like his brain) told him to forget about what was and wasn't good for him. It told him to forget about wanting anything more than the sweet nothingness he felt at that moment…because what else was there? It told him that he wasn't overdoing it, as he did in his younger days, and to simply have *fun*. It told him that no matter what happened to him he would always have these moments (sober and otherwise) where nothing existed except the pleasant feeling of just letting it all go. 

It told him that everything would be *okay*. 

He continued on with what he was doing – because it felt good, because he wanted to, and simply because he *could*.

Yes…vodka was a very good thing, indeed. 

*******************************************

Dee watched, transfixed, as JJ practically dry humped his dance partner. 

He had taken notice of the other man before they had arrived, dressed in clothes that would no doubt get him fired at the precinct, but he had been rather distracted by Ryo and the day's earlier events. Now, already confused and not just a little bit drunk, Dee wondered if his jaw would need sterilizing after dragging along the sticky floor. 

The kid JJ was dancing with was attractive, and he looked at the sniper as though he wanted to devour him and then suck his bones clean *right there*. Dee thought this would unnerve him, but so far it had only intrigued him. When the kid grabbed JJ by the hips and slammed against him, Dee almost got up, ready to help his friend if he needed it. He saw quite soon, however, that help was most definitely *not* needed. JJ began to grind against the youth just as hard, one hand slung over the young man's shoulder and the other buried in his hair. 

Dee had never denied his inner voyeur. He assumed most people had it in them…somewhere. This was something different though…the young man he'd come to think of as a friend was eliciting something from deep within him – something that made him terribly uncomfortable. Something that made it impossible for him to tear his eyes away; and there he stood…staring. 

He wondered if the pair would head for the infamous backroom, and he chose not to wonder why the thought bothered him. It really was none of his business, and yet he found himself snarling like some wolf, his favorite tree invaded. 

JJ seemed to have no idea he was being leered at so intensely…and looked all the better for it. 

Slamming his beer down in complete confused frustration, Dee headed for the door. This was not how things were supposed to go. This was not something he'd expected or planned on and it most certainly was *not* something he wanted to try and figure out while less than lucid. 

He needed to think things through. 

He needed to sober up.

He needed to see Ryo. 

From several feet away a very disappointed young man tried again to coax his slightly older dance partner into the back with him…but he kept ignoring him and looking around. He was just about to ask if they could get another drink when the silver haired kitten darted towards the door saying something like "Oh no you don't, Dee Laytner".

*********************************************

TBC

Bwhahaha. Evil cliffie. 

One quick note: about JJ's inner voices. I didn't want it to come off as though he was crazy, but rather, I took from times that I've felt the same way. The feeling one gets when the alcohol sets in and you know you're about to do something you wouldn't have dreamed of otherwise, or you *know* you have bigger things to worry about…but you don't care because you realize just how inconsequential you are and how fleeting life can be. I think that those are some of the most honest moments we humans experience. It's Zen-like…almost. I just wanted to try and get that across

Sorry this took so long. I have a sinus infection so bad it feels like a jackhammer is in my skull. Dragged my sorry carcass to the computer for this though. 

I'm still not telling which pairing(s) I will be going with. Guess you'll have to read and see. 

Thanks for reading, and please review.

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	12. Problems C

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue. 

A/N: Okay…I know this is right on the heels of the last chapter, but I figured I'd better get it over with. *winces*

One note: READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END!

I repeat:

READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END!!

Thank you.

Chapter 10………..Problem #3 When We Falter.

************************************************

"Son of a bitch!"

Dee realized, only after stepping out onto the street, that he had left his jacket draped across a bar stool. He debated going back in for it but a replay flash of JJ writhing about caused him to keep walking. He didn't really know where he was headed, but he knew this area of town fairly well and figured he would know when he got there. 

He thought about heading to Ryo's but it occurred to him that he'd only just seen him that morning and it might be too soon after their less than pleasant parting. He didn't want Ryo to think he was pushing him. Stopping for a moment, he fished around in his pants pocket for his pack of cigarettes and took out the last one, shoving the crumpled and crooked vice into his mouth. He continued walking, and soon enough had worked himself into such a state that the cold no longer bothered him. 

He couldn't figure out why he had reacted the way he did at the bar, or worse, why it bothered him so much. Something in his head refused to let go of the idea that such thoughts were adulterous, and that he'd betrayed Ryo. It perturbed him further that he couldn't shake that feeling. He wondered why it felt that way. He loved Ryo, he could readily admit it…but…they were not, and had never been 'together'. Ryo had brought a woman to Drake's party, and god knows what he was going to do now, in his quest for answers. He wasn't stupid, contrary to what some might have believed, and he knew his situation with JJ would come to a head at *some* point in time. He had just assumed that it would be as it always had – he would let JJ down, albeit more gently than before. 

He thought about all the time that they were spending together, and JJ certainly seemed to understand him better than Ryo. JJ had to know that he was just a replacement for Ryo…at first. But lately it had been about more than that. He enjoyed the man's company and complete acceptance. He liked his childlike smile when something made him happy and the little mewling noises he made when he slept. He liked the light in his eyes when he was excited and, more so, he liked that *he* was the cause of that light. Dee had to wonder if he *wanted* to let JJ down. 

But exploring this thing with JJ would have its consequences. It would ruin any chance he had with Ryo, and Dee knew it. The trouble was…he didn't know if he even *had* a chance with Ryo, and after wasting two years chasing after him Dee didn't think he had it in him to go another two or even one. There was no way to know how long it would take Ryo to figure out what it was he wanted. Even if he did figure some things out, how long would it take him to be *comfortable* with another man? Would he *always* possess such a passionless outlook on all things sexual? And Dee had to wonder…could he afford to let someone who he genuinely liked, someone who understood and actually *loved* him just slip through his fingers? 

He more than liked JJ, his head told him that much. His groin, who up until then he'd maintained a working relationship with, liked him as well and wasn't about to let that fact go unnoticed. But what did that mean about Ryo? Did it lessen what he felt for his former partner at all? Because, to Dee, it felt as strong as ever. 

Flicking his cigarette onto the pavement, Dee expelled the last of the smoke from his lungs and sighed. Dee knew that if Ryo weren't an issue he would have no problem embracing JJ's affections – but such thoughts were pointless because Ryo *was* an issue and Dee wasn't sure he would want it any other way. Still, he wondered, would being with JJ be so bad?

Annoyed and feeling a headache coming on Dee gave up the idea of being sober and stepped into a semi-quiet sports bar. He could catch a cab home, or wherever he ended up, as he had left his car at JJ's. He spent the next hour yelling at the TV (along with everyone else) during the late replay of the Knicks game and sucking back a few more beers. When the game ended he decided that he just wanted to go home. He paid his tab and set out again into the cold night air only to realize that he'd left his keys at JJ's as well. At the time he hadn't seen any reason that he wouldn't return to get them. Without his keys he couldn't get into his apartment. 

At first he thought about going to Ryo's. He could just explain the situation and ask politely to sleep on the couch. No, he decided, that idea was no good. Not only was it approaching two in the morning but he didn't really fancy telling Ryo that he couldn't get his keys because he'd gone to a gay club with JJ and had to scurry out because the sniper was turning him on. He'd be lucky not to lose an eye for that one. Ryo had a jealous streak in him, which was a marvel to Dee since it was the *only* streak he seemed to have. He even noticed the slight jealousy when Rose turned his attention elsewhere. That had always pissed Dee off, of course, but he figured that maybe Ryo needed the extra attention. Maybe that rat-bastard of a commissioner gave Ryo something that he simply couldn't. Of course Ryo got jealous over him as well, which seemed a blessing at first. Later, however, it frustrated Dee that Ryo could be so cold if he thought his attention strayed yet still refused to return his affections. 

Dee realized he only really had one option. Well…two, but he didn't much like the idea of paying for a hotel room. 

He had to go back to JJ's. 

With a grimace, he hailed a cab and gave the driver the directions. He knew where JJ kept his spare key (noting that he too should get a spare) and hopefully the other man wouldn't be in yet. He could just slip in, grab his keys and head home to get some sleep before work in the morning. 

The cab pulled up and Dee told the driver to wait, that he would be right back down. When he reached the appropriate door he found the spare key and inserted it into the lock. He'd only just turned the doorknob when the door swung all the way open and he found himself with an armful of JJ. The smaller man almost knocked him over with his fierce hug, both his arms wrapped about his neck. 

"JJ wha – "

"I was so worried about you! I was out looking for hours and I couldn't find you; I thought something happened!"

Dee pried the other man off of him and ran his hand through his hair. "No JJ, I just needed…some air."

He closed his eyes, feeling a bit guilty for worrying his friend. His lashes had only just graced his cheeks though before his eyes snapped open. He'd been slapped across the face rather hard. 

"What the hell?" Dee questioned, shocked. 

"What the hell is right! What were you thinking just taking off like that? One minute you were at the bar and next you were headed out the door. I tried to catch you but you were long gone when I got there. Did it not occur to you that I might worry, or how very rude it is to just ditch someone like that?!?"

Rubbing his cheek, Dee sighed. "You're right. I'm…sorry. I went for a walk. I just needed to think and I couldn't think in there."

JJ stepped into the apartment and held the door open, signaling for Dee to follow. "Come on in…I have your jacket."

Dee did come in, but stayed near the door. "I left my keys here, too. I have a cab waiting downstairs…so…"

Dee heard a jingling noise as his jacket was thrown at him and soon his keys followed suit. They might have hit him if he hadn't caught them with his superb reflexes. He was about to turn and head out the door when JJ spoke up from the other side of the room.

"Did you?"

He stopped. "Did I what?"

"Think."

Dee relaxed a bit. "Yeah…didn't really come up with much though."

"Look," JJ started "you know you can talk to me, right? If you need to talk you can stay…even if it's about…"

JJ didn't finish, but Dee knew where he was headed. He could only imagine how much it must've pained him to offer. After all, he wouldn't be thrilled about listening to Ryo pine over someone else. He found himself admiring JJ for his willingness to listen, even though he wasn't about to discuss with him what had run through his mind earlier. 

"That's alright JJ. It's late…we both have to work in the morning."

JJ moved closer to him and his voice was softer than before. It more like the voice Dee had gotten used to hearing. "I know something's bothering you and I think you should deal with it. I already told you that you could talk about Ryo if you need to. I mean…who else are you gonna talk to?"

Dee found his voice raising, though he hadn't meant for it to. "It's not that simple! Why does everyone assume that every time something is wrong with me it's because of Ryo? Am I worth so little without him?"

JJ moved even closer, closing the door. Dee had noticed his state of half-dress upon his arrival but hadn't paid much attention with being slapped and all. But now the other man was standing very close to him in nothing but a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Luckily, he didn't get to think on this too long, because JJ spoke up. 

"You should know better than to question your value with me. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. Sit down; I'll bring you some water. It'll help you sober up."

Dee sat, obediently, as JJ slipped into the kitchen to pour a glass of water. He thrust it into Dee's hands and headed for his bedroom. 

"I'd only just gotten in when you got here. Let me put some more clothes on"

JJ returned, clad now in a long sleeve shirt with his pajama pants. He still smelled like cigarette smoke and sweat, not having showered yet. Silence fell over them before Dee finally spoke. 

"You seem pretty sober, considering how much you had before I left."

JJ scowled. "Well I ran more than a few blocks trying to find you. I sweat most of it out and what was left I think I worried away. The room is still a little fuzzy though."

"Sorry about that." Dee said quietly.

"So" the younger man began before sitting next to Dee on the sofa "what's eating at you?"

"Nothing I care to discuss." Dee's tone warned JJ not to argue. 

"Fine. Do you want a blanket or something? I'm sure you were freezing out there without your jacket."

"Sure" Dee replied before JJ got up to grab a blanket from his bedroom. 

When the sniper returned and the blanket was snuggly wrapped around Dee's shoulders he tried to think of something else to talk about. 

"I'm sorry if I ruined your night, JJ. You looked like you were having fun, too."

"I was…but it wasn't that important. I still had a nice time while we were there."

Dee heard himself let out a sound that was an odd hybrid of a snort and a laugh. "Yeah I know. That guy looked like he was going to mount you right there."

JJ raised an eyebrow; he hadn't known Dee was watching him. "Really? I didn't notice." He said sarcastically.

Dee mimicked his raised brow. "Seriously though. You guys looked ready to…leave…sorry if I messed anything up for you."

"No" JJ replied absently "I try not to do that anymore."

"Anymore?"

JJ leaned back onto the arm of the sofa, sticking his socked feet underneath Dee to warm his toes. "Yeah. I used to make that kind of thing a habit, you know." He laughed a little at the memory. "Half the time I had no clue where I was when I woke up."

"Really?" Dee asked, a little surprised. "You'd just go home with whoever?"

"Well, no, not really. I'm pretty picky I'll have you know. I'd usually pick someone out early in the evening and then worm my way into their bed…not that I ever remembered much of it, though."

Dee started a bit when JJ's toes wiggled underneath him. "Worm your way? Just how do you manage that?"

JJ interlocked his fingers and placed his hands behind his head in a makeshift pillow "I was pretty badly behaved back then. Believe it or not, I was usually the one making promises and saying sweet things and then running off quietly in the morning."

"Is that so?" Dee asked. He was purposefully ignoring the fact that thinking of JJ having so many lovers bothered him. "I never imagined you to be so…dominate…I guess."

JJ gazed pointedly at him. "I'm not."

It took Dee a moment to figure out just what he had meant. When he realized what it was JJ was referring to he snapped his mouth shut to keep from inserting his foot. 

"Besides" JJ cut in before another silence took over the conversation "I haven't really done much of that since the Academy. I mean, I've had a few slip ups…but for the most part I've kept myself fairly well behaved. Sometimes I do miss it though…the freedom of it all." He sounded somewhat wistful and all was quiet for a brief moment. Snapping back to reality he added with a laugh "Not to mention I haven't gotten laid in a *really* long time."

Dee snorted before pointing a finger at him. "You'll get *no* sympathy from me."

"God" JJ started, thinking back "It's been…what…six months? I'd lost track."

"Six months, Ha! Try two years!"

JJ's eyes got huge and he held up a hand to his mouth. "Are you serious?"

Dee blew the hair out of his eyes. "As a fuckin' heart attack."

"Oh my god." JJ said lamely. He couldn't imagine going through two years of celibacy. It only made him angrier that Dee was willing to go to such lengths for Ryo and the other man couldn't even appreciate his devotion. JJ was sure Ryo had most likely been abstinent as well, since he had the libido of cardboard, but Dee was different. He hadn't even known Dee very long when he'd figured out that the man was extremely sexual in nature. 

"Hey, JJ?"

"Yeah?" he answered distractedly, still lost in thought. 

"Is it alright if I smoke in here? Since you picked up my jacket I have another pack of cigarettes."

"Sure. Let me get you an ashtray."

Dee nodded as JJ went into the kitchen and retrieved a small glass ashtray from a cabinet. 

"Why do you have one of these? I thought you didn't smoke."

"I don't. But I used to. Kind of went with that whole 'partying' thing."

"Ah" Dee said around his cigarette, which was resting at the corner of his mouth. He fished out his lighter and tilted his head to the side as he lit it, cupping the flame with his other hand. The light made the flecks of gold in his green eyes dance, and with his head tilted, his ink black hair fell just into his eyes. 

JJ noticed how incredibly masculine and sexy he looked, but found his thoughts still wandering back to the incredulous news Dee had shared with him. He thought on it, staring into space. 

Dee saw his friend leering and snapped his fingers in front of his face. "Why are you zoning out?" He asked him as he sat back onto the sofa. 

"Sorry Sempai." The silver haired man answered. "I was just thinking…two years…damn. Are you sure it even still works?" He sounded more sarcastic than cynical.

Dee growled and shot smoke out of his nose. "Hey! I'll have you know it works just fine! I like to think of it like a classic car – spends most of the time in the garage or getting waxed and only comes out for special occasions."

JJ laughed so hard he thought he might asphyxiate. Soon Dee joined him and they were both wiping tears out of their eyes. "Yeah" he said, still twitching with mirth "I guess that analogy was a little rough."

JJ's laughs died down too and when he caught his breath he let out a happy sigh. "I'd say it's more like a '57 Jaguar XK SS Roadster. Extremely rare…almost unattainable." 

Dee's cigarette almost fell out of his mouth at both the compliment and the fact that JJ even knew about such a rare car. "Thanks…I think."

JJ quirked a brow and fixed him with a glare. "You think? That is an extremely rare car. They only made sixteen of them. Steve McQueen had one."

Dee flicked the ashes from his cigarette. "I didn't know you were such a car enthusiast."

JJ grinned. "I'm not. I *am* a Steve McQueen enthusiast though." He followed his comment with a purring sound.

"You know he's dead, right?"

"Yes I know he's dead! Besides…if he weren't he'd be in his seventies. I mean, I like older men and all – " JJ winked at him " – but no. Even I have standards."

Dee grinned back at him. "Well at least you have good taste. Although he was a little rugged for my tastes he *was* pretty cool."

JJ crossed the distance between them, sitting on the coffee table and in front of Dee. He had a feral look in his eyes. "You're pretty cool too, you know."

Dee said nothing, and neither did JJ for what seemed like a very long time. When the tension was too much to ignore Dee gave a pained sigh and stubbed his cigarette out. "Why does that always happen? We were just sitting here, being friends…"

JJ reared back a bit, as if he'd been stung. "Sure, we're friends, but don't think for one second that it changes how I feel."

Dee grunted, wondering why he'd even brought it up. "I just don't know why it always has to come back to this. Nothing is ever simple…"

JJ's voice rose as he stood from his position. "Nothing worth anything ever is. Did you think that just because we became friends I'd stop feeling the way I do about you? After I got to know you even better than before? What kind of sense does that make?"

Dee stood as well, towering over JJ briefly before looking for his keys. "*Nothing* makes sense anymore."

He'd said it more to himself than to JJ, but JJ definitely heard it. 

"What does that mean?"

Dee found his keys and made a beeline for the door. "Nothing important. I need to go…it's late."

"Since when do you run away?" JJ practically yelled from the other end of the room.

"Since I got so damn confu – " Dee stopped himself from saying anything else. He had to leave. Immediately. Five minutes ago would have been better. "I'll see you tomorrow, JJ." He said lamely before pulling his jacket on and turning away. His hand had just touched the doorknob when he heard JJ behind him. 

The words "Fuck *that*" reached his ears a nanosecond before another pair of lips assaulted his own. Dee's eyes widened to the size of saucers and he realized that he should probably pull away. However, when a warm tongue snaked out and ran across his bottom lip he felt his resolve weaken dramatically. Just as he might have been regaining his wits he felt JJ's hand move up into his hair and when the other man's nails scratched against his scalp before gripping his hair and tugging ever so slightly he felt all tenacity leave him. 

He growled deep in his throat and returned the pressure at his mouth with equal force. He lifted JJ's weight easily, the silver haired man's feet leaving the ground as he was pressed roughly into the door. 

When JJ's back hit the cold surface he wrapped his legs around Dee's waist instinctively. Dee groaned at the sensation which, in turn, caused JJ to whimper. The larger man withdrew slowly, catching JJ's bottom lip between his teeth and drawing it out. When his lip was free JJ threw his head back and didn't care when it smacked against the door. 

Dee moved his mouth down JJ's jaw and further to his neck. When he reached the pale column, he bit at it causing the hand buried in his hair to tighten. When he began to soothe the bites with the slickness of his tongue, JJ's hand loosened its grip on his hair and slipped down to his chest. He pushed Dee's jacket open and slid his palms up to his broad shoulders, wanting to get rid of it completely. 

Dee complied, lifting his knee to help take JJ's weight as he switched arms until the jacket came off and pooled in the floor. JJ took the opportunity to lift the other man's shirt up over his head while his position allowed it. 

JJ's breath caught when he leaned back against the door to look at Dee. He was strong and tanned and so incredibly defined. His skin felt soft, despite his hard appearance. He was smooth, except for the slim trail of dark hair starting underneath his navel and heading southward to pleasures yet unknown. It was so much more than perfect and so very very intense that for JJ it was almost…surreal. Dee smelled as he did in JJ's mind, like aftershave and cigarettes…masculine. Needing to know that this wasn't another one of his dreams he leaned forward and attacked Dee's lips again, and their tongues made contact before their mouths did. 

Dee ran one hand up from JJ's hip to his waist. He pushed it around to his back and felt warm flesh there, as his pajama pants had slipped down a considerably. His fingers danced for a moment, drawing circles on the small of JJ's back before his palm flattened and he ran it up along the his spine. 

JJ moaned into the kiss as he felt Dee's hands run along his back. They were rough and large and left his skin burning everywhere they touched. He was hindered, however, by the doorknob pressing harshly into him. He warred internally over whether or not to suggest they take their activities elsewhere, terrified he might break whatever spell Dee was under. Finally, after he was sure he'd bruised his spine, he tore himself away from the marathon kiss. Before speaking, though, he moved one hand back into the black hair of his partner and pulled softly to the side. Dee groaned and followed the movement, his head tilting and baring his neck. JJ swooped in, running his nose along the pulse and darting his tongue out to lick just behind Dee's ear. The larger man cried out softly, tilting his head back – wanting more. JJ used the opportunity to speak in between kisses to the same spot. 

"I think *kiss* that we *lick* should probably *suck* move this to the *bite* bedroom."

Dee heard a tiny voice tell him no, that it wasn't a smart idea, but a much larger one from somewhere south of his brain told the first voice to shut the fuck up.

Dee didn't reply with words; he lifted JJ by his hips and stumbled into the bedroom with the sniper still wrapped around his waist. 

JJ blindly swatted a hand at the light switch, plunging the room into darkness. He used the same hand to swing the door shut and soon the two were illuminated only by the pale blue of the New York City moon. When he noticed that Dee was heading for the bed, he wiggled out from his grasp, sliding to the floor. 

He found his legs a bit wobbly after not standing on them for several minutes. Kneeling as elegantly as he could, JJ slipped down until he was on one knee. He ran his hands up along the tanned and muscular torso in front of him before curling his fingers and dragging his nails back down. Dee made a whimpering noise and leaned one arm out to brace himself against the wall. JJ was glad that Dee seemed not to notice or mind the shaking of his hands. He'd never had trouble steadying them before, but now they were trembling as though he were freezing. He shrugged off his own shirt, pulling it over his arms and tossing it to the side.

Dee told himself that he should back out now, before it was too late. But every time he opened his mouth to say 'stop' something else would come out. A groan or growl or some other sound of pleasure. It felt *so* good and he hadn't been touched in so long. More than the somersaults his long denied libido was doing, Dee simply had forgotten what it felt like to be loved. The only mother he had known he'd had to share with many other children and Dee had always relied on his lovers to provide the intimacy he craved. It had been too long since anyone had touched him that way. 

Dee looked down at his lithe partner. He was pale, but not sickly. His frame was smaller than Dee's own, but it suited him well. His chest was nearly flat, and his abs were toned as were his shoulders and arms, but not overly so. His hair was a bit wild from having pulled his shirt over his head and a lock of dark silver fell into his face. As Dee kept his eyes trained on him, JJ reached forward, wrapping his hands around the taller man's hips. With his thumbs pressed into the front of his hipbones and his fingers pressing into his lower back just above his low slung jeans, JJ pulled forward, moving Dee's hips towards him. 

The movement was slow, deliberate, controlled. When he stopped pulling, he kissed Dee's stomach, causing the other man to gasp. The kisses moved lower, until he could dart his tongue into Dee's bellybutton. JJ felt the dark hair tickle his bottom lip and chuckled slightly, moving the tip of his nose along the taut stomach before him. He pressed into Dee's hips again, hard, and pulled his jeans down on one side so that he could suck on his hipbone. 

"God" Dee managed to sound out before gripping JJ by the hair and pulling him away. 

Immediately JJ pulled back, terrified. "What's wrong?" His voice was almost a whisper. 

Dee tugged at him, coaxing him to stand. "Keep that up and this'll be over before it even begins. Two years, remember?"

JJ sighed in relief and hooked a finger through Dee's belt loops, leading him forward. He walked backwards until the back of his thighs hit the bed. He fell back and brought Dee with him, pleased with the feeling of Dee's erection pressed into his leg. Pushing up on his elbows, JJ crawled to the head of the bed, Dee crouched over him like a cat. He surged up, capturing Dee in a series of short, bruising kisses. Dee returned them eagerly and as JJ reached out to grasp the button of his jeans he turned his head to the side, JJ's mouth now busy on his chest. 

JJ finally won his battle with the evil Levi's button and had only just reached for the zipper when he felt Dee reach out, towards the bedside table. Looking over, he saw that the other man had flipped down the picture he kept framed. The picture of Dee…with Ryo. 

JJ chose to ignore it and grasped the zipper, its metal teeth separating and granting him access to what he wanted. Before he could put his hand inside, Dee grabbed his wrists, pressing them back into the mattress. JJ quite liked being dominated and mewled when Dee dipped down to kiss him, his grip on JJ's wrists strong and rough. 

The kiss didn't end, but sort of…changed. Somehow, Dee's lips never left his skin but ended up on his neck. With JJ still in a deathlock he spoke in between bouts of nuzzling and nipping. 

"Why do you have that picture?" His fingers toyed with the top of the smaller man's pants, pulling them down to reveal sharp, defined hipbones. 

JJ was a bit surprised. "Unngh…do you really have to ask…ahh…why I have a picture of you?"

"No" Dee drawled, nipping at JJ's ear with his teeth "Why do you have *that* picture?"

JJ closed his eyes and threw his head back, offering more of his neck to Dee's talented mouth. Without thinking, he gave Dee the first answer that popped into his head…the truth. "That's…when you look…happiest."

Dee stopped. 

The lack of movement caused JJ to shift under him in protest. It was then that JJ realized the words he had spoken and mentally slapped himself for it. He ran a hand soothingly along Dee's forearm. 

"Sempai…" he started, but Dee cut him off. 

"I can't do this."

JJ gripped his arm, his nails leaving little crescent moons in the bronzed skin. His blue eyes looked as though they threatened tears. 

"Because of Ryo?"

Dee nodded, but quickly amended his answer. "Yes and no. It's not because of what you think."

JJ began to get noticeably upset. "Isn't it? You want Ryo; he won't have you; and no one else will ever do?"

"No" Dee replied in a gentle voice. He absently ran a hand along JJ's side as he spoke, comforting him. "I don't know what I want. I know that right now I want you…but…I know that I'm not finished with Ryo and until I am…if I ever am…I can't do this. Not to you or to him."

JJ wailed, which Dee wasn't expecting. "Are you saying that I'm supposed to wait here patiently for you until Ryo finally tells you 'no' once and for all?"

"No! I would tell Ryo the same thing if I were with him right now!"

"Oh really?" JJ replied, sounding disbelieving. 

"Look" Dee started "I'm completely focused here – " He placed JJ's hand over his erection and bit back a hiss of pleasure " – but here – " he moved the hand to his heart "I'm completely confused. I can't be with *anyone* while I'm like that."

He got no reply, so he continued. "I couldn't forgive myself, JJ, if I went through with this only to back out later. You would hate me and I would hate myself."

He gave the smaller man a pleading look, having expressed himself in the best way he knew how. 

JJ looked on the verge of tears and he couldn't look Dee in the eye. 

"I think you should leave." he whispered and jerked his hand away from where it had been resting on Dee's chest.

Hanging his head, Dee complied, picking up his things and heading for the door. Before he slipped through he turned back to the anguished sniper. 

"I'm sorry, JJ. But I meant what I said…please believe me."

He heard JJ sigh just before he slipped out of the room. Before he went for his jacket and keys he leaned against the door, angry with himself for allowing things to get so far. 

He'd hurt one of the only people to genuinely care for him. It was true that what he'd just done had, indeed, hurt JJ. But Dee couldn't imagine the kind of damage he would have done if he hadn't forced himself to leave. He didn't know if he would have this chance again, but was unwilling to risk hurting JJ even more if he couldn't get over Ryo. The trouble was, if Ryo had walked in, right in the middle of whatever it was he and JJ had been doing, Dee would have immediately called it a mistake. And if Ryo were to suddenly change his mind and decide he wanted him, Dee couldn't honestly say that he could tell him no. Such musings were far fetched, of course, but the truth was – that Dee simply couldn't bring himself to give in to JJ unless he *knew* that nothing, not even Ryo, could make him regret it.

He supposed that he would feel the same way about Ryo – that he would be unable to accept the man while JJ still bounced around in his head. 

With his head still against the door, JJ's words carried through the barrier to his ears. 

"I *do* believe you…and that what hurts so much."

Dee pulled himself away and tried to make as little noise as possible as he dejectedly headed home.

*************************************************

TBC

OKAY! Before you get a lynch mob assembled, I think I should get a chance to explain!! *ducks sharp objects*

First of all…you knew it was coming.

Secondly…Do *not* assume the pairing(s) yet. I still have quite a bit to write and there are *big*things in store for our boys. **ALL 3 OF THEM**.

Third… Whew…this is a big one. 

As unhappy as I am sure many of you are, this had to be done. After all the character work and interactions between these two I absolutely *refused* to let the tension be ignored. It wouldn't get ignored in real life…at least…in *my* real life…and it won't be here either. This relationship has been the most progressive in the story so far and it *had* to reach a pinnacle. This was planned from right near the beginning, and really shouldn't surprise you. **The next chapter is Dee/Ryo centric**, and it will be here soon. The Dee/Ryo stuff was supposed to go in this chapter, but it would have been way too long. This was, as I see it, the most realistic way to take things. I apologize if any of you experience health problems due to this chapter.

I have received many, many reviews stating the reader's desire for this to end up a Dee/Ryo fic…and it very well may. (Of course, it may not, but I'm certainly not telling) However, I refuse to take the story off into happy original pairing land™ simply because that's the easy route. I've also received reviews stating that some people are no longer willing to read this story if it becomes Dee/JJ. Now this is where it gets complicated. Although it has now officially become Dee/JJ (for *this* chapter…although I think it has had Dee/JJ *and* Dee/Ryo all throughout it) I don't understand why anyone would quit reading, if they have enjoyed the story thus far. As I said, this is far from over, and I have tried really really really hard to make *all 3* of the main characters very clear in their motivation and thought processes. I want a reader that hates JJ, or Dee or Ryo to be able to understand them better at the end of a chapter, I guess. I hope that, at least to some of you, I've accomplished that, so far. 

I apologize again if I have ruined your day, but it will get better, *I promise*, as long as you keep reading. 

Please read and review, although I'd rather not get flamed after all the trouble of explaining. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika__


	13. More Problems

Disclaimer: Not mine, so please don't sue me. 

A/N: Just a few notes. They are responses to reviews, but the reviewer name isn't up with them because if I did it like that, I would have to respond to all the reviews. (It's a thing I have)

#1: I am *so* glad someone brought up the cab. I was going to have a sentence like 'somewhere down on the street an angry cab driver pulled away muttering 'that asshole'. However, to do so, I thought, would have broken up the flow Dee and JJ had going…so I left it out. Let's just say the guy got the hint and drove off. 

#2: Someone mentioned that for Dee to stay with JJ would have destroyed his loyalty to Ryo and that said loyalty is one of the qualities that defines his character and makes him likable. I couldn't agree more.  

#3: Another review I got stated something like "I still want it to be Dee/Ryo; I hope its okay that I said that." *Of course* its okay. I never meant to sound like I didn't want you guys to tell me what pairing you liked or wanted. I even posted an author's note near the beginning asking for that specifically. That's what reviews are all about. I want your feedback, and of course I want you to tell me where you want the story to go. I was addressing the more militant of the reviews and the ones that don't seem to care *how* they end up together, as long as they *do*. 

#4: Someone mentioned throwing Drake in there. Yeah…NO. Wow…that sounded a bit harsh. I didn't mean for it to. I just…I refuse to add another romantic angle so that everyone ends up happy. No can do. Also I hate, hate, *hate* the 'odd ones out ending up together' thing. Everyone *always* does that with Tatsumi and Watari in Yami No Matsuei. They always end up together simply so that they have someone. I've yet to read one where they actually have *reasons* to be together and it disgusts me. It's fanservice…nothing more, nothing less. Now…there's nothing wrong with fanservice. Many people love it (hence the term), and I myself am guilty of reading a few simply to satisfy my happy bug (rarely…as I'm sure you've noticed by now that I have no heart j/k), but I *refuse* to write it. The same thing goes for Berkley with Ryo. Although I think they might have something there, I haven't explored that relationship or given it any true merit and thus it will not be added. Whoever gets left out in the end won't have someone else to turn to…at least, at that time. Sorry…but I thought I should let you know now. Yeah…again…that makes me sound like an über bitch. I don't mean it that way, and I know it was just a suggestion. I know that it sucks when not everyone has a happy ending…but think…if everyone really got a happy ending…how boring would life be then?

#5: I had one review mention the 'lemon' scene. I don't really consider it a lemon since no one's pants came off…more lime, I think. However, I just wanted to ask that the L word not be put in any of the reviews, pretty please. I've worked hard on this story and I'd hate to have it taken down. I've been seeing more and more stories removed, and there seems to be little to nothing we can do about it. When the true lemon situations pop up, I'll probably post those parts on AdultFanFiction.net, providing, of course, that they warrant such raciness. I've found that sex scenes can be just as effective (if not more so) without graphic detail, as long as they are written with care. I will let you know either way, when the time comes. 

#6: THANK YOU. The response to the last chapter was overwhelming and I can't thank you enough. Thank you for all the reviews telling me how much you guys appreciate the character work. I was so honored to get so many that said, more or less, "I didn't like JJ, but your JJ could end up with Dee and it would still work." THANK YOU!

#7: WARNING! Angst alert here…major major angst alert. 

Chapter 11……………..Problem #4: When We Hurt.

*****************************************************

"I *do believe you and that's what hurts so much."

JJ heard the door close, and he knew that Dee had left him.

Normally he would have, under such circumstances, run after him and tried to salvage the situation. But JJ just didn't have it in him to move, let alone run. He crawled underneath his blankets and stared at the ceiling as though it might hold the answers he was looking for. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness and a beam of moonlight sliced through the semi-blackness, giving the area by the large window a soft blue glow. JJ might have thought it poetic – if the area of his mind reserved for profound thought wasn't already preoccupied contemplating his misery. 

It wasn't that Dee had left him unsatisfied – his erection wilted instantaneously at the mention of the 'R' word. At first he'd found himself angry that Dee's nonexistent relationship with Ryo had spoiled everything…again. But then Dee had tried to explain, and even though it was more like rambling, JJ knew exactly what he meant…and believed him. Although it seemed a bit backwards, the knowledge that Dee actually did care for him as well as Ryo made things ten times worse for JJ. Now his mind would not be able to rest. Now he would be unable to stop the drowning flood of 'what if's and 'if I'd gotten there sooner's. To know that he'd been so close to finally getting the man he'd loved for longer than he cared to remember would make it that much worse if he lost in the end. 

Regret was an emotion that JJ was all too familiar with – and he didn't like it any more now than he ever had before. It was ineffectual, if not completely useless. Still JJ, like so many others, found himself wallowing in it. Although he knew it wouldn't change anything the question of what he could have done differently surrounded him, taunting and relentless. 

Tears threatened him, but JJ refused to cry. He felt the prick behind his eyes and shut them tightly, fighting it back. After a few moments he kicked off his blankets and threw himself out of bed. The air was cold on his naked torso, but JJ found himself far from caring. He ran a hand through his hair and flicked the light on before going back out into his living room. He did a quick scan of the place and noticed that Dee had forgotten his cigarettes. It had been years since JJ smoked, but at that moment a cigarette sounded very, very good. He sniffed once and made his way over to them before shaking one out of the pack and shoving it between his lips. Dee had apparently put his lighter back into his pocket, and JJ had to think a moment before remembering that he had matches in a kitchen drawer. After digging around for them he lit one and wrinkled his nose at the offending smell of sulfur. He lit the cigarette and inhaled before coughing and expelling the smoke. Dee's brand was considerably harsher than what he had been used to in the past, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. The nicotine made his head swim momentarily, as his body had been free from it's toxins for a long time.

Cigarette still in hand, he turned towards the refrigerator, opening it. Various groceries stared back at him, but he reached his hand instead to the lower right hand shelf where he kept his beer. Before his fingers wrapped around the chilled bottle he paused. It was only a few hours until he had to go to work and he knew what it felt like to try and function on that fine line separating tipsy and hung over. He knew what it felt like to be so disillusioned with life that existence itself was too much of a bother to go through without a vice. He reached for a bottle of juice instead. 

He'd only smoked half of the smoldering stick in his mouth when he turned on the faucet and stuck it underneath. The cigarette went out with a hiss and he tossed it into the trash. He needed something…anything…to keep him from plunging into the full on fit of despair that was lurking just beneath the surface. He knew himself well, and knew that if he let that darkness free it would rip him to shreds. He could already feel the gashes forming, its sharpened claws tearing at him begging to be let free. 

JJ needed to shoot something. 

He was good at it, no, he was the best. His gun offered him something he couldn't find anywhere else…control. There had to be a shooting range open…somewhere. He padded back to his bedroom and dropped to his knees before reaching under his bed to find the box where he kept his weapon locked away. His fingers grasped its hard metal edges and he pulled forward, ready to unlock and open it. 

By chance his eyes shifted to the side and he noticed a crumpled ball of black fabric. He was pretty good about not leaving clothes on the floor and didn't remember wearing anything black recently. Curiously he reached over to it and held it out, looking. It was too large for him, and JJ knew that it could only belong to one person. It wasn't the shirt Dee had been wearing (and later *not* wearing, he reminded himself) earlier and JJ wondered how it had gotten there. 

He thought back and hazy memories from the edge of consciousness came to him, but just barely. He remembered being in his bed and grasping out for Dee so that the man wouldn't leave him. He could just make out the image of Dee pulling the shirt he had fisted in his hand over his head and leaving it with him. 

JJ held the shirt at arm's length for a long moment, his lip quivering. Against his better judgment, he finally pulled it to him and inhaled deeply, letting the other man's scent fill his nostrils, his brain…his heart. All the tension, all the frustration and hurt welled up in him so much that he felt he might burst and leave sticky remnants of a sad and lonely boy all over the walls. There was no stopping it then…and JJ curled into a ball, the shirt still gripped fiercely to his chest…and cried. 

Through his hushed sobs and the breaths that were so hard to take they felt as though they might actually kill him, JJ knew only one thing for certain. 

This pain, this unbearable pain that threatened his sanity – he wouldn't give it up for the world – not if it meant giving up all the things knowing Dee Laytner had taught him. He supposed that was what true love really was.

*************************************************************

Ryo slept more peacefully than he had in months. He'd had an epiphany…not to mention a mind blowing orgasm. He wasn't sure, exactly, what that meant for his relationship with Dee, but felt that such questions were normal. He wasn't quite ready for a swan dive into untested waters, but he had no doubt that Dee would be happy to hear that he had finally figured out that he wanted him and that he was…g….ga….

Okay…so he still had work to do…but he *was* making progress. 

He'd picked up the phone at least ten times earlier that night, wanting to call his former partner. Every time, though, he'd slammed it back down before even pressing the numbers. He was nervous, that much was true, and he figured that just because he'd begun to figure out what he wanted that didn't mean he had to tell it to the world just yet…or even that he had to tell Dee. He didn't want the man to get the wrong idea and charge full force into something Ryo knew he wanted…just not so soon. 

And so he'd gone to bed. Sleep came easily for him as he drifted off wondering what he would say to Dee the next day. 

He knew one thing for sure.

He couldn't wait to see the other man's face.

************************************************************

Dee decided to just drive home. He'd been pretty sober before and the situation he had just gotten out of, coupled with the bite of the cold winter air brought him back to full awareness. 

During the drive he turned on the radio, hoping the blare of the music could block out the dissonance wailing about in his head. It did its job for the first few blocks. The songs were familiar and Dee could sing along which satisfactorily distracted him. However, when the next song came on, it was slower with a melancholy undertone to it. Dee had never heard it before, and it wasn't the usual fast paced sound he usually liked…but…there was something about the sound of the acoustic guitar. It sounded as though it were…weeping. It was like a certain poetic sadness dripped from every note played and Dee found that he couldn't bring himself to turn it. 

Soon the lyrics started and he listened, distractedly at first, but later with rapt attention. Save for a bit of gender differentiations the song seemed to suit his situation extremely well. It put his feelings into the words that he himself couldn't seem to find. He noted, absently, that it was commonly known that when one was depressed *every* song on the radio seemed appropriate. 

The song continued and soon Dee was home. He sat in his car, listening to it until the very last note had been played. He felt drained – physically, mentally, emotionally. He fished around in his pocket for a cigarette and swore when he realized that he'd left them at JJ's. 

With a deep sigh that carried with it the uncertainty that Dee felt all the way into his bones, he rested his forehead against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. He had no desire to walk up to his apartment and crawl into a cold, empty bed. 

Amidst the chaos of his mind and heart, he knew one thing.

He had to all this straightened out. Soon. 

*********************************************

The next morning Ryo walked into the precinct humming quietly. He grabbed himself a cup of coffee and wasn't surprised that Dee wasn't in yet. He knew that his former partner had a problem with punctuality and figured the other man would be there soon. 

He made his way to his desk, now facing JJ's, and looked to see his partner propped up on one elbow, leaning his forehead against his hand. His hair was a little wild and if he noticed Ryo, he didn't mention it. 

"Morning JJ" Ryo chirped. 

JJ looked up at him, his expression blank. He had dark circles under his eyes which were red and a little puffy. He looked horrible. As Ryo took off his jacket and sat down, he told him as much. 

"JJ, you look horrible. You look like you didn't get any sleep."

JJ turned his blank expression into a slight glare before speaking in a sharp and flat voice. "I didn't."

Before Ryo could inquire as to why JJ neglected his sleep on a work night (not that he cared), Dee came through the door. He looked no better than JJ. Ryo was about to get up and see why he looked so bad when Drake passed by him, shoving a folder into his hand. 

"You're late, partner. You look like shit; what time did you go to bed?"

Dee leaned against the wall, letting the structure take his weight. "Around 11…two days ago."

Ryo stiffened and looked down at JJ. The jealousy welled up in him and he had to fight not to hurl his coffee mug at Dee from across the room. He inspected their appearances again and something told him that whatever reason they had been up all night, it hadn't been pleasurable. He forced himself to sit back down and take a deep breath. He looked down at the files on his desk and told himself to remember that this was *work* and not a soap opera. He'd just opened up the case that they were currently working on when the Chief yelled his name from where he was standing a few desks over. He turned his head, giving the man his attention. 

"The Commissioner wants to see you, now."

He was about to nod and head to Rose's office when Dee's voice cut through to him. "I'll bet he does."

Ryo turned around. "Dee"

"That's me" Dee said with little to no enthusiasm.

"I wanted to talk to you…if that's okay. There are some things I want to discuss."

"Good" Dee started "because I need to talk to you too."

Ryo drew back a bit. Dee's expression was darker than he had ever seen it. What could have bothered the man so much? 

"Come over for dinner then. I'll send Bikky to Cal's; he won't mind."

Dee nodded and Ryo headed off to see Rose. On his short journey something occurred to him – JJ hadn't said a word to Dee. Even before they'd become friends JJ couldn't let the opportunity pass to at least talk to him, and there he had been, a foot or two away from him and…nothing. Something was definitely off. He didn't have time to dwell on it before reaching Rose's door and knocking softly. 

"Come in."

Ryo stepped in, closing the door behind him. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Rose didn't look up from the file on his desk. "Yes; have a seat."

"O…okay." Ryo sat a bit nervously and waited for Rose to finish what he was doing. 

It seemed like the man was oblivious to Ryo's presence. He didn't look up, or speak to him for several minutes. Finally he scribbled one last thing with his pen, set it down and sat back, giving Ryo his attention. 

"The State Police need a sharpshooter. They have a large batch of trainees coming up and their previous instructor is out, due to illness. They've contacted me because they need someone to fill the position. The course will be taught near Lake Placid, upstate. It's not permanent; you'll only be gone for nine months and it'll look great for that promotion you've had your eye on."

Ryo let the information sink in. It was a great opportunity and an honor to be asked. However, he kept coming back to the time period. Nine. Months. He and Bikky would profit greatly from any promotion he might receive – the extra mouth to feed had made things a little difficult for him financially. But nine months…Dee had already made it clear that he was tired of waiting and unwilling to do it any longer. Would he be there waiting when Ryo got back?

Ryo decided he didn't want to risk it. "I'm sorry, Sir. I'm going to have to turn the offer down. There are things that need my attention here."

Rose quirked a brow. "Oh? Such as?"

Ryo had to think quickly. "My son, Sir. He's in the middle of school and I don't have anyone else to take care of him."

Rose leaned back, pushing up his glasses. "I've already taken care of all that. They're willing to accommodate the both of you and there's a private academy that he can attend. I pulled some strings and you won't have to pay for his tuition. I think you'll find his studies could improve greatly there." He handed Ryo a pamphlet with information about the school. 

Ryo thought on it a moment. It was tempting to accept if for no other reason than to give Bikky the opportunity to improve his school records. Still, he didn't want to leave Dee and doubted Bikky would be very happy about attending a private school, away from his friends. 

"I'm sorry, Sir. I don't think I can just pick up and move right now."

Rose stood and moved closer, making Ryo tense in his seat. "Well that's too bad, Detective McLean…because you don't have any choice."

Ryo snapped his head toward the other man. "What?"

"It's already been decided and there's nothing you can do about it, I'm afraid. You leave in two days."

"Two days?"

The Commissioner nodded. "I know it's sudden, so I'm giving you today and tomorrow off. You leave Wednesday at noon and arrive in Lake Placid around six."

Ryo found himself getting upset. This had been decided without his permission, and even though it was a great opportunity, it was one he didn't want. Rose's tone and look made it clear that there was nothing he could say to get out of it. 

Ryo gathered his things and headed out of Rose's office without another word. He was not a happy man and he knew that Dee and Bikky weren't going to be pleased either. He passed Dee's desk where the other man looked like he was trying desperately not to fall asleep. 

"I'm leaving for the day; I have…things to do. Come over for dinner around seven, okay? We need to…talk."

Dee agreed and watched Ryo leave. He was dreading the coming evening, dreading the argument they were no doubt going to have. JJ walked by a few seconds later and Dee reached his hand out to stop him. JJ tried to glare at him but ended up looking more forlorn than anything else. He snatched his arm away from Dee and stepped back. 

"Can I help you?"

Dee stood and moved close to him, not wanting to make their conversation public. His voice was low, almost a whisper, but still sharp. "Yeah you can help me – come to the break room. We need to talk."

JJ didn't answer at first, then finally 'hmph'ed and allowed Dee to lead him to the break room. Once inside he sat heavily into one of the worn chairs and looked up at his Sempai, his arms crossed over his chest. 

"Well, I'm here. Talk."

Dee let out a sigh and sat across from him. "Look, I'm sorry for…for…"

"For almost getting naked and then running away?" JJ interrupted. 

Dee was a little shocked at his bluntness, but shook it off. He was pretty blunt himself, most of the time. "Yeah…I guess."

JJ shook his head. "It's alright; you didn't do anything wrong. I came on to you, remember?"

"Yeah, but…look, I'm just…sorry. You seemed so upset when I left. I didn't mean to be a cock tease or anything."

JJ stood, clenching his fists. "It's not about that! You could be a eunuch for all I care; I would still love you!" He recoiled instantly, realizing he'd said too much. He recovered quickly. "Anyways…it's no big deal. I should have known better."

Dee's face softened and he found himself reaching out. He hadn't meant to touch JJ, but he wanted to comfort him and the action seemed natural. He touched the back of his hand to the sniper's cheek. "No…you shouldn't have. You weren't wrong either. JJ, do you feel okay? You're burning up."

JJ shrugged out from under Dee's hand. "I get sick pretty easily. All the stress with no sleep must've brought it on."

"You should go home."

"Maybe" JJ replied before rubbing his temples. He closed his eyes and was shocked when he found himself pulled against Dee's chest in a hug.

"Look" Dee began "I can't make you any promises. I can't even give you any hints…I have *no* clue what's going to happen, myself. But no matter what…I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that."

JJ almost purred at the contact. He felt really awful and the comfort felt…perfect. He was content to just let the moment be – silent and serene – but Dee opened his mouth again. 

"I'm going to Ryo's tonight."

JJ snorted and wiggled out of Dee's grip. He reeled a bit, feeling disoriented due to his fever. "I heard."

Dee stepped back and crossed his arms, getting ready to head back to work. "You should go home, JJ. One way or another…I'm going to have this shit taken care of soon. I promise."

JJ didn't answer him, just nodded and watched him walk out of the break room. He laughed at the observation that for god knows how many years he'd been doing just that – watching Dee go. 

****************************************************************

Ryo sat on his sofa, thinking. He had changed out of his work clothes and into more comfortable jeans with a sweater his aunt had given him a few Christmases ago. He had no clue what to say to Dee…or Bikky. He looked around the apartment he had made his home and realized how much he didn't want to leave it. Bikky was going to be difficult – he would no doubt get angry and shout a string of words unbefitting such a young man. Ryo thought about what he could say to make his foster son realize that he himself had no say in it.

He looked at the pamphlet on the school Rose had given him. Although it looked far from what Bikky would choose for himself, it was extremely promising from an educational point of view. It was the Northwood School of Lake Placid. At least it was co-ed. He didn't think *any* amount of convincing could make Bikky go to an all boys school. It had an 8:1 student teacher ratio, which would be perfect as Bikky tended to need more attention than the over crowded public classes offered him. It wasn't that Bikky was slow, quite the contrary. Ryo had found his foster son to be *extremely* bright – it was just that he had trouble focusing. With a 75 acre campus, 100% college placement and an excellent sports program the facility seemed *perfect* for Bikky. Spending a school year there would do him tremendous amounts of good. 

If only Ryo could say the same for himself.

After Bikky, Ryo concentrated on Dee. This was the hard part. He'd been set to tell Dee that he wanted him. It might have taken him a while to get comfortable with the idea but he *wanted* him. The decision was huge for Ryo and now it had been greatly overshadowed by his impending move. He had no clue what to do. He was terrified that Dee would be unwilling to wait for him. Nine months wasn't forever…but it was a long time…and Dee was very clear that he was tired of waiting. 

He thought about all of their previous conversations. He didn't want to make Dee wait…but came to the conclusion that he just might do it if he *knew* that Ryo would come back to him, ready to open new doors in their relationship. He was still nervous about what Dee would say, but decided that he would tell him the truth, and hope for the best. Dee would wait for him, he wouldn't like it…but he would do it…Ryo hoped. 

A little while later, Bikky returned home from school. He tossed his backpack into the floor and looked at Ryo quizzically, surprised to find him home so early. 

Ryo pointed his finger at the school bag. "That doesn't belong in the floor. Go put it in your room."

Bikky grumbled and lifted the sack again. "You're home early. I just came to pick up my basketball; I'm gonna go play for a while with some friends."

Ryo waited until Bikky came back into the living room and patted the seat beside him. "Set that down for a minute…we need to have a talk."

Bikky rolled his eyes and crossed to him, but kept the ball under his arm. "I ain't in no trouble am I? I didn't do anything, I swear!"

Ryo smiled at him. "No Bikky, you're not in trouble…and don't say ain't. It *isn't* a word. Not to mention that double negative in there. Really…don't they teach you anything in school?"

Bikky let out a huff and flopped down onto the couch beside his foster father. He sat the ball on the floor and played with it absently with his feet. "I'm sittin' so…what do you want to talk about?"

Ryo wasn't sure where to start, so he went with the first thing that popped into his head. "Do you want to go to college, Bikky?"

Bikky rolled his eyes. "Damn, Ryo, I'm trying to do better in school. Besides…you know I can't get into college anyways – not with my grades, and it's not like you can pay for it."

Ryo remained patient. "I didn't ask if you thought you were going to get into college. I asked if you *want* to go. Do you?"

Bikky thought for a moment before answering. When he did, his voice was small, as though the thought embarrassed him. "Well yeah, sure. I mean…of course I don't wanna do all that work…but…growing up how I did…I wanna get out of here. I don't wanna end up like my old man."

"Okay" Ryo smiled. "I've got some big news, then. You and I are going to be leaving for upstate soon. I'm being sent there for work and they are going to pay for you to go an exclusive private academy."

"What?" Bikky asked lamely. 

"Listen" Ryo started "I didn't have any choice in the matter. That means *we* don't have any choice. Besides…I looked at the school and it's an excellent opportunity for you. It's only for nine months, and then we'll come back. I'm sure Cal will be fine…it's not forever."

Bikky turned the idea over in his head. He wasn't quite accepting, but he was intrigued. "When are we supposed to leave?"

Ryo sighed. He didn't look forward to this part. "Wednesday at noon."

Bikky blinked. "Wednesday. As in…today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday, then Wednesday. That Wednesday?"

At Ryo's nod Bikky jumped up, shouting. "Oh hell no, Ryo! This is so not fair! I can't say goodbye to Cal or my friends in two days! Fuck you, I'm not going!"

Ryo stood as well and tried to keep his voice calm and gentle. "We don't have any choice, Bikky. I don't have a choice and as your guardian you have to go where I am. I'm just as surprised as you are…and I don't think I have to remind you what'll happen if you use that language with me again. Moving or not, I'll still ground you and I would think that during your last two days you'd want as much freedom as possible."

The young man glared defiantly back at him. Ryo thought of how strong Bikky was, how his seemingly unbreakable spirit showed through in circumstances like their current one. He hoped Bikky never lost that. The glare softened a bit when Bikky realized that Ryo really didn't have a choice and that fighting wasn't going to do him any good. He left the basketball on the floor and spun on his heel, heading for the door. 

"Where are you going?" Ryo had a good idea, but asked anyways, just to be sure. 

"Cal's…I'll prolly be back late."

Ryo smiled – he knew young love when he saw it. "That's fine, but don't be too late, okay? And call me if you go anywhere else."

"Fine" Bikky snapped just before he walked through the door, slamming it behind him. 

_'Well that went better than I thought it would.'_ Ryo thought to himself. 

**********************************************************

Seven o'clock had finally arrived and Ryo checked again to make sure everything was ready. He'd changed back into more presentable clothes – it wasn't as though Dee hadn't seen him looking less than pristine – it was just that tonight was…different.

He'd gone over what to say at least a million times – his dinner was ready, the table was set – now all that was missing was Dee. 

Surprisingly, it was only about two minutes after when Ryo heard the knock on the door. Usually Dee was late. He didn't have a mirror in the kitchen, so he checked himself one last time in the microwave before padding out to answer the door. 

Dee was staring at the ground when he opened the door. He immediately looked up, his eyes going a little wide upon noticing that Ryo had changed clothes. He himself still had on his worn suit from work, wrinkled and smelling like a hard day at the office. But Ryo didn't care…he looked and smelled like…Dee.

Ryo held the door open for him, inviting him in with a warm smile. Dee smiled back at him – the place had come to feel like a second home to him and he hadn't been there in a good while. He took off his coat, hanging it on the coat rack as he was used to doing. When the duo moved further into the house he stopped, needing to get to the point. 

"Ryo, look…"

Ryo held a hand up, silencing him. "Can we just eat dinner first? It'll get cold if we start talking and I'd like to have a nice, quiet, dinner."

Dee thought to himself that sitting through dinner with Ryo looking as he did would only delay the inevitable and make it that much worse when it came, but relented anyway. He nodded and allowed Ryo to lead him to the table where the dishes were set perfectly, as they always were every time he came over. 

Dinner was…tense. The food was terrific, and Dee had missed Ryo's cooking. He'd missed sitting quietly while Ryo cooked – marveling at how the man knew at all what he was doing. Dee had never been a good cook, and all the times he'd tried had ended up in disaster one way or another. 

Ryo was always so meticulous in the kitchen. His delicate hands would chop and stir finely, never getting dirty no matter what he did with them. He would hum to himself while cooking. Dee doubted that Ryo even knew he did it, and he had no intention of enlightening him. The other man would no doubt be self-conscious about it if he knew, and Dee didn't think he needed anything else to be embarrassed about, nor did he want him to stop the lovable habit. 

Ryo took such pleasure in cooking. He *knew* that whatever he made would be better than the 'food' Dee ate at his own home, yet he still always asked how it was with that hopeful gleam in his eye. Dee loved how his face lit up when he told him it was excellent and how Ryo's modesty would kick in and he would point out the things that could have been better, knowing that Dee didn't notice any of them, nor care. 

"How is it?" Ryo asked.

"It's…fine." Dee replied and damned himself when he saw Ryo's face falter for a second. 

The rest of the meal continued in silence. Anyone who might look upon the two would think it a peaceful quietness. 

They would think wrong. 

Ryo kept alternating between his nervousness at telling Dee about both his feelings and his impending move; and wondering why the other man seemed so distant. He was brooding, almost – picking at his food and barely eating any of it.

Dee couldn't eat much due to the back flips his stomach was doing. He didn't even know where to begin with his approaching conversation with Ryo and he had *no* clue how things were going to go. Dee liked control and its absence made him very, very uncomfortable. 

After Ryo had finished eating and realized that Dee wasn't going to eat any more than he already had, he stood and gathered the dishes. Dee was anxious to get the proverbial ball rolling but knew that Ryo would be unable to do *anything* until the dishes had been done. 

As anal retentive as it was, Dee loved that about his former partner. He had never been able to be organized. Of course he'd *wanted* to, but things just ended up messy no matter how many times he told himself otherwise. He had to put enormous amounts of effort into keeping anything neat, and usually found it more trouble than it was worth. Ryo, however, didn't have to try at all. His order and grace just came naturally to him and it blew Dee's mind. As far as Dee knew, nothing about Ryo was chaotic – in his life, or his nature. 

Most of him thought of it as a good thing, something that he himself didn't understand and could never accomplish. He found that the man's nature – opposite his own – suited him well, kept him constantly learning. Another part of him, however, found it rather passionless. Ryo got upset and angry; of course, he wouldn't be human if he didn't. But Dee remembered his own younger days – when he felt *so* full of life that he thought he was going to explode because his exiguous human form couldn't contain it. He'd had such zeal for life and – though it was true it had gotten too intense at times, almost eroding him – Dee hadn't cared at all. 

He missed that feeling. 

Finally, the dishes were done and the two returned to the living room. Ryo sat on the sofa and waited for Dee to sit beside him. He was disappointed when instead he sat in the armchair to the right. He noticed Dee reach up and unbutton the top two buttons of his long sleeved work shirt and the action made him want to crawl over and tell him everything right then. It wasn't as though he hadn't seen such a thing before, but he had never given himself the chance to appreciate the eroticism of such a gesture. He had never allowed himself to complete the thoughts that Dee started with his suggestions and kisses. Well…all that was about to change…if Dee was willing to wait for him. 

He was about to take the initiative and just plunge into the conversation when Ryo noticed something.

Dee was chewing on his fingernails. 

Ryo knew his former partner's mannerisms well and knew that Dee chewed his nails when he was upset…or nervous. Dee looked up, setting his hands in his lap, oblivious to the nervous action he'd just been doing. "What did you want to talk about?"

Ryo paused, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth and teething it for a second, thinking. "Don't worry about that right now. You said you needed to talk to me about something, too. What was it?"

Dee fidgeted in his seat before speaking. "Do you love me?"

Ryo's mouth fell open – he hadn't been expecting him to say *that* and didn't know how to answer. "W…what?"

Dee squirmed even more and looked everywhere *but* at Ryo. "Tell me you love me and that'll be it. Just say it and I'll give you whatever it is you need – patience, time, space – just…say the word and I'll do it."

Ryo furrowed his brow. Something was obviously wrong. "What in the hell has gotten into you? Your voice is shaking so much I can barely understand you."

Dee took a deep breath to steady himself. "I need to hear you say it, Ryo. It's…" his voice faltered again and he cursed his vocal cords "…it's now or never. I need you to say it…or…or this is it. If I leave tonight…I won't be back."

Ryo brought a hand to his mouth, taken aback. Something had to have happened to cause such a reaction in Dee and to cause him to issue such an ultimatum. He found himself looking down at his lap; looking at Dee while the other man was so uneasy unnerved him. "Why…why are you…what happened?"

A pregnant, heavy, silence fell. Ryo sat, waiting, while Dee breathed heavily and fished around in his pocket for his new pack of cigarettes. Ryo could see him, in his mind's eye, shaking one out and lighting it. Although his gaze stayed glued to his own knees, he'd seen it many times before and knew it well. He would have been mildly annoyed at Dee's decision to smoke in his house without permission – if he could've focused on anything except the gnawing feeling in his gut. 

Ryo heard Dee exhale the smoke from his lungs, followed by a deep breath of clean, unpolluted air. He thought he might be hearing things because he swore he heard Dee sniffle, as though he were crying.

"JJ and I…we…it was…I didn't mean…"

A honey blonde head snapped up, almost black orbs making contact with sad, green eyes. Dee took one look at the expression of grief and betrayal on Ryo's face and let his head fall into his hands, pulling at his black hair. 

Ryo found himself speaking before he meant to. "Did you – "

"No." Dee cut him off before he could finish the thought. "But…I might have. I almost did. I…I…" Dee wanted to say he was sorry…but found himself wondering what it was he had to be sorry for. 

Ryo was up and pacing in seconds. "So you came here to tell me that? What, do you want my blessing before you actually go off and fuck him?"

Dee winced at Ryo's comment. Ryo had to be pretty upset before he used the 'F' word. "No…" he said calmly "…I needed to talk to you. I'm…confused."

Ryo's anger began to get the better of him – he never had been able to control his jealous streak. "So what then? You give me an ultimatum…*I* can fuck you now or you'll just find someone else to fill your bed?"

Dee found that to be a bit much. "That's not fair, and you *know* it. We're never going to get anywhere if we just keep slinging mud at each other, Ryo. I came here because I needed to talk to you – if you can't do that, I can leave."

Ryo was sorely tempted to just throw him out, but he remembered what Dee had said about leaving…and this being the last time. He forced himself to take slow, deep, breaths. When he thought he could talk without inventing new swear words, he sat back down, still not looking at Dee. "What do you need to talk about, then?"

Dee took a moment, formulating his words. He'd sucked all the life from his cigarette and it went out on it's own. He shoved the remains of the filter into his pocket, not having anywhere else to put it. "I can't wait any longer, Ryo. I like JJ…I really like him and I won't make him wait the way that I've had to. I think that I might have a real chance there…and I can't waste any more time waiting for something I may never get."

Ryo's voice was short, curt. "Just like that, huh? One minute you're mister bachelor and the next you're demanding to settle down – with one person or another."

Dee let the insult slide; he had more important things to worry about. "No…it's not 'just like that'. Do you know how hard this is for me? I've held on to you for so long that I feel like if I let you go, you'll take most of me with you. Do you even know how terrifying that is?" Tears fell unbidden now, making Dee's eyes glint in the wan light. He wiped at them absently and continued.

"I'm not 'mister bachelor' as you put it. I've been alone for a really long time and I don't want to do it anymore, Ryo. I'm damn near thirty and I don't have anyone to come home to. I don't have anyone to wake up with every morning. I have an empty, cold apartment and a life that resembles Hell just a little too closely. I don't want to be damn near forty and feel the same way. I might as well be dead." 

He waited for Ryo to say something…anything…and nothing came. He'd resigned himself to just sitting and looking at the floor, unable to meet the other man's eyes when finally Ryo's soft voice floated over to him so faintly he could barely hear him. 

"Do you love him?"

Dee thought on it a moment. He thought of many different things to say, but in the end he went with the truth. "I don't know…maybe."

He quickly amended. "I know that I'm not *in* love with him…" He didn't finish, but hoped Ryo would hear the implication anyways. 

Ryo began rambling. He had so many questions, and doubted even Dee knew the answers himself. "Why now? Why so sudden? How did all this happen? You knew how JJ felt before…why did it never matter then?"

Dee shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know…it just…happened. I'd like to tell you that if I had known it would end up this way I would have avoided it…but I can't. I don't know that I would. JJ's very…honest. He brings out a side of me that I'd almost forgotten existed. He…he *loves* me, Ryo. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be loved, touched. I'd convinced myself that I could live without it, but I *can't* and I don't want to."

Dee's words evoked a sadness in Ryo. It wasn't just the grief at having Dee's affections turned away from him, to some degree, but more…a sorrow born from looking into Dee's eyes as he spoke. Ryo had experienced loss at an early age, true, but he'd always had a loving home and he realized that for the last two years he'd been surrounded by love as well…Dee's love…and he'd been so careless with it. 

"So what are you doing here then? Why even bother explaining all this? You know you don't owe me anything."

Dee looked hurt at the words. He let his hands grip his hair again, sniffling occasionally. "Because I've invested so much in this…in you. Because you hold a part of me that I can't give to anyone else until you give it back. Because I love you."

Ryo felt his own eyes tear. When he reached up to wipe them away he noticed a previous wetness, though he hadn't remembered crying before then. It hardly mattered. He wanted to grip Dee by his shirt; he wanted to smooth back his hair and kiss his face. He wanted to tell him that he was sorry, that he understood now what he hadn't before. 

He wanted to…but he didn't. 

The fact that Ryo had to leave was still staring him in the face. Nine months was a long time and although Dee said he was willing to wait Ryo couldn't find himself able to open his mouth and tell his former partner to do so. He looked like an archangel, Ryo decided, strong and ethereal even though his wings were broken. 

He loathed JJ at that moment, more so than before. But he found himself unable to blame the man for loving Dee, and actually thought him a bit insightful, having seen it so much sooner than Ryo himself did. Ryo sat silently for a long, long moment, thinking hard. 

He had to leave…there was no getting around that. He thought about Dee and JJ, and new batch of tears met his eyes. He could see them together easily, laughing, carefree and easy in a way that Ryo simply couldn't be, just yet. He was sure Dee could easily wait nine months for him; he even had no doubts about the man's fidelity while he would be gone. However, he was uncertain that he could *ever* give him what JJ gave him. Ryo didn't think he would ever be as comfortable with what he was JJ had managed to be. And, as Dee had mentioned earlier…JJ loved him…and Ryo knew it to be true. JJ did love Dee…deeply. 

Ryo studied Dee for a moment. He looked so beautiful, his tears slipping out silently. Ryo realized, vaguely, that he had never seen Dee cry before that moment. He thought that he might go blind – as though the sight was something not meant for human eyes and now he'd been privy to some secret of the universe that he wasn't supposed to know. He decided that he didn't want Dee to look like that ever again. He decided that Dee deserved more than he'd received for the last miserable two years of his life. 

Dee deserved to be loved. 

It was in that moment that Ryo realized that he did love Dee. He wasn't sure when it happened…but there it was, staring him in the face and poking at his insides so hard he thought he might be sick. He swallowed, hard, and looked again at the only person he'd ever loved enough to let go. 

"Dee" he broke the silence. 

Dee looked up, sniffing once and pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "Yeah?"

"What I wanted to talk to you about tonight…I wanted to tell you…that I'm not ready. I…I don't know that I ever will be."

Dee's lip quivered uncontrollably for a second before he completely broke down. He brought a hand up to cover his eyes, not wanting to let Ryo see him cry so openly. "A…are you…s…s...sure?"

Ryo found himself shaking with sobs as well, but he fought hard to keep his voice under control. "Yes…I'm…I'm sure." 

Dee was bent over in his seat, almost hugging his knees. "I just…I…god damnit…" The rest of what he said became incoherent as the lump in his throat overtook his vocal cords. 

Ryo turned away, biting his lip so hard it bled. He wanted so badly to just take it all back, to wrap Dee in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But everything was *not* going to be okay…and how could he possibly take back the last two years?

Ryo kept his eyes averted, and his nails dug into his palms so hard he just *knew* he was bleeding. He knew if he looked at Dee he would crumble. 

"I guess you had better leave now." 

Dee nodded, his hand still covering his eyes. It took him several moments, but eventually he wiped furiously at his eyes, sniffling all the while. He stood and walked over to where Ryo was standing, looking the other man in the eye. "I…" he started, but didn't finish. Instead he pulled him close, eliminating all space between them. 

The kiss was unlike any that had come before it. Lips and teeth and tongue met as they always had, but this had something…some force behind it that Ryo had never experienced before. Perhaps it was desperation; perhaps it was simply that Dee knew he had nothing to lose anymore. Ryo reached his hand up, eager to bury it into the silken ebony locks he knew so well…and pushed Dee away. The feeling in that kiss had been too much for him – he knew that if he let his hand give in, the rest of him would soon follow. 

He knew he would surrender completely to the brutal emotions that threatened his sanity…and where would they be then? Ryo would still be gone in two days, and Dee would still be without the contact he so desperately craved. Ryo wished that there was something he could say to make up for the two years – something he could do to make himself miraculously capable of giving Dee the kind of open and honest love he deserved. He wished…and wished…and nothing came.

In spite of his retreat from their kiss, he let his fingers linger on the other man's arm, needing the contact for just a little bit longer. Finally, he smiled sadly and pulled away completely. 

"Goodnight, Dee."

Dee's mouth remained open, his jaw locked and his face contorted in grief and bewilderment. After a while his expression changed – it looked more like the face he wore when dealing with Rose – resigned and defiant both at the same time. Dee grabbed his jacket and blazer, slinging them over his arm and opening the door. Before he could leave he had to ask…one more time. He turned slightly, his back still to Ryo. 

"I won't be back. If I tell him I'm staying, I'll stay. This…" His voice gave out and he battled to get it under his command once again "…this is it, you know."

Ryo couldn't answer. He looked down, waiting for Dee to leave and when he finally did Ryo waited still. He waited for Dee's footsteps to make it down the hall. He waited by the window until he saw the other man's form out on the street. He waited until he drove away. 

After what felt like centuries, but had only been years of waiting…Ryo heard a wail leave him. It sounded far away, as though it had come from someone else, someone he didn't know. Perhaps he *didn't* know this person. He hadn't known, for example, that he was capable of such pain, such fear…such love. If he had known just a little bit better he wouldn't have been sitting, crumpled on the floor, wanting to tear his own heart out just to make it stop hurting *so* much. How could he even begin to claim to know himself…he didn't know *anything*.

************************************************************

TBC

Oh dear. I've written some pretty fucked up stuff…and this *points up* was the *first* thing that I have written to make me cry. I'm bawling like a baby…this is *so* not cool. That's what I get for writing a chapter to Ani DiFranco's The Reckoning. 

Please don't kill me…I know many of you want to. But trust me…I've taken good care of you so far, right?

Anyways….this is important. 

THIS IS NOT OVER! 

Far from, actually. Let me repeat…*not* over. Not over. Not over.

Got it? Okay…good. Keep reading…please please keep reading. There is so much to come. The next chapter will be soon, I promise. I've been on a roll lately. Started this hours ago, but got it done in one sitting. 

This one was way longer than I had imagined it would be. 

Oh, btw…if anyone even cares. The song I had in mind for when Dee is driving is "School Night" by Ani DiFranco. I hadn't intended to do that, but listening to it today I realized how perfect it was. 

Please read and review.

Love and Kisses, 

Reika

P.S. IT'S NOT OVER!


	14. Solutions

Disclaimer: Although I would *love* to own these boys (so that I could make them cry, obviously), I don't.

A/N: Sorry to make so many of you so sad with the last chapter. I seem to have an affinity for making people cry…must be the sadist in me. But yeah…I didn't think I would cry either. I've never cried over anything that I've written, even the stuff everyone else seemed to cry over…I just thought it was an author thing. But no…the last chapter made me cry like the little bitch that I am. Just a few notes before we begin the next chapter.   
  
I received a review stating one particular reader's desire for JJ's happy ending. Now, as pleased as I am to hear from a JJ enthusiast…as there are so few…I wanted to make it clear that I am no more inclined to give JJ a happy ending than I am Ryo – for the wrong reasons. I won't give Ryo a happy ending simply because 'he belongs with Dee and that's just the way things should be.' However, I also won't give JJ a happy one just because he never gets one any other time. I do thank you for the review, though, and I couldn't agree more that anyone who wants the saccharine laced traditional Dee/Ryo ending can find it almost anywhere else. I've tried to do something different here, and my integrity won't let me throw in a misplaced sweet ending, with Ryo *or* JJ.   
  
THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT REVIEWS! You guys really are amazing, and you're the driving force behind this fic – it's what gives me the push to get it all written when the lazy bug threatens to bite. So keep reading, and I will keep writing. We're near the home stretch now, with only aprox. 5 more chapters to go (including this one)…and there is still much to be discovered.   
  
Has the pairing been revealed, you ask? Not on your life. 

Chapter 12……….The Solutions. Solution #1: How We Deal  
***************************************************   
  
Under normal circumstances, Dee would've sped out of the parking lot – he was infamous for his lead foot. Tonight, however, drained of all his energy and feeling as though he'd been hit by a truck…twice…he found himself driving well beneath the designated speed limit.   
  
He kept the radio off, the cacophony in his brain providing more than enough noise. Part of him wasn't surprised. In the two years he'd been chasing after Ryo he had always reserved a place in his mind for cynicism. It was his protection – the part of him that refused to get his hopes up.   
  
Regardless of whatever protection he might have had, another, larger, part of Dee felt so miserable that breathing was an effort too great to undertake. He'd known that things might have turned out this way before he even made the decision to go over to Ryo's…but somewhere…some part of him thought that maybe…maybe…   
  
Dee growled, wiping at the last of tears to fall from his traitorous eyes. He didn't cry often, and the weak feeling it gave him was unwelcome. He roughly shoved a cigarette into his mouth and lit it, letting the smoke nestle into his lungs – poisonous and seductive – before expelling it and repeating the process all over again.   
  
The situation was what it was, and Dee refused to wallow in his grief. He'd done that for far too long…and now it was over. He figured that if he told himself that enough times he might convince his stubborn brain…or heart…or whichever organ it was that currently felt like it had been run through.   
  
He didn't want to go home. That irritating and barren dwelling wasn't his home in any case. A home was supposed to feel warm…like sunshine on your face or warm blankets on a cold morning. Dee didn't *have* a home…he never really had.   
  
He turned the corner heading for JJ's without much preamble. He didn't know what he was going to say to the sniper, but knew he couldn't be alone just then. Hopefully JJ would understand and refrain from pushing him too far, too fast. Hopefully JJ would give him what he needed…a place to call home.   
  
****************************************   
  
Ryo finally pulled himself off of the floor. He'd planned it out in his head – he was going to take steady, sure steps into his bedroom, remove his clothes, take a shower and just go to *sleep*.   
  
He'd only gotten a few of the steps in before an emotion surged up inside him, causing him to swagger. It felt like an extreme sadness laced with little perilous threads of jealousy, disappointment, self-loathing and rage. He stopped dead in the middle of the living room, unable to continue on towards his bedroom. He leaned a hand out to steady himself on the end table by the couch, catching his breath before a new round of sobs took over his body.   
  


Ryo was a strong man. He had a nice, sculpted physique but his lissome form belied the true strength he possessed. He nearly matched Dee in sheer power, despite the other man's obvious physical advantage. There were few times that anyone might witness Ryo's strength, as it took quite a lot to provoke him.   
  
He thought for a moment; he remembered Dee's face as he left and the slump in the man's usually proud shoulders as he'd walked out to his car. He wondered where he was, what he was doing. It occurred to him then that Dee was probably with JJ – right where he himself had sent him.   
  
Ryo didn't think anymore. He watched his hand move as though it belonged to someone else, feeling numb…like he had left his body behind somewhere in search of a less painful corporeal form. Nevertheless, it *was* his arm that shot out at a lightning speed, sweeping across the end table and sending everything residing there crashing to the floor. The antique vase flew all the way into the opposite wall before shattering and hitting the floor in significantly more pieces than before. This other self, the one that reacted so forcefully when the kinder, gentler Ryo could no longer take keeping *everything* in, only made himself known once in a very, very long while. And he wasn't content with just sweeping the surface clean. He grabbed for the table itself next, flipping it over and giving it a swift kick into the wall before leaving it lying there. Had it been a living creature it might have been a grand death scene, and Ryo could have wrapped it into his arms, professing how very sorry he was and how he didn't want to be left alone. 

As it was…it was still just a table…

…and Ryo was still very much alone.

***************************************************

JJ sat on his bed, loosely holding the remote in his trembling hand. He had moved his television into the bedroom earlier in the day after leaving work, as Dee had suggested. If he had to lie around in bed, he needed something to distract him. Otherwise he would have been making himself worse, stressing over Dee's visit with Ryo. The thought still plagued him, and nothing on TV seemed to hold his interest. He couldn't stop his hands from shaking. The anxiety was eating at him and he cursed himself for getting sick, as it prevented him from getting out and doing something productive to bide his time. 

His hands never shook. He was a sharp shooter and a steady hand was necessary for him to do his job. But when it came to Dee Laytner – it seemed that *none* of his body parts did what he told them to. His fever was gone, thanks to the miracle that is Tylenol, but he still felt horrible. Both his body and his mind felt like they had been slammed into a washing machine on spin cycle. 

He heard a knock on the door and immediately jolted up into a sitting position. Knowing it was Dee he threw the covers off and hit the power button on the remote. He all but flew into the living room, ready to see the man's face again when a thought struck him. 

There were only three things Dee could have come to say…and two of them weren't good. He could tell him that they were still in limbo, frustrating, damnable limbo. He could tell him that it was over with Ryo…but JJ didn't think he was dead, and thus, doubted he'd gone to heaven. Or he could have come to tell him goodbye. If Ryo finally gave in, he doubted the half-Japanese man would be very approving of their 'friendship'. 

He couldn't will his legs to move, the fear creeping up the back of his neck and choking him. He debated not answering it – just pretending to be asleep. Then in the morning he could pack his things and move to Zimbabwe. He got angry at the thought – he'd never fancied himself a coward, and he'd have to face the music eventually. 

Steeling his resolve, he marched determinedly to the door, unlocking it and swinging it open while keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Silence met him for longer than he was comfortable with before Dee's voice floated down to him. 

"Can I come in?"

Something in Dee's voice caused JJ's head to snap up. He ignored the thump of pain it caused his stuffed up head. Dee sounded…broken. He took one look at his normally handsome face and saw the sadness etched into every pore. His eyes were tired and swollen – he looked so very human. JJ's mind raced through the thought that his expression no doubt meant that things had not gone well with Ryo. He realized that such despondency also confirmed how very much his would be lover cared for the man that had obviously stabbed him in the heart. 

He lurched forward, body yet again overriding mind, and wrapped his arms around Dee's neck. When he felt Dee's strong arms wrap around him and squeeze tightly he knew that he hadn't embraced him because he was relieved that Ryo had broken his heart, sending him back to him – he knew it was because Dee needed it, and JJ would give it to him, no matter what the reason. Dee sighed deeply and buried his head in the crook of the smaller man's neck. 

They stayed like that for quite some time. 

*****************************************************

Ryo managed to pull himself together. He surveyed the damage to his apartment and immediately felt annoyed for letting his emotions run rampant in such a primitive way. He knew he needed to clean the mess up, and staring at it only reminded him that he'd lost control. But Ryo couldn't bring himself to do it. He looked at the clock – he still had a fair amount of time before Bikky would be back. He dragged himself to his bathroom to take a long, hot bath. 

The water was scalding but Ryo forced himself to lay down into the tub. His skin grew used to the heat quickly and he laid back, closing his eyes and breathing in the steam that rose up off the water. The warmth eased the ache in his muscles but did nothing for the pain he felt in his…heart?....mind? He wondered why they called it 'heartache' – the heart was just a muscle, after all. It was responsible for many different important things – blood flow, for example – but love was not on its impressive resumé of responsibilities. The mind seemed more appropriate – the organ in charge of human thought. Emotion came from the mind as well, so it seemed fitting that love would be born there. 'Mindache' just didn't have the same ring to it, though. 

Ryo thought that such analytical musings debased what he was feeling. Maybe love was something that didn't come from any organ…maybe it came from the soul. The soul, like love was intangible and their actual existence was debatable. 

Maybe they both belonged somewhere between reality and idealism with another idea – untouchable yet undeniable as well – faith. 

Wherever it came from, whatever it was – heart, mind, soul – it was broken.

How do you mend something you can't even touch?

**************************************************

"Come inside" JJ whispered finally. 

He felt Dee nod against him and slowly pull away. They entered the apartment and Dee took off his coat, tossing it over a chair. JJ watched him quietly for a moment before turning to head towards his bedroom. 

"I was just lying around. Let me get a blanket and we'll talk."

"No" Dee called "You need your rest, being sick and all…I'll just come in there. If that's okay."

JJ smiled and nodded, signaling for Dee to follow him. He crawled back under the covers, pleased at the warmth. He pushed himself up so that he could lean against the headboard and watched Dee sit down near the foot of the bed, facing him. 

"I'm sorry for bothering you when you're sick…I just…didn't want to go home."

JJ sighed. "Stop doing that. You should know by now that you're never bothering me." He wanted to ask what happened, but didn't want to upset the other man. He figured Dee would tell him when he was ready. 

Apparently Dee was ready. "I did it…I gave him an ultimatum."

"And?" JJ thought he knew the answer, but confirmation didn't hurt. 

"And he told me he wasn't ready."

JJ let out a puff of air and moved his foot to rub against the side of Dee's leg through the covers. "I'm sorry…you know…if you need more time…if you think things'll change with more time…"

Dee shook his head. "It's been too long already, JJ. If he's not ready now, he never will be. You can't give a person a deadline to love you – they either do or they don't. I just wish I'd realized that sooner…"

JJ found himself hating Ryo even more than before for putting Dee in such a state. It wasn't like the man hadn't known how Dee felt about him – if he was going to turn him down he should have done it years ago. He straightened a little and held his arms out.

"Come here."

Normally Dee would have made a smart remark about such a motherly gesture. This night, however, the arms looked more than inviting and Dee needed the contact. He crawled to the head of the bed and leaned into JJ, remaining on top of the blankets. 

JJ just held him there, Dee's head tucked beneath his own. Dee didn't cry, but his breaths were slow and ragged, as though he were fighting tears. Eventually he slipped down, resting his head on JJ's lap and toying with the edge of one of the blankets. JJ reached a hand down to run it through his silky black hair, letting his nails scrape against his scalp. 

Dee closed his eyes at the comforting feeling. It felt good…to be stroked, touched. They were silent for a long time, JJ content to pet his sempai and Dee just enjoying the feeling of being close to another person. Keeping his eyes closed, Dee brought something up he hadn't planned on mentioning. 

"He asked me if I love you."

JJ's hand stilled its movement and Dee felt him tense. His voice was a whisper. "What…what did you tell him?"

"The truth" Dee quietly replied, opening his eyes. "That I don't know…that I might."

JJ tried to absorb the information. A part of him felt a small pang of disappointment, while another part of him felt something that went beyond happiness. He had never imagined that he would be there, with Dee in his lap surrounded by the warm comfort of domesticity. Before Ryo came along he'd thought that he might have been able to get Dee into his bed if given the time and had been content to take whatever he could get. But this, whatever it was that they'd developed, was more than he had ever hoped for and JJ figured that the possibility that Dee *could* love him, if he didn't already, was enough. His hand resumed its stroking and Dee relaxed again. 

"Listen" JJ said "I'm sorry if I messed things up for you. Well…I'm not sorry, really, because I can't bring myself to be sorry for doing anything that brings you nearer to me. I know that's pretty selfish…but…I do apologize if this has caused you any pain. I would never hurt you…ever."

Dee reached his hand up, placing it atop JJ's and stopping its movement. He flipped over, so that his head still rested on JJ's lap, but now he was facing the sniper. 

"Please don't ever be sorry. No matter how things had turned out, you gave me something no one else has ever been able to – faith in myself. You've reminded me of all the things that make me *me* and I'd almost lost all that. You convinced me that I am worth something and I can't imagine where my life would have gone if you hadn't done all those things. Thank you…and if anything…*I'm* sorry I didn't give you a chance sooner."

JJ's smile lit up his whole face and his hand began raking through Dee's hair once more. No more words passed between them, and this time the silence was a tranquil one. 

********************************************************

The soft robe slipped from Ryo's shoulders and he quickly grabbed for his pajamas, his skin extra sensitive to the cold after such a hot bath. He needed to go out and clean the living room, but needed to get something things off his chest first. 

After he finished dressing he crawled onto his bed, propped against the headboard. He reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out the writing tablet he kept there, along with a pen. He had kept a journal many years earlier and had always found it to be a good outlet for his feelings. This time though, he wrote in the form of a letter. 

His fingers wrote furiously, the thoughts coming too fast for his hand to keep up. The handwriting was sloppier than usual, but still legible. Ryo's usual script was meticulously neat and this looked more like the scrawl most males seemed to have. When he was done, he leaned his head back, reading over all that he had written. 

_Dee__, _

_I'm not sure, exactly, why I'm writing this, as you'll never read it. I suppose I just need to get some things off my chest. You were here earlier. I can't decide what hurts more…the pain of watching you leave for the last time or the knowledge that I hurt you so badly. I want you to know that I didn't mean it. _

_I asked you here to tell you that I figured everything out. I figured out that I want you…that I love you. But you told me about JJ and I believed you when you said you thought that you and he might have a chance. Although I can say now with conviction that I do love you and that I want you by my side I can't tell you that I can give you what he can. I can't tell you that I'll ever be as comfortable with what I am as he is. I can't promise you unending devotion in the face of fear and societal rejection. I can promise to love you…but I can't promise to do without the safety of closed doors. JJ can give you that…and you deserve it. _

_I might have been able to work on that. I might have been able to improve, given time…but…I have to leave soon. Rose set it up for me to go upstate for nine months to teach a sharp shooting class. He didn't give me any choice and Bikky and I are supposed to leave in two days. Nine months is a long time, __Dee__. I know that, if I had told you, you would have demanded to wait for me. I can't let you do that. You're right – you do have a chance for happiness now, and after already making you wait for so long, I won't do that again. _

_JJ loves you…probably more than I do. The ache in my heart tells me that might be impossible but, I think, that if anyone can give you complete, unconditional love without me here to hinder you, it would be him. _

_Hopefully by the time I get back you'll be happy. I know you will be. I'm not sure how I'll deal with seeing you two together…but I can worry about that when the time comes. No matter what, I want you to know that you've taught me a great deal. You've taught me that I can't pretend to be happy if I deny what I am. You've taught me that there are more important things than being a likeable guy, or a good cop. You've taught me that life is more like waiting for death if you spend it worrying. I'll never regret knowing you…if only for the lessons I've learned. _

_I know I give you a hard time. I know I nag you a lot – it's a habit I've always had and it's a hard one to break. But I want you to know that I don't want you to ever change. You are the single strongest person I have ever known and I often privately marvel at the defiance that is so ingrained in you. I could never be that strong. I realize now…that many times you were my strength when I needed it. Maybe this will be good for me; maybe I'll find my own strength and you can be strong for someone else who needs it. _

_You won't know that I'm leaving until I'm gone…I think it's best that way. I'm sorry for making you wait so long, for making you suffer. If I could take it back I would. But I'm not sorry for having known you. Those two years will always be precious to me, no matter where my life takes me. I do love you, and I think I always have. I know I always will. _

_Ryo_

He sighed as a new batch of tears slipped down his cheek, falling onto the paper and blurring the ink in spots. In spite of the fact that he was getting emotional again, he did feel better. He was about to put the letter away and clean the living room when the phone rang. 

He hurried out to it, absently carrying the letter with him. He set it down and picked up the phone. 

"Hello?"

"Carol…calm down…what?!? Okay, okay…I'll be right there."

Ryo raced into his bedroom, slinging off his pajamas and throwing on the first clothes he could find. He flew into the living room, getting ready to leave, and the letter caught his eye. Although he had more important things to worry about he didn't want to leave it lying around so he folded it hurriedly and tucked it into his back pocket before running out the door. 

***************************************************************

JJ looked down and smiled at Dee's sleeping face. Although Dee had fallen asleep some time ago he continued to pet him, wanting to keep him calm and comfortable, even in his dreams. 

He had no doubts that it would take Dee some time to get over Ryo. He knew that he loved the other man deeply, and although it irked him a great deal to admit it, it was one of the things he himself loved so much about the man laying in his lap. Dee's love was intense and loyal; once he gave his heart away he did so completely and with abandon. JJ could only hope that one day he would achieve the same place in his sempai's heart. He thought the chances were good – Dee certainly cared for him and JJ harbored no doubt that he could give Dee anything he needed. Yes…Dee could love him that way…he knew it. It would just take time…and now they had all the time in the world. 

He felt himself nodding off when a beeping made him snap back to reality. Dee's pager was going off and he quickly grabbed at it, pulling it off the other man's belt. He didn't want it to wake Dee after it had taken so long to get him to sleep. The man was exhausted and needed the rest. 

The number was unfamiliar but it was marked as urgent. JJ debated for a moment before deciding that he had better wake Dee up. Whatever it was, it was obviously important. 

*******************************************************

TBC

Okay…I know many things might seem obvious from this point…they're not. At least I hope. Just let me tell you that wherever you think the story is headed, it most likely is not. 

I know this chapter wasn't as heavy as the recent ones, but it was necessary. The next chapter will be up soon and it's a *whopper*, let me tell you. Lots and Lots of new stuff next chapter. So read it…pretty please. 

Thank you again for all the fabulous reviews. I love you guys. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	15. Solution 2

Disclaimer: As much as I would like to own Fake…I don't.

A/N: Okie dokie…. Yeah…I'm on a mad crazy roll, huh? This is the fourth chapter in a week…it must be something in the water. Anyways…the important notes are at the bottom. There is a response to one review. I've had to break tradition and answer it by name. I hate doing that, but this one needed to be answered.

Konnie-chan: I apologize if my author's note offended you. Sometimes the things I say come out harsher than I mean them to. I didn't mean that it would never work to have Tatsumi with Watari (or JJ with Drake), I simply meant that *most* of the fics I have come across slap them together for no other reason than to placate the author's desire to not leave anyone out. I didn't say that there aren't any fics out there where they have good, solid reasons to be together; I said that I have yet to see any (T/W). That doesn't say much, as I don't usually read them. As far as JJ kissing Drake in the manga, you're absolutely right. I just meant that I wouldn't put Drake into the mix for no other reason than to make sure everyone ended up with someone else. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to. 

Oh…one more thing…It's a good thing I've still got this writing bug after all the crap that's happened lately. After being sick for a month, I decided it was time I got out and had some fun…NO. I didn't drink any more than I usually do (actually, I had *less* than I usually do), but lets just say that Fioricet and alcohol don't mix. Never, ever, under any circumstances mix them….*shudders at the memory*. I'd been taking the Fioricet for my sinus infection and left out my last dose because I knew that I would be drinking…but apparently it was still in my bloodstream. I ended up in the hospital last night, and according to my best friend who was there with me I was quite the nihilistic bitch to everyone, including her. They pumped me full of fluid and drugs, so I don't even remember the last bit, or leaving the hospital. I'm supposed to be in bed right now…but I can't rest knowing that I have more chapters to write. I'm just as excited about this story as you guys are. So here I am. I still feel like shit, but I think I'll live. BTW: please…I don't need any lectures about mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. I'm not stupid…okay…maybe I am…but trust me, I already know. 

Chapter 13………..Solution #2: Who We Want To Be

**********************************************

Dee walked through the washed out fluorescent halls of the hospital, with JJ only a few steps behind him. After calling the number on his pager back they'd hastily piled in the car and headed to meet Ryo. A part of Dee didn't want to go, not looking forward to seeing Ryo so soon after their 'breakup'. He loved the man, there was no way around it, and it hurt to think of him, let alone see him. But Ryo needed him, and so he'd come. 

JJ was reluctant as well; irritated that Ryo could snap his fingers and Dee would come running to him. His more rational side, though, knew that such things would have to be overlooked for a time. They were in a hospital, after all, so something had to be wrong. Dee had asked him to come with him, instead of opting to go alone, so that had to be a good sign. 

Soon enough, they found the waiting room where Ryo sat next to Carol, wringing his hands. He looked up when they entered and his face faltered slightly when he noticed JJ's presence. Carol excused herself quietly, telling Ryo that she was going to check with the nurse one more time and then try to get something to drink. Dee walked over to Ryo, kneeling down in front of him and placing his hands on his shoulders. 

"What's wrong with Bikky? I could barely understand you on the phone."

"I don't know. Cal called me; she said he just collapsed. He was leaving her house…he was upset. She said he turned around to say goodbye and just passed out."

Dee looked puzzled for a moment. "They haven't told you what's wrong with him?"

Ryo shook his head. "No…I haven't been here long…but I still don't know anything. I'm sorry I bothered you." He paused, casting a sidelong glance at JJ. "I know you probably don't want to see me right now…I just didn't have anyone else to call. I needed…" 

Ryo didn't finish and Dee's face softened. He looked at his former partner for a long moment, debating on what to do. JJ sat several chairs away, watching the two of them. He looked on sadly, noticing how Dee's care for Ryo rolled off of him in waves, almost filling the quiet room. Dee opened his mouth to say something, but didn't get the chance because the doctor came in, taking everyone's attention. 

"Mr. McLean?"

Ryo stood and nodded; Dee and JJ stood as well. Carol came back into the room and took a seat, listening. 

The doctor smiled. He was an older man, in his mid to late fifties. He had glasses that balanced on the bridge of his nose and enhanced his overall look. He had obviously been an attractive man when he was younger, but looked worn from years of working in the business of human lives. 

"Your son is fine – he's just a bit run down. He collapsed due to exhaustion. Has he been under a lot of stress recently?"

Ryo thought back. He'd only told Bikky about the move earlier that day and didn't think it could have stressed him out enough to cause him to collapse. But Bikky had been doing a lot of worrying over him lately, even if he would never admit to it; he also had been having some trouble at school. Ryo felt awful…telling Bikky that they were going to move so soon must've pushed him over the edge. 

"Yes…I guess he has been."

The doctor began writing on a slip of paper attached to his clipboard. "Well…he'll be fine. He just needs a few days bed rest and someone to look after him. He's quite a feisty one, he threatened to slap one of my nurses when he heard mention of any needles. He's a little dehydrated, so we're going to keep him another hour or so. He's hooked up to an IV now and we've given him something to calm him down. You can see him anytime you like, though he's most likely asleep by now."

The three other men listened intently, all of them relieved that nothing was seriously wrong. Ryo pushed his hair out of his face and offered the doctor a weak smile. "Thank you, doctor."

The older man smiled again and held out the slip of paper for Ryo to take. "This is a prescription for Xanax. Only give him half of one at the most, as needed. It'll keep him calm and help him rest."

Ryo took it and reached into his back pocket to put the paper in his wallet. He thanked the doctor one more time before turning to Dee. 

JJ looked down, unable to deal with seeing the two together. He told himself not to worry, that Dee was his now, and that Ryo needed him at the moment. He reminded himself that Dee's comforting presence and his willingness to give everything he had to someone when they needed it was something that he loved about him. He let his eyes roam over the floor and he noticed a folded piece of paper lying near Ryo's feet. He almost called Ryo's attention to it, but stopped himself. He wasn't sure why, exactly, he was so curious, but something told him not to let Ryo know he'd dropped it. He heard his name and snapped his head up, looking at Dee. 

"JJ"

"Yeah?" He moved closer to them and dropped his scarf over the note, before bending down and picking them both up. 

"Could you go get some coffee for all of us? I think we could use it, hell…I'm still half asleep."

JJ hesitated, shifting his eyes from Dee to Ryo and back again. Dee noticed it and crossed to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and tentatively kissing the top of his head. JJ knew how hard it had to have been for him to do such a thing in front of Ryo. Dee smiled at him, although it was weak, and it told JJ that everything would be okay. He nodded and left them alone, headed for the cafeteria. 

He got to it without much trouble, and headed for the coffee. It was then that he remembered the paper he'd picked up. His curiosity got the better of him, and he moved to the dining area, taking the paper out and unfolding it. His eyes ran over the words, each paragraph making him more and more nauseated. He could hardly read the last of it through the blur in his eyes. When a tear finally slipped down his cheek he watched it hit the ink, washing it out a bit. He noticed the other spots, now dry, that matched the one he had just caused. 

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, stunned and motionless. A feeling akin to terror crept up in him and he found it nearly impossible to swallow. He realized that he'd been gone for a long time, and with his new knowledge of how Ryo really felt about Dee he didn't like the idea of leaving them alone anymore. A plethora of thoughts whirled about in his head. He wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to do with this new information and the thought of losing Dee so quickly after he had gotten him made him so sick he thought he might die. He told himself not to worry about it – everything happens for a reason and Ryo would be leaving soon. He grabbed some coffee and hurried back towards the waiting room. 

When he made it back, Dee had Ryo in a loose hug while he rambled on. The half-Asian man kept taking short gasps of air and his hands hung loosely at his side. Every few seconds Dee would reach a hand up and soothingly rub his arm, comforting him. JJ stood still for a moment, just listening. 

"I dragged him into my life, Dee. He's just a kid; he shouldn't have to deal with my problems too. I knew he was worried about me, but I didn't…and god, what he must be going through now…after…listen, Dee…there's something I need to tell you. Wednesday…I…"

JJ jumped in, having made a decision. "I brought the coffee."

Ryo snapped his head towards the sniper. Dee nodded and pulled away slowly, taking the hot beverage and handing one to Ryo. The three of them waited silently, drinking their coffee until finally a nurse came out with Bikky. The young man looked tired and irritable. Dee immediately walked over to him, ruffling his hair. 

"I should kick your ass, you little hooligan. Worrying us all like that, damn. Next time you decide to go pass out, do it the gutter where nobody has to worry about you, okay?"

Bikky slapped the hand away from him. "Thanks so much for your concern, dumbass." The words were harsh, but both he and Dee knew the underlying care that neither of them were very proficient at professing. 

Bikky looked at JJ disapprovingly before turning his attention to Ryo. "So you think they'll let you slide now that you've got a sick kid?"

Ryo's eyes got wide and he rushed over to his foster soon, shooting him a look that clearly said 'be quiet'. Bikky looked nonplussed for a moment, but gave up and slumped back into his wheelchair. He shot JJ another look. "What's he doing here, anyway?"

"Bikky!" Ryo started, and then calmed his voice, turning to Dee, JJ and Carol. "I think we should all head home now, okay?"

Everyone agreed and they made their way out of the hospital. Ryo took Carol home with him, as she wanted to look after Bikky, and Dee decided to just go home, himself. All five of them piled into Dee's car, since Ryo had taken a taxi to get there. The ride was tense and most of it was done in silence. He dropped off Ryo first, and when he got out of the car he looked sadly at Dee before thanking him again and heading inside. 

*************************************************************

When Ryo entered the apartment he'd forgotten about the mess in the living room. Bikky saw it first and whipped around to Ryo, his eyes wide. 

"What the hell happened here? Did we get robbed or something?"

Ryo kept his voice calm, not wanting to upset Bikky any more. "No, Bikky. It's hard to explain, and it's nothing for you to worry about. You just go to bed; I'll get it cleaned up."

Bikky remained stubborn. "Don't tell me you did this?"

Ryo's flush gave Bikky the answer he was looking for. "You did! Jeez, Ryo…I've never seen you mad enough to break nothin'. What happened? Did Dee do something? Is it because of that creep he was with at the hospital? It was, I know it…I'll kick his ass!"

Ryo sighed, exasperated. "Bikky! For once, could you not worry about things that don't have anything to do with you?" He quickly realized his harsh tone and softened it, placing a hand on Bikky's shoulder. "Look…it's just…you have a lot to worry about, so you don't need to worry about me, okay? This is grown up stuff, and I know you *think* you're a grown up, but you're not. This is stuff you won't understand, so don't get so involved."

Bikky blew his bangs out of his face. "Yeah, whatever. I'll bet you didn't even tell him we're moving, did you?"

"No, I didn't, but that's none of your concern either. Go to bed now, you need rest. Cal, make sure he settles down, okay?"

Carol nodded before herding a swearing Bikky off towards his bedroom. Ryo looked at the broken furniture and shattered ceramics scattering his living room. With a deep sigh he bent down and began to pick up the pieces. 

*****************************************************

JJ didn't say much on the drive to his apartment; he sat rather stoically, looking out the window and watching his breath make little puff marks against the glass. When they finally arrived, he turned in his seat and reached his hand over to rest on Dee's arm. 

"Come up…please."

Dee sighed. "It's been a long day, and you're still sick. I think there's been enough stress on everyone for one night."

JJ gripped harder, pleading almost. "Please. I need…I need you to come up…please. I feel like shit and don't want to be by myself."

Dee relented and parked his car, stepping out with JJ and heading up to the other man's spacious apartment. Once inside, JJ crawled back into bed and Dee crawled in beside him, though he remained on top of the covers. Soon they were in the same position they had been – Dee's head in JJ's lap with JJ's fingers running through his hair. They were quiet – Dee was tired in every way imaginable and JJ had too many thoughts bouncing around in his head to hold a conversation. 

He looked down at Dee for what felt like a very long time and an impenetrable sadness gripped him. He loved his sempai so much and doubted even Dee knew the extent of his affections. The man who had changed, and later become his world looked so wonderful lying in his lap. It was a perfect moment and JJ thought that he could die right then and be a happy man. He had to keep reminding himself of what he had to do and why he had to do it. But before he could do anything…there was something he had to know. Maybe he *didn't* have to do it…maybe everything would be fine, just as it was. 

"Sempai?"

Dee chuckled a little. "You're never going to stop calling me that, are you?"

JJ tried to smile. "Probably not." 

There was a long silence before JJ spoke again. "I love you…you know."

Dee took a moment to answer. When he did his voice was calm and gentle. "Yeah…I know."

Dee let his eyes slip closed for a moment, but opened them when a drop of wetness hit his cheek. He reached up to wipe it away and turned so that he was facing JJ. He looked up and confirmed that JJ was crying. He looked melancholy, his expression one of sadness and resignation. Dee extended his hand up to cup his cheek, wiping at the tears with this thumb. 

"What's wrong?"

JJ took a deep breath, nuzzling into the hand that cupped his face. "Make love to me, Dee."

Dee went rigid, sitting up. "What?"

"You heard me." JJ whispered. 

Dee blinked, tripping over his words. "JJ…it's so soon…and…you're sick…and…I think…we…"

JJ lifted his gaze to Dee's. It was determined and defiant…beautiful. He placed both of his hands on Dee's cheeks, tenderly holding him there as a silence passed between them. He moved forward with an aching slowness, his eyes fluttering shut as he closed the space between them. It was slow, sweet and painful. After a moment Dee's eyes closed as well and he relaxed into the kiss. 

JJ moved his hands so that they wrapped around Dee's shoulders, his delicate fingers curling in the hair at the base of his neck. He felt small, pleasurable, tremors run through him as Dee's arms wrapped around his waist. One hand reached up into the other man's dark hair, wrapping it around his fingers like spun silk. All too soon, Dee pulled away. He sat quietly for a second, watching as JJ slipped a pink tongue out to run over his kiss swollen lips. 

"JJ, I – "

JJ silenced him with a finger to his lips. He smiled sadly and looked at Dee pleadingly. "Please."

Dee gave him no verbal affirmation, just simply pulled him close and kissed him softly, innocently. The kiss changed, growing deeper, and JJ let out a whimper as Dee lifted him slightly to lay him back against the mattress. He threw his head back, his pale neck bared to the chill of the air, as Dee's hands ran along his skin. They started at the waist of his pants, his calloused fingers scraping ever so slightly along the milky torso as he pushed the long sleeved shirt up. His mouth followed his hands, placing wet, open mouthed kisses along each new inch of exposed skin. 

When the shirt reached his neck, JJ lifted his arms to allow its dismissal. He immediately grabbed at the buttons on Dee's shirt, his nimble fingers having no trouble with them, despite his shaking. When he finished with the buttons, he pushed the shirt open, running his hands along Dee's tanned and muscled shoulders before sliding them down his arms. Dee pulled his wrists free, and carelessly tossed the shirt to the floor. 

JJ noted the difference in their skin tones, his pale complexion standing out against Dee's natural olive color. He sat up further and leaned forward so that he could pay proper homage to the sculpted chest now before him. Dee sat astride JJ's legs, his knees on either side of him. He heard himself groan when JJ's mouth made contact with his chest, kissing languidly before sucking in a tanned and erect nipple. His hand came up to grip the silver hair, holding him there. 

It had been a long time since Dee had known the touch of another man, or another person at all. But he supposed pleasure was like riding a bicycle, because his hands seemed to know exactly where to touch and stroke – which parts to just skim over and which to linger on. He leaned his head down, assaulting JJ's neck with his lips, teeth and tongue. JJ moaned and leaned back, offering him more.

His hands agilely unfastened Dee's belt, followed by the button of his pants and then his zipper. He slipped his fingers down into now open trousers, pushing them down and marveling at the strong muscles of Dee's legs as his hands roamed over them. Dee stood, shaking his pants away. He never wore anything underneath them, so he crawled back onto the bed now naked as the day he was born. 

JJ allowed himself to be pushed back, all tension leaving him as Dee cupped his hand, placing kisses to the inside of his palm. He pulled on the drawstring of JJ's pants, letting the strips of material run through his fingers. He gripped the sides, his fingers reaching in to grip his underwear as well, and pulled them both off in one long, smooth, motion. He took great care in removing them, holding each ankle gingerly before pulling the fabric away completely. 

When all clothing had been discarded, Dee let his hands rest on the sides of JJ's legs, bending his head down and inching forward. He ran his nose along the smooth skin, along the insides of JJ's knees and up along his thighs. His hands followed, moving upwards until they ran around to the small of his back. It had been so long for both of them that much foreplay was out of the question; they were both too needy. 

Dee let his nose run along JJ's belly, taking in his scent. It was slight, but it covered every milky inch of him. It was familiar, like a happy childhood memory, though Dee couldn't place where he had known it before. It was like sandalwood and honey laced with something undeniably male. It flooded his senses and overtook all logical thought, replacing it with a warm blanket of want and need. He let his tongue dart out into JJ's navel, causing the smaller man to gasp and rise up almost off the bed. Dee smiled into his skin and did it again, swirling his tongue around the orifice before moving in and out of it, groaning every time JJ's leg would brush against his erection in the other man's fit of arousal. 

He moved a little farther south, his teeth grazing over a pale hipbone, before JJ yanked him back up, panting. He claimed his lips again in a deep, bruising, kiss. When they broke for air, JJ took Dee's face into his hands again. 

"Now…please…"

Dee nodded almost imperceptibly, and JJ reached over to the bedside table, pulling out a small bottle. He handed it to Dee and opted to lay back with his eyes closed while the other man prepared him. It was a little painful, as he hadn't had a lover in a while, but JJ found the sting exquisite. He alternated between fisting the blankets, twisting them in his hands, and reaching up to grip the headboard, ignoring the small 'clank' it made every time he let go. 

After what seemed like forever, balanced unmercifully somewhere between torture and rapture, Dee raised up on his knees. He reached across the smaller man underneath him to flick the lamp off, casting the room in a semi-darkness. He lifted JJ's leg, lean and toned, to rest it on his shoulder before turning his head and placing a tiny kiss to his ankle. JJ forced himself to keep his eyes open; even in the dark he could make out Dee's features. The features he loved so much. The features he would miss so terribly. 

He cried out when Dee entered him, and Dee stroked his leg soothingly, stilling his movement until JJ had adjusted. After a short while, JJ nodded, and Dee began to move. It wasn't slow, nor hasty…more…deliberate. JJ didn't notice that tears fell brazenly down his face; he couldn't distinguish his sobs of anguish from those of pleasure. Soon, the thrusts picked up speed and Dee shot his arm out, bracing himself against the headboard. He loomed over JJ, bending him in half – their noses almost touching. JJ raked one hand down his back, leaving angry red claw marks, while the other found his lover's hand. He intertwined their fingers and held them there tightly before searching out Dee's lips for another kiss. 

Sweat and tears mingled together and made their skin salty; Dee could almost taste the need on his lover – he was sure he tasted of it, himself. He heard JJ tell him he loved him, and wasn't sure what his reply was – too lost on another plane of existence he hadn't known for far too long. Eventually the only sounds were those of incoherent almost-words and the protests of furniture not built for such strenuous activity. 

JJ squeezed his eyes shut and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, the world exploding all around him. He thrashed wildly and whimpered and mewled, sending Dee over the edge as well. He bent down, biting into JJ at the juncture between neck and shoulder; grunting with each last thrust, riding out his orgasm. 

When they were again able to breathe, Dee reached his hand down to wipe the tears from JJ's skin. "Did I do something wrong?"

JJ smiled and sniffled, leaning up to wrap his arms around his sempai. "No…never. Let's go to sleep."

Dee nodded, still a little confused. He was tired, though, and shimmied down into the blankets beside his new lover. With JJ's back to his chest he fell quickly into sleep, too tired to think. JJ, however, wasn't so lucky. He tried to control his sobs, not wanting the shaking of his form to wake Dee and when any sounds of bereavement left him he muffled them into the pillow. After what felt like hours he finally stopped crying, no tears left in him, and turned around to snuggle into Dee before falling into an uneasy sleep. 

********************************************

The next morning Dee woke slowly. He blinked several times before remembering where he was and how he'd gotten there. He had mixed feelings about it. Part of him refused to let go of the idea that what he'd done was wrong, that he'd betrayed Ryo even though the other man had made it clear that he didn't want him. Dee thought on it for a long time, and in the end decided that he hadn't been wrong…not in any way. Not only were things over with Ryo, but JJ loved him, and he was starting to love him back. What they'd shared had been special, meaningful…and a hell of a lot of fun. He smiled and realized that, although he might not ever get over Ryo, at least he was making progress. 

He looked at the empty spot beside him. The sheets weren't warm, so JJ had to have been up for a while. Looking over at the clock, Dee realized that he was very, very late for work. He jumped out of the bed, swearing as the cold air hit his naked skin and started hopping into his pants. He couldn't figure out why JJ would leave for work and not wake him…did he *want* him to get fired? 

He'd just buttoned his pants and rushed into the living room, looking for the phone so that he could at least call in. When he finally found it he saw a note resting on the table, not far away. Curiously, he picked it up, recognizing JJ's script. 

_Sempai,_

_Sorry I didn't wake you…but you looked so peaceful. Don't worry about coming to work; I'll take care of it. You've had a rough few days, and you should rest. _

_Don't ask, just do. Rest. Now. _

_There's food in the kitchen. Be back after work. _

_-JJ_

Dee looked over the note again. He was tempted to call into work, just to make sure, but figured that if he called they might make him come in. He was already late, so he might as well enjoy the day off and hope he didn't get fired. He fished around in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal and cleaning up his dishes before heading off to the shower. 

***************************************************

JJ marched up to Rose's door, taking deep breaths and coaching himself through what he was going to say. He felt around in his pocket, making sure everything was ready before reaching up a hand to knock on the door, and entering when he was told to. Rose looked busy and didn't even glance up when JJ closed the door behind him. 

JJ stayed quiet for a long time, thinking. Finally Rose got fed up and, still not looking up, barked at him from across the room. 

"Well? Is there something I can help you with? And where the hell is Laytner?"

"Stop that." JJ said quietly.

"Excuse me?" Rose bit out. 

"Stop what you're doing. I need your attention; if you aren't going to give it to me, I can come back."

Rose stopped and leaned back, a smirk playing about on his face. He crossed his arms over his broad chest. "Alright then, Adams, what is it you need? And where is Laytner?"

JJ leaned against the other man's desk. "He's not coming in today, he's…sick."

Rose frowned and quirked a brow. "Is he now? We'll see. What is it that you want?"

JJ cut to the chase. "You're sending Ryo away."

"I am" Rose replied curtly. 

"You can't."

Rose's eyebrow quirked again. "And why not, might I ask?"

JJ let out a deep sigh, exasperated. "Number one, because you *know* you can't do that without his consent. He might not know it, but *I* do and so do you. Number two…because I won't let you."

Rose leaned back against his desk, toying with his tie and casting sidelong glances in the mirror on his wall. "There's nothing to be done about it, Adams. I've got too much pull for you to be noble at this point. It's my reputation on the line. The State Police are expecting a sharpshooter and they'll get one."

"Yeah" JJ started "They will…send me."

Rose stopped what he was doing. "Excuse me?"

JJ rolled his eyes. "You heard me. Send me instead. I'm *more* than qualified…I'm better than Ryo. I'm sure they won't mind."

"No" Rose stated simply, going back to fixing his tie.

JJ threw his hands in the air before slamming them down on the Commissioner's desk. "Don't think I don't know why you're doing this. You want Ryo away from Dee."

Rose chuckled. "And if I do? I would have thought you'd be supportive on this."

The silver haired man clenched his fists, almost snarling. "Well I'm not the selfish bastard you are!"

"Temper, Adams. What's done is done…now make the best of it. Nine months from now you'll be happy with Laytner. Ryo will find it hard, of course, to see you two together. He'll no doubt need comforting. Trust me, you'll thank me later."

"No, I won't" JJ snapped back. "You're sending me, and that's final. And you're not going to say anything to Ryo either…I'm going to tell him."

Rose removed his glasses, absently cleaning them off with a cloth on his desk. "Final, you say? Just how do you plan on accomplishing that? I've already told you no."

JJ grit his teeth for a second, trying to rein in his temper. "I'm sure internal affairs would love to know about how you've been chasing your subordinate – your *male* subordinate. I'm sure they'd love to know that you call him in here and do things that go above and beyond sexual harassment."

Rose glared at the sniper before letting his face drop back into the careless sneer he usually wore. "Do what you like. I have a lot of pull here – they'll never believe you."

"They will now." JJ stated simply before brandishing the tape recorder hidden in his pocket until that moment. 

Rose sat silently, shocked. He berated himself for falling into such a simple trap – he was cop…he should have known better. "They don't look kindly on blackmail, either."

The silver haired man just shrugged his shoulders. "I'm willing to go down…but rest assured I'll take you with me."

JJ turned, ready to leave the office. After he'd opened the door he turned back, facing Rose who remained quietly fuming. 

"Dee won't be in today…and maybe not tomorrow either. I hope you don't mind. I trust you'll have the appropriate information on my desk sometime today. And don't feel too bad…I always was an excellent chess player, Commissioner. Checkmate."

*************************************************

TBC

OKAY. Whew…that was a doozy. 

First off…I know I said I'd warn you guys about the sex…but well…I didn't wanna give it away. I still don't really think it warrants lemondom, or an NC17 rating…but that's just me. I think there's a fine line between not descriptive enough and too descriptive. Sorry I sprung it on you…well…that's a lie…no, I'm not sorry at all. 

Before you get your knickers in a twist about it, let me say that I thought it was appropriate. It's not the whole celibate knight idealism thing that Dee usually has…but I thought it needed to happen, and I'm god here…so happen it did. Now…the first situation they had gotten into in earlier chapters…that would have been a mistake, yes. This *points up* was not, at least…not to me. How it happened and why seemed realistic to me…but maybe that's just me. It seemed…human…and that's what I want them to be first and foremost…human. 

Another thing….IT'S NOT OVER YET. Dee/Ryo fans, don't jump for joy just yet…there's still more to come. 

With the way I've been writing, the next chapter should be here soon. I don't have to work until Tuesday so god knows what I'll get done before then since I've been writing every spare moment (when I'm not in detox, that is…*god* that sucked) Like I said…there is much more to come, the story is *not* over. So please keep reading. 

Also…this is the most descriptive sex I have ever written, and I was chewing my nails the entire time wondering about it, so please let me know how it came out. 

Reviews are great; they fuel the writing hamster running in his little wheel in my head. (The bitch must be smoking crack at this rate, though). 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	16. Problems or solutions? Who can tell?

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue. 

A/N: Again…I have to address a review by name…ah, such is life, I suppose. 
    
    XZanayu: I'm sorry you feel that way. But I am, in *no* way, sorry for the content of the last chapter. I know not everything in this story has gone how you might want it to, but that's life. I warned you, *several* times. I've tried to write this so that the characters are real enough that a reader can identify with them, even if they don't *agree* with them. You knew from the beginning that this wasn't going to be the saccharine infested Dee/Ryo story that it appears you were looking for. If you want that trite bullshit, go somewhere else. There's nothing wrong with fluff, people…I *love* fluff. Fluff is what it is, and it does its job well. It's a nice break from this angsty shit that I write and the sweetness makes you go "ah". I'm not *above* fluff, I just don't *like* writing it…shit…I've never even tried. If you disagree with the events, then just say so with a simple "That's fucked up" or "Arg! How could he?" But the venom in your review was uncalled for. If you can't get past the fact that not everything in this story (or life) is peaches and cream, then don't read it. I hate to lose a reader, and I'm sorry I couldn't please you.

More notes…..

Okay…something else I want to address. I got several reviews (see above) where people were just *outraged* that Dee slept with JJ, for one reason or another. I apologize if anyone experienced health problems. The issue of infidelity is, I think, an almost laughable one. I think that if anything, Dee's nobility would be what would cause such feelings, but no actual infidelity took place. 

Yeah…it's going to cause some rockage of the Dee/Ryo ship, but that gets dealt with later. 

As far as one review stating that JJ's actions were not noble, or selfless…well…I didn't say they were. Other reviews stated that *they* saw it that way, and that's fine. I think there was certainly a degree of selflessness there but, as you'll see in this chapter, JJ's not a sweet little knight, saving Ryo from the evil overlord Rose. He has his reasons. Read on, if you want to know what they are. 

Thanks for all the reviews, they mean a lot ^.^

Jen/Mainframe: Thank you…that was the most amazing review I have gotten…ever.

Warning: There is meanness in this chapter. Meanness to Ryo, to be specific. 

Chapter 14……………One man's solution is another man's problem.

*********************************************************

Dee stayed around JJ's for most of the day. He had considered going home for a change of clothes, but laziness won him over. He didn't much like his own apartment, in any case. The place felt cold and reeked of bachelorhood – something Dee used to pride himself on and was now beginning to detest. 

He thought back over his life, trying to figure out exactly where the change had occurred. Even when he met Ryo, he was still what he considered to be a playboy. Up until his more recent period of candidacy for sainthood, he'd lived a wilder life. He couldn't say he had ever spent much time in the fast lane that JJ seemed to for so long, but he was a social creature, and he'd had many lovers. It boggled his mind to think of how this one sexual encounter seemed enormous in importance when five years earlier he wouldn't have given it a second thought. 

It was true that he enjoyed the company of both men and women, and once or twice, both at the same time. Whenever he'd been asked about it he could never really come up with the right words. He and Penguin had certainly had more than a few talks, the overly gracious nun trying hard to understand him. Women were…soft. They were made up of rounded curves and smooth lines. He found a gentle quality to them, even the aggressive ones, and found something indescribably tender to their supple lips and the smell of their perfume. Men were…different. They smelled different too. Where the curves were smooth and round on the fairer sex, for males they were rougher, sharper. There was just something in the way a man's hips met his legs and he found great appeal in the look of a chiseled jaw or firm chin. He wasn't sure if he preferred one gender over the other, but most of his partners had been male.

At times, he admittedly missed being a little promiscuous. He had a fierce libido and it often called to him, begging to go out and play as it had in times past. But somehow, after his monumental partnering with one Randy 'Ryo' McLean, he just…stopped. Knowing Ryo, learning from him, and observing the gentleness and naivety of his nature that was so very different from his own, he'd fallen in love. He began to want something more than just the black book stuffed full of numbers in his pocket; he wanted someplace – *someone* – to call home. He supposed it was a number of factors; he was getting older, steadily approaching thirty, and before Ryo he'd never been exposed to domesticity, really. Having never really seen a real home he hadn't known how badly he could want one. But now he did – and he considered himself lucky. Although Ryo had been the home he was shopping for, and lost, JJ felt like home too…new homes were always a little difficult to adjust to, but he was confident that everything would work out, in time. And regardless of the outcome, he would never regret knowing Ryo, for all the many things it had taught him. 

After his shower he pulled on his pants and flopped back onto the large bed to watch some television. He tried to keep his mind occupied with the various shows and even a few infomercials…but he couldn't. He kept replaying the images of the previous night in his mind – the look of pale skin awash with moonlight and the graceful line at the nape of a delicate neck. He didn't regret it, no…and knew that nothing could make him, and yet…his mind wandered back to Ryo. He debated telling the other man about what had happened. But it wasn't as though he had anything to be ashamed of, and telling Ryo would seem more like a confession than anything else. It wasn't really any of his business; but Dee was an honest man, and couldn't shake the feeling that he should know. At some point during his musings Dee realized something that hurt him, deeply…would Ryo even care?

He knew he would, of course…but why? Would it be the simple jealousy that Ryo kept barely leashed most of the time? It had to be, Dee decided. He had given his former partner everything he had to offer…and Ryo turned it down. If he wanted to be jealous, he could…and the three of them would just have to deal with it. Feeling suddenly very tired, Dee crawled underneath the covers and turned over on his side. His eyes met the picture that JJ kept – apparently the man had flipped it back up. He laid there for hours, staring into unfathomable black eyes that seemed to look right through him – to everything he was and used to be, while surrounded by the satisfying and promising smell of something new that clung to the sheets wrapped all around him.  

****************************************************

Once the door to Rose's office was shut firmly behind JJ he made a beeline for the bathroom, calmly stepping inside and locking the door before sliding down the wall and pulling his knees to his chest. The adrenaline and sadness warred within him and he didn't know if he needed to pant or cry. 

Eventually…the tears won out. He sat there for a long time, wringing his hands and weeping as quietly as possible. He felt sick – he wanted to run into Rose's office and take it back. But he couldn't…and he knew it. He tried to turn his grief into resignation, but found it difficult with what felt like a disturbingly large rock in his throat. 

Finally he pulled himself together enough to stand and look in the mirror. He scoffed at his appearance and forced himself to remember the previous night, the memories bringing a begrudging smile to face. He turned on the cold water and splashed his face a few times, feeling some of the burn leave his cheeks. 

When he got to his desk, the information was there and he gathered it up before preparing to leave for the day. He was anxious to see Dee…but he had something he had to do first. 

********************************************************

Ryo shifted dejectedly about his apartment. He tried to keep a smile in place, for Bikky, but found it more difficult than he had imagined. They weren't taking much with them, as the place set up for them was already furnished, so packing wasn't hard…at least, physically. 

It had been hard keeping Bikky in bed all day. It was his last day, and so Ryo told him that any of his friends could come over to say goodbye if they wanted to. Several rough looking kids had come in and out all day, some stayed for an hour or so, some for only a few minutes. Ryo felt bad for moving Bikky away after realizing he had so many friends, but at least they would be there for him when they got back. He could tell Cal wasn't holding up so well either, but Ryo found it hard to be very sympathetic, having lost any hope of having Dee waiting for him when he returned. 

It was late afternoon, and the winter sun began to dim earlier. Carol had gone to the store to pick up some things for Bikky, and Ryo expected her back at any time, so the knock on the door didn't surprise him. He'd been in the kitchen making tea and he brought the warm mug into the living room with him, setting it down before answering the door. 

A tired and worn out looking JJ was not who he expected to see.

Ryo stumbled back a bit, surprised to see the other man. After a moment, resentment overcame shock and he narrowed his eyes and folded his arms over his chest. 

"Is there something I can do for you, JJ? I have a sick child and I'm busy right now."

JJ leaned against the doorframe, frowning. "Are you going to let me in? There are some things we need to get straight."

Ryo was just about to tell him to go to hell when Bikky came shuffling in the room. "Is that Cal?"

"Go back to bed, Bikky. I'll send Cal in when she gets here."

Bikky ignored the order and peered around Ryo at the door, curious. When he caught sight of JJ, he exploded, hurling himself towards the sniper. Luckily, Ryo caught him around the waist, but Bikky fought him, struggling to get free. 

"You're that jackass from the hospital! What's he doing here, Ryo? Damnit, put me down!"

"Bikky!" Ryo barked, harsher than he meant to. "I'm not putting you down until you promise to behave. You don't need to be so excited." He shot JJ a glare. "I don't know what he's doing here either, and I can't find out if you keep acting like this."

After much struggling and many swear words, Bikky finally consented to go back to his room, glaring daggers at JJ. When Ryo was sure Bikky was safely behind closed doors, he turned back to his unwelcome guest. He wanted to tell him to leave, unable to overcome his own resentment. But JJ had come for a reason, and Ryo was curious.  

"Fine, come on in."

JJ nodded and stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind him. Ryo remained tense, not wanting to sit while the other man stood. He was taller than JJ and it gave him an odd sense of protection and confidence. 

"What is it that you want?"

Whatever JJ lacked in height, he made up for in presence – squaring his shoulders and looking Ryo in the eye. "Going somewhere?" He asked, pointing to the few boxes in the floor.

Ryo looked down at them and debated telling him the truth, part of him hoping that he might inform Dee and then he would have another chance to change things. But he decided against it…he'd already made his decision and it wouldn't change anything, anyways. 

"That's none of your business" he told him tersely. 

JJ folded his arms over his chest, taking a deep breath. "Unpack your things…you're not going anywhere."

Ryo was a little startled, he hadn't expected that. "What are you talking about, JJ?"

"I read your letter – the one you never meant for anyone to read. It fell out of your pocket at the hospital. I…I went to Rose. They're taking me, not you."

Ryo shot forward, not thinking. He grabbed JJ's arm, wondering if this was supposed to be a joke. "What?"

JJ ripped his arm away and stepped back. "Get off! And if you touch me again, I'll rip off your arm and feed it to you."

Ryo quirked a brow. JJ was not happy, obviously, but he hadn't expected the kind of venom that dripped from every one of the sniper's words. "Why? Why did you do it? You won…I don't…I don't understand."

JJ let out a sigh and leaned against the back of a chair. "Several reasons. I…I saw his face after he left here. I saw how much you hurt him. I was fine with that; I was fine with being the one to help him, heal him. And I would have…just so you know. We would have been happy – without you." JJ paused and gathered more air, feeling light headed. 

"But I read your letter and I knew it would have been a lie. As happy as I was to let you get shipped off, forever for all I care, it would have eaten at me…always wondering if he'd still be with me if he knew how you felt. I can't live my life always wondering if I'm only second best. He…He's in love with you. I'm in love with him. I won't let you haunt me even when you're not here."

"JJ…"

JJ held a hand up. "Shut. Up."

Ryo complied, feeling the intense emotion rolling off of JJ so thickly it was almost tangible. After a moment, JJ continued. "I wanted my chance, and I've had it – this is what I choose to do with it. Sempai's worked hard…and he deserves his chance too."

Ryo almost wanted to hug him, but thought better of it if he didn't want to lose a limb. "How did you get Rose to change it? I tried and he wouldn't budge."

JJ shrugged. "I'm persuasive. Leave it at that. Besides…you didn't have to go. He can't make you, you know."

"Then why – " Ryo started, confused. 

"Because," JJ interrupted, knowing what the other man was going to ask. "If you two are going to…if…after…I just can't be here to witness it."

Ryo ignored the warning in his brain, and jumped in, voicing his thoughts. "Don't you think it's a little pretentious of you to be making all these decisions without Dee? Don't you think he would want to make them himself?"

JJ shook his head. "Is it any different than what you did? Making decisions based on what's best for him? Besides…if he knew…after all that's happened…what do you think he would do? I *know* what he would do. He might be in love with you, but he's already made promises to me and Dee doesn't break his promises. This is the only way."

He was right, and Ryo knew it. Once Dee made a commitment, he stuck to it – no matter what. He supposed that it was something they both loved about him. With a nod, Ryo let his voice return to its usual soft tone. "I'm…I'm sorry, JJ." Ryo realized at that moment that he meant it…he was sorry.

JJ glared back at him. "Don't waste your time being sorry. I won't be gone forever. That means you have nine months to make him *the* happiest man alive, because I *will* be back, and if he's not – I won't be so kind next time."

Ryo found himself smiling, despite the twisting emotions in his gut. He was confused, and happy, and nervous, and guilty all at the same time, and he didn't like it one bit. "JJ…Thank you."

"I didn't do it for you." JJ bit out. "Don't thank me, either. Let me tell you something, McLean. I hate you. I don't dislike you; you don't 'rub me the wrong way'…I fucking *hate* you. I'm better for him than you are and I've loved him for longer than you can even imagine. But somehow…someway…you managed to weasel your way into the very core of his heart. I know it's selfish and that I should look past it. Dee loves you, and that should be enough for me…but it *isn't*. I won't say that he *couldn't* love me the way he loves you…but right now, he *doesn't*. He's a good man…the best…and he deserves better than this."

Ryo tried not to let his feelings get hurt at the harsh words that he knew to be true; but he was a sensitive man and they stung him regardless. Before he could say anything, JJ continued on with his rant. 

"I won't ever stop hating you…so there's no reason to be nice, or even civil to me because you slip up *once*…and I'm sure you will…so help me god I'll make sure you never get another chance."

JJ was fighting tears, and Ryo knew it. They were quiet for a moment, JJ collecting himself and Ryo not wanting to provoke him any further. Finally JJ sniffed and lifted his head up, locking his eyes with Ryo. "This is my last night with him…I'll expect you to be scarce."

Ryo had to control his urge to lash out. His emotions were all jumbled up and the jealousy that welled up inside him at the thought of JJ spending the night with Dee was almost too much to bear. He knew he had to play it cool; JJ could change his mind at any time, though Ryo knew he wouldn't. He hadn't done it for leverage…no…he'd done it for his own reasons – reasons that Ryo had to admit he understood.

Still, Ryo warred internally over what to do. He didn't want to think about wasting any more time with Dee, and images of him with JJ caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. He thought on it for a long time…and eventually he had to realize that what JJ had done had been huge. He was right about one thing – even if Ryo chose not to go upstate he still would have lost Dee. He had sent him to JJ and the sniper could just as easily have kept him, knowing Dee wouldn't break his heart. And now that JJ had him…he was letting him go. He had to agree. He hated to do it, but Ryo realized he really didn't have any other choice. JJ waited for affirmation from Ryo and received it in the form of a curt nod. 

He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it over. "Give this to him after I'm gone…please. Remember what I said – I'm not giving up…just giving you a head start."

"Do you still have my letter?" Ryo asked.

JJ lied "No. I burned it."

He turned and headed to the door, opening it and stepping one foot out into the hall before Ryo's voice behind him caused him to still. 

"I do love him, you know."

"A word of advice, McLean." JJ started, keeping his back to the other man he'd just handed his heart over to. "Give yourself to him…body, mind…soul. Never, ever change him…just *look* at him. *Really* look…and then you *might* know what that word means."

And with that, he was gone. 

**********************************************

TBC

Okay, people. 

Before you swamp me with flames about Ryo being too complacent, let me tell you that he gets to fume in the next chapter. 

I know many of you are going to try and find out where I live and bludgeon me due to the meanness to him here, but frankly…if *I* were JJ (and I kind of am…if you think about it), that would be my reaction. It doesn't make being mean to someone right, but I can understand *why* he says the things he does to him. If you'll notice…he could have told Ryo about the previous night…and he didn't. 

You're right that things are going to be stressed between Dee and Ryo, and that comes later. Please keep reading, there is still much to come. 

Thanks for the reviews (and the flames).

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	17. When there is nothing left but us

Disclaimer: Mine? NO!

A/N: Okay…first off…thanks for all the awesome reviews. 

I'm sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I went to work on Tuesday and the hamster just…died. Too much crack, I suppose. But I got a new one…so it's all good now. 

I've been meaning to thank Liegenschonheit and Dementia-12 for archiving me. I've never been archived before…it makes me all tingly. THANK YOU. *throws kisses*

Thanks to Jasmine, for getting sucked into being my beta on this fic too…even though she never planned on it. 

Ryo isn't in this chapter as much as I had planned. The other stuff just was way too long to keep going, and I wanted to get this posted. But the next chapter is very much Ryo centric, I promise. It'll be here soon. 

I had one reviewer ask for the pairing….Mwhahaha. I think not, little one. If I told you, I'd have to tell everyone. Has it been revealed, you ask. No way in hell. You'll just have to keep reading…I suppose. (Please please please keep reading *begs*).

I paid ff.net their 25 bucks to support the site and got those support features, including enhanced stats. It is *freaky* how many people read this stuff. Makes me feel kind of…naked…but in a good way. Anyways…I'm honored that so many of you take the time out of your day to read my work…and I hope I don't disappoint you. *bows*

Thank you and on with the next chapter!

Chapter 15………When there is nothing left but us.

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The door had closed softly…unfitting for the dramatics that had taken place just moments before. 

Ryo stood quietly for a moment, letting it sink in. After it had…he still didn't know how he felt or what to do. He was elated that he didn't have to leave…but JJ's parting words had both infuriated him and made him wonder. Who did he think he was? How could he presume to know Ryo's feeling toward Dee and its merit? He knew what love was – he'd been surrounded by it. He knew how it felt to love someone…but…he realized, that the love he'd shown his aunt and Bikky and countless other people that were important to him was…different. But how? 

He wasn't so naïve as to harbor the assumption that it would be the same. You have to love *everyone* a different way. But he'd never felt this…burning…in his chest. Was that love, of the romantic sort? Was that passion? Both emotions were fairly foreign to him. What did this mean? 

Did it mean that now he and Dee would be together forever, hand in hand like in some modern independent film exploring the 'new age family'? Did it mean that he was supposed to resign his life to Dee's? The relationship was complicated…they were both men…and things were infinitely more difficult since not one, but *both* partners were emotionally stunted in some way. With a woman it was different…the commitment, the solidity, came with marriage…and Ryo didn't think he wanted to be 'married'. How was he supposed to know the extent of their relationship when society gave him no guidelines to follow?

He wondered what would have come of him without Dee. He knew what he was…he'd always known it. But he didn't think he would have the courage to charge headfirst into acceptance without someone like Dee to help him. He was going to need some time to get used to it. It occurred to him then, how odd and almost sad it was that a human would have to *get used* to something they *were*. It just didn't seem natural – having to adjust to being what he *was*. He wondered about JJ. He didn't know the man very well, but he could tell that JJ made no excuses for being gay. A part of him almost wished that he could talk to him; ask him questions. He noted absently that using the 'g' word was so much easier when it applied to someone else. 

He knew that he would risk his life for Dee. But part of him wondered if that was something that came from their professional relationship. Even before all these romantic twists and turns, he would have done the same. Dee was his partner, and now…he couldn't think of *any* words in the English language that could describe what it was they were to each other. 

Ryo was extremely domestic, for a man. But he was still a man. He still wasn't certain about the concept of settling down…for life. All the tension and butterflies that assaulted his senses when Dee touched him sent chills up his spine…it was incredibly exciting. But he wondered – would all that just fade away after he gave in to him? Gay or not…a relationship was a relationship. He wondered if it was Dee he loved…or the *idea* of Dee. Once the charming lion caught his gazelle…all that would be left was…a man. What would Dee be like when he had nothing to chase? 

Ryo had to think about it. He knew Dee, of course, but through all the time that he'd become familiar with him there had been an underlying tension – distorting everything else. Dee was a kind man, if not an extremely patient one. He was honest and raw – gritty in a way that Ryo had never had the courage to be. He was stubborn as a mule – but Ryo realized that the same tenacity that drove him crazy had always been something he'd respected about his partner. Once Dee decided something was right, no one, not even God, could sway him. Although it could be an irritating quality, it was also an admirable one. 

It had been a big enough step to admit to wanting Dee…and now love was in the equation. He knew it had always been there, but now it seemed urgent; as though he had to 'beat' JJ; as though Dee was going to stand them in a line and determine who loved him more. Ryo had never liked being pushed. He liked things at a slow, natural pace. He felt that pushing something devalued it; but he had to realize – what does the value of something matter if you lose it in the end?

Ryo hated when he got philosophical. He always had a tendency for it and once his mind started asking questions, it never stopped or found any answers. He loved Dee. Period. He didn't know how, or why, or if they would be together always – but he *knew* it. 

Bikky chose that moment to come sauntering into the room and Ryo wished he'd come earlier to prevent his internal monologue. 

"Ryo?"

"Yes?" Ryo absently picked up his mug and took a sip, but immediately spit it out when the now cool tea hit his palette. 

"So we're not leaving?"

Ryo sighed. "No…it looks like we're not. And do you listen to *all* my conversations?"

Bikky didn't answer the question. He rushed forward, hugging Ryo around his chest. He'd been quite the trooper, taking the move with uncharacteristic grace; but Ryo could see now how very bothered he had been by it. The door opened with a creak and Carol stepped into the room, a grocery bag in her hand. 

"What's going on you guys?"

Bikky ripped away from Ryo and rushed the poor girl, knocking her over and sending soup cans rolling this way and that. 

"Cal! I'm not leavin'! We get to stay!"

Carol laughed and hugged Bikky back before pushing him away and standing, righting her now rumpled clothing. "How'd that happen?"

Bikky composed himself as well. "That jerk off from the hospital came by here and told Ryo that he was gonna go instead." He immediately whipped around, turning his attention to his foster father. "Yeah…and I heard those things he said to you! I heard him talkin' about spending the night with Dee! How could you let him do that Ryo?"

Ryo rubbed his temples. Bikky was always so involved in things that didn't really concern him. He figured he shouldn't mince words, since the teen had already heard the conversation. "Bikky…JJ didn't have to come over here. He could have just let us leave. Sure, he wasn't very nice about it…but he gave Dee up to me."

Bikky snorted, grasping Carol's hand and tugging at her, signaling that they were about to head back into his bedroom. "Ryo…that guy didn't *give* Dee to you…he was always yours."

The kids made their way down the hall and Bikky's words reverberated through Ryo's mind. He found an odd and simple truth to them…and it made him smile. Possession had never been something Ryo favored…but he was finding that it felt pretty good – to have someone completely. 

****************************************************************

JJ checked for Dee's car before heading up to his apartment. He was glad that apparently his house guest had decided to stay. He felt horrible, the stress of the day bringing his fever back to life. He inserted his key into the lock, but found the door open. He stepped inside, removing his coat and immediately shoving the papers in his hand into a drawer before looking into the bedroom. 

Dee was propped up against the pillows, remote in hand, muttering something about police shows being "a load of crap." JJ chuckled and then immediately pushed it down, not allowing himself to appreciate the warm feeling that coming 'home' to Dee elicited in him. Dee heard him, and turned his head. He smiled and switched off the TV before getting up off the bed and crossing the room. 

He had his shirt on now; the top three buttons undone, and it hung loose and untucked at his waist. His hair was messy and wild, forming a shaggy black curtain over his eyes since he hadn't taken the time to tame it as he did for work. JJ found him incredibly appealing like this – with no pretences or masks left to wear. He smiled brightly at him before his fever protested to all the movement he'd been doing and he reeled, almost falling over. 

Dee flew over to him, catching him around the waist and maneuvering him to sit on the bed. "Whoa, JJ…just…just sit down, alright?" He placed the back of his hand against the sniper's cheeks. After he was satisfied, he pulled it back and frowned, though the concern pushed its way through his scowl. "I thought you said you were feeling better. You're burning up."

"Yeah" JJ started "I just had a rough day."

Dee remained frowning for a moment before he reached forward, pulling JJ's tie loose and slipping it over his head. Afterwards, he started on his shirt, deftly undoing the buttons. The action didn't seem seductive at all, more caring and deliberate. JJ looked up at him, confused. 

"Dee Sempai…what are you doing?"

Dee smiled, though he didn't look at him or cease his task. "Your fever feels pretty damn high. I'll bet these are uncomfortable." He finished with JJ's work shirt and then slipped his fingers into the undershirt, pulling it over the sniper's head. JJ realized that the cool air hitting his skin did feel good. Dee smiled again at the look of relief on his face and stepped back. 

"I'll let you take care of the rest. I'm gonna go run a cool bath, okay? That should help."

JJ nodded as Dee slipped into the bathroom. When the rest of his clothes were divested, he slipped his bathrobe on and followed. Dee took notice of him and offered him a lazy smile. 

"Check this temperature…I know it needs to be cool, but I don't want to freeze you to death."

JJ stuck his hand into the water and pulled it back, satisfied. He opened up the cabinets underneath the sink and pulled out a light green bottle. Walking over to the water, he squeezed it and let the liquid drift down, making bubbles. 

"The bubbles are a bit annoying, but it's got menthol in it; good for colds."

"Ah" Dee said before plucking the bottle from his fingers. "This is for babies, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but it works."

Dee let out a quiet 'hmm' and leaned forward, kissing JJ on the forehead. Afterwards, he froze, realizing he hadn't really meant to do it…it just seemed natural. Shaking away the surprise, he smiled and turned off the water. "You just relax. I'll…go get you some Tylenol."

Dee exited the bathroom and JJ disrobed, slipping down into the semi-temperate water. He sighed heavily and tried to focus on the smell of the menthol, or the cool water on his skin – anything but the knowledge that this would be last time he would be with Dee for a long time…possibly forever. 

While Dee was in the kitchen, he poured a glass of water and set it aside before opening the cabinet where JJ kept his pills. Reaching for the Tylenol bottle, his eyes met the bottle he'd questioned JJ over days earlier. Eskalith…lithium. Dee remembered his conversation with JJ and finding out that he was bipolar. He didn't know much about the illness, but knew that being manic depressive couldn't be easy. All the drama recently must've been terribly bad for JJ. He made a mental note to learn more about the condition, as it would no doubt be a factor in his life as well now. He shook two painkillers into his palm and picked up the glass of water, headed back towards the bathroom. 

JJ's efforts were futile, and he found himself squeezing his eyes shut, willing away the tears. He pulled a hand up out of the water and raked it through his hair, gripping tightly. At that moment, the door opened again, but just a crack. 

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah" JJ called, absently glancing down at the water where the bubbles covered his nakedness. Not that it really mattered. He had no intention of repeating the previous night – it had been perfect and he wanted to keep the memory that way, preserved and untainted. 

Dee entered and couldn't hold back a chuckle. Where JJ's wet hand had been taken out of his otherwise dry hair, it left the area sticking up at odd angles. "Here" he said, handing JJ a glass of water and two red and yellow pills. The sniper downed them quickly.

"Listen…" Dee started "…you shouldn't worry so much. It's not good for you – you've literally worried yourself sick. Heh…you and Bikky both. I know things are kind of stressed, but everything'll be alright." He paused, then "Y'know…I always thought I wanted you to calm down, but I'm ready to see you all jumpy and happy again, okay?" He offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile. 

The look on Dee's face was enough to cause a new bout of tears, but JJ fought them back. He forced a smile and nodded. "Okay" he let out softly. 

Dee stood, and turned back towards the door. "You're in no shape to go out, and I can't cook worth a damn, so I'll just order something. Is that alright?"

"Sure" JJ replied. As Dee's hand made contact with the doorknob, he called out, needing the other man's presence near him. "Sempai"

Dee turned. "Hm?"

"Could you just…stay? Just…sit with me…please? We'll worry about food later."

Dee quirked a brow, but nodded. He squatted down beside the tub, resting back on his haunches. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah…" JJ started "…I just want to look at you."

Laughter filled the room, bouncing off the tile and resonating back over both men. "C'mon, JJ. I know I'm a stud…but seriously."

JJ laughed and found his first easy smile of the day. "That you are Sempai…that you are. Will you hand me that sponge at your feet?"

Dee looked down at the sponge in question. His eyes glittered with mischief and he began rolling his sleeves up. If JJ noticed, he didn't mention it. With his muscular forearms now bare, Dee picked up the sponge and dipped it into the water. JJ definitely noticed then. "Dee, what're you phfffttt."

Dee lifted it over JJ's head and squeezed, pouring cool, minty water down over the silver hair and causing the smaller man to splutter as the water cascaded over his face. JJ lifted his hands and wiped at his eyes, blinking. "What was that for?"

The dry man shrugged. "Dunno…just seemed appropriate."

JJ tried to scowl, but ended up looking amused. "Well as jarring as it was…it felt good."

No words passed between them as Dee dipped the sponge back into the water and lifted it again, squeezing it this time over JJ's shoulder. The smaller man whimpered a bit and tilted his head to the side. His skin was sensitive, due to fever, but it was subsiding and he found the coolness and the scratch of the sponge against his skin rather pleasing. He tilted his head forward, and Dee took the hint, repeating his action against the back of a pale neck. 

So it stayed for quite some time. They were quiet; serene. JJ thought that if he lived to be a hundred he would never forget the feeling of being cared for so meticulously; the feeling of cool water on his skin and warm trust lulling him almost to sleep. 

He was thankful again for the bubbles that he had so carelessly called an annoyance earlier. His arousal didn't come from being touched, at least, not in the physical sense. It was a delightful sensation to have Dee's strong hands on his shoulders and arms, yes, but JJ felt his touch deeper – blanketing the soul he didn't think he had. 

Overcome by the urge to thank Dee for reminding him of all the deliciously painful and spine-tingling emotions that accompanied humility, he twisted his head and kissed him. Dee stilled for a moment and pulled back, surprised, but just as quickly returned the chaste and achingly sweet kiss. When their lips were but millimeters away, JJ could have sworn he saw his own breath drawn from him and sucked into the mouth where he found both his salvation and his downfall. 

It was short lived…like many things, JJ realized. Dee smiled at him and ruffled his wet hair, before standing and rolling down his sleeves. "Are you feeling any better?"

JJ nodded. "Quite a bit."

"Okay then," Dee started "we should probably figure out what to do for dinner before it gets too late. Is that Chinese place we always order from when working the late shift okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Alright…number 7, right?"

JJ found himself smiling again…so Dee did pay attention. "Yes…that's right."

Dee nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. JJ noted that it wasn't a defensive stance, more one of masculinity and power; it suited him. 

"You finish up in here, and I'll take care of the food."

Dee knew the number by heart, as he had always been the one to call when they were crammed into the office working all hours of the night. He sat on the edge of JJ's bed, the cordless phone tucked underneath his ear and one leg propped up over the other. He rattled off JJ's order, followed by his own, followed by Ryo's. His eyes went wide and he mentally slapped himself, rescinding the last order placed. It had just come out of his mouth. It was what he'd always done, placing Ryo's order behind his own. He knew it verbatim, down to all the little specific things Ryo liked. 

Distractedly, he finished up on the phone, giving them the address. When he finished, he set the phone back into its cradle and his eyes automatically shifted to the picture. That damnable, damnable picture. He flipped it down again. It would have been easier to look at, had Ryo been scowling disapprovingly as he usually did. But no…he was smiling. It was the gentle, calm and caring smile that Dee had always loved so much. He missed him – missed that smile, and the smell of him, and even the way he would shove his masculine, yet delicate hand into Dee's face, fending him off. Only days earlier, he had been ready to drop everything, do anything, if Ryo decided he wanted him. But now…his eyes wandered off to the bathroom door…would he be willing to give up this comfortable and new addition to his life? He wasn't sure how things had changed so dramatically in such a short span of time…but had it really been that sudden? He'd gotten closer to JJ steadily over the last month or so, and although he'd known him for years, a part of him felt that, before that time, he hadn't really known JJ at all. 

He missed Ryo…he loved him. But…he loved JJ too. Until that moment, he hadn't known it was possible to love two people at the same time…but there he was…and he was clueless as to what to do about it. After a while, he realized that such musings were impractical. Ryo wasn't a factor anymore…despite Dee's best efforts, Ryo didn't want him…and probably never had. 

JJ came out of the bathroom, his robe again wrapped around him snugly. He noticed the creases in Dee's brow and soon after, noticed the flipped picture on his bedside table. He walked over to him slowly, until he stood between Dee's now uncrossed legs. Reaching his hand towards the handsome face, he smoothed over the wrinkles in Dee's brow with his thumbs. 

"Now who's worrying too much?"

Dee sighed. "Sorry, I – "

"Hush" JJ commanded. "Go get some dishes ready for when the food gets here. I need to get dressed."

"Maybe I should stay." Dee wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

"I'll keep my virtue, thank you."

"Virtue?!" Dee snorted. "Ha! I think mmmprhhhmm."

JJ slapped his hand over Dee's mouth. "Yeah, uh-huh, don't finish that sentence…or else I may have to beat you." 

When JJ removed his hand, Dee couldn't help but jump through the window the sniper's comment had opened for him. "I thought taking beatings was *your* thing."

JJ blushed to his ears before trying to compose himself. "It may very well be, but don't think you're above one."

Dee stood, patting JJ's head and leaving the room. He turned back, grinning. "Don't worry…I'd never beat you while you're sick…unless you want me to."

JJ threw a pillow at the back of his head playfully, but Dee was too quick and it hit the back of the door instead. JJ was left alone in his room, taking deep breaths and trying to remind himself not to be so attached to Dee during his last night with him. He quickly dressed, just slipping on flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt before padding out to the kitchen. The table was set commonly, and Dee had just refilled both his own and JJ's glass of water. 

The rest of the evening went smoothly; dinner arrived and they ate while talking jovially. They discussed everything from politics to work to clothing. JJ realized that Dee was more scholarly than most people gave him credit for. Granted, he'd never win thousands of dollars on Jeopardy, but everyone had always just assumed that Dee's intelligence was wrapped up in street smarts and instincts; and JJ found that far from true. 

Soon they were back in the living room, sitting on the floor across from one another. Dee smoked like a chimney and JJ absently picked at the carpet while they continued conversing. 

They talked about books, Dee preferring non-fiction, while JJ enjoyed more classical novels by the likes of socially satirical and honest writers like Oscar Wilde. Dee remembered having to read 'The Picture Of Dorian Gray' in his high school years and had liked it enough, but found Wilde to be a bit disheartening in his view of life. This was something JJ, however, admired. JJ quoted him, his thoughts on crime, society. 

"Starvation, not sin, is the parent of the modern crime. That indeed is the reason why our criminals are, as a class, so absolutely uninteresting from any psychological point of view. They are not marvelous Macbeths or terrible Vautrins. They are merely what ordinary, respectable, commonplace people would do if they had not got enough to eat."

Dee thought on it a moment, and found the quote to have quite a bit of merit. Crime meant something completely different when you were trying to stop it instead of performing or witnessing it. The new viewpoint made him think and see things from another perspective – he found it stimulating. 

JJ laughed a bit. "It's a great quote, from a great man…but he also said 'There is only one thing worse than being talked about... and that is being set on fire by an enraged Pakistani'…so we'll never *really* know what went on in his head."

Dee laughed out loud and smiled. When he calmed, he looked at the clock and realizing the late hour, stood after crushing out his cigarette. "It's pretty late…I should head home."

"No" JJ grabbed his arm. "Stay…please. I don't want…I mean…we don't need to…just…stay…"

"I've been in these clothes for two days, JJ, and I don't really think I can wake up early enough to go home and get new ones before work tomorrow. Besides…there's no rush, you know."

JJ kept his grip on Dee's arm. "I…I know…but…just stay. You don't have to go in tomorrow."

Dee's eyebrow quirked up and he sat down on the sofa. "Just how did you manage that?"

JJ hesitated, thinking of how to use his words so that he wouldn't lie…but wouldn't really tell the whole truth. "Rose owes me a favor…that's all."

Dee looked uncertain. "Rose is a bastard. I doubt that alone could get him to do *anything* for me."

JJ had to think quickly. "I knew you needed a couple of days after all that's happened, so I told him you were sick. Just in case he didn't believe me, I told him I could always tell internal affairs about all the Ryo-chasing he does."

Dee couldn't help but laugh. "Damn…you know…I wish I'd thought of that. That asshole would do anything to get to Ryo." Dee realized that, yet again, he'd brought up his former partner, most likely upsetting JJ. It was hard for him though – it had only been a short time and Ryo was still very much etched into his heart and mind. He quickly changed the subject. "Are you *positive* that I don't have to go in tomorrow? I don't need to go losing my job."

JJ nodded. "Yeah…I'm sure. The chief might bitch about it, but it's fine with Rose, and he has the final say so."

The taller man relented, but remained suspicious. "Why do you want me to stay so badly?"

This part was easy, JJ thought. "Why wouldn't I?"

After a moment, JJ stood and took Dee's hand, pulling him to his feet as well. "We should go to bed though…it is pretty late."

They entered the bedroom and Dee looked puzzled. He didn't want to sleep in his pants…but had nothing on underneath them. He wasn't sure what to do. JJ must've sensed this because he called over to him while rummaging through his closet. 

"If you need something to sleep in, I have some pants that'll probably fit you. My aunt actually sent me a birthday present about three years back. I don't know who told her I was a six foot tall body builder…either that or she meant to send them to someone else. Here." He tossed the pants at Dee. "They've never been worn. I'm not even sure why I kept them, really."

It was a lie, but JJ hadn't felt the need to express that he'd kept them because they were the only thing he'd received from his family (other than rent money) since leaving home at seventeen. 

Dee thanked him and slipped into the bathroom to change. The soft pants were a little loose even on him, so he could just imagine JJ drowning in all the extra fabric. When he stepped back into the bedroom, JJ was already buried underneath the covers. Dee crawled in next to him and they laid there, face to face, both propped up on one elbow, talking for at least another hour. 

JJ let out a great yawn, and Dee realized that he was sleepy as well. They got into more comfortable positions and JJ tentatively snuggled up to Dee, curling into his side and resting his head atop his chest. His fingers drew lazy circles on the flesh there, and Dee chuckled at the slightly ticklish sensation. 

"I love you, Dee." JJ hadn't really meant to say it…but it had been swelling in him and he couldn't leave without letting it out. 

"You know…" Dee took a moment, thinking of his words. "…I think…no…I…I lo–"

JJ twisted around at lightning speed, slamming his hand down over Dee's mouth. "Don't say it…please. Let's just…go to sleep, okay?"

Dee nodded, with JJ's hand still on his lips. He was surprised and suspicious…but figured that it could wait until morning. JJ settled back down and in minutes they both drifted off to sleep. 

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TBC

Okay. 

I know I said Ryo got to fume in this chapter…well…I lied. This ended up waaay longer than I had intended…so that'll have to be *next* chapter. I know Ryo got very little time in this, it just ended up that way. I wanted to be a bit more detailed with Dee and JJ's last night. The next one is very much Dee/Ryo centric though. So read it…please. 

Sorry this took so long (comparatively). And thanks for all the great reviews! Keep em coming. 

The next chapter will be soon. I only work Sunday and Tuesday this coming week, so I shouldn't have a problem with it. 

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	18. Father Forgive Me

Disclaimer: I don't own them…I just *play* with them.   
  
A/N: Not really many notes for up here. Just thanks for all the reviews and please please keep them coming. We're in the home stretch now. This is the first of the final 3 (or 4…as the length of one is a bit iffy).   
  
There are more notes at the bottom. Please read and review.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 16……….Father Forgive Me…   
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_'Orgasmic.'_   
  
That was the only word Dee Laytner could think of to describe that first stretch of the morning – eyes unfocused and muscles screaming their release from slumber. It was a feeling unattainable by any other means, and he made sure it was enjoyed thoroughly; curling his fingers languidly and rolling his fists around as they grazed the headboard above him.   
  
It didn't take him long to remember where he was this time, or what had gone on the night before. It brought a smile to his face – the simplicity of it all. It was an odd hybrid of comfortable domesticity and electrifying newness. The butterflies that welled in the pit of his stomach were similar to the feeling of first dates and stolen kisses; yet somehow maintaining a sense of security, as though they'd done the same a million nights before.   
  
He wasn't surprised that it was nearly noon; he'd always been known to sleep late if given the opportunity. Acknowledging the late hour, he didn't wonder why the bed was empty beside him, or why the sheets on the other side lacked warmth. JJ must've gone to work.   
  
Dee wiped the sleep from his eyes, noting the pleasant feel of such an action. He laid there for a moment, debating on whether or not to just lie around JJ's house all day again. The apartment was…cheerier than his own, not to mention twice the size…if not more. The subject remained on his mind as he crawled from beneath the covers and blindly made his way into the bathroom to empty his bladder.   
  
Hung upon the wall he was currently facing (and would be for quite some time, according to his bladder) he stared into a painting. It wasn't a real painting; just a framed print, but Dee appreciated the aestheticism anyway. The artist was familiar to him, though he couldn't remember the guy's name if his life had depended on it. He wasn't sure from where…but he'd seen this painting before. 'Swans Reflecting Elephants' he thought it was called. His mind dredged up other images from the same artist whose name continued to elude him. He'd never liked his style – surreal, with distorted images and dreamlike visions. Dee preferred art to be more pragmatic; he wanted to see an image as it *was*, see the function of it, not deluded by an artist's idealistic sense of what *should* be. He had enough metaphysical drabble going on in his head without adding the question of 'and what does this mean?' every time he looked at 'art'. Of course, he knew he hadn't much room to judge since he was certain he would be as skilled with a paintbrush as a monkey would with his gun. He wondered why JJ hung the painting there. Did he like it so much he wanted to see it every morning while relieving himself? Had he placed it there to be thought provoking? If so…it worked. It wasn't profound or insightful thought…but it was deeper than the "………." Dee was used to five minutes after waking up.   
  
The walk to the toilet made known a slight headache; it wasn't very painful, just a dull ache that he would've preferred to be rid of. He found that sometimes when he'd smoked an excessive amount the night before (which, for Dee, would be somewhere near the equivalent of the amount of nicotine needed to kill an elephant) he would be afflicted with a minor throb in his temples. He padded into the kitchen, wincing a little as his bare feet made contact with cold tile. He automatically went towards the medicine cabinet to see what JJ might've had for a headache. There were many bottles of assorted colors – mostly just different brands of simple pain relievers. He noticed a bottle of Midol and quirked a brow, mentally noting to ask JJ about that one later.   
  
He didn't think on it too long, knowing that there was simply no way JJ had entertained any women. He imagined the silver haired man would sooner bite off his own tongue…maybe he had female friends? Dee realized how much he still did not know about the man who was slowly but surely plowing his way into his life. It wasn't as though he minded…hell…he hadn't even noticed what JJ had been up to until it hit him smack in the face…and now, he couldn't find himself to feel anything but grateful. The train of thought reminded Dee of his conviction the previous night: to learn more about JJ's illness so that he could better accommodate to it. JJ had a computer; maybe he would look it up while he had his coffee. Suddenly something occurred to him – where were JJ's pills? The transparent yellow bottle that usually sat upfront was nowhere to be seen. Dee found this odd, especially when he remembered how JJ acted just before they fell asleep.   
  
As his teeth began to unknowingly chew on the already ragged and short nails of his left hand, he told himself to remember Ockham's razor – that the simplest answer is usually the correct one. JJ was most likely just running late and took his pills to work with him. With that thought in mind, but still a little spooked, Dee decided to head to his own home to shower and change. Then he would go to the station and make sure everything was all right. The thought that maybe they could have lunch crossed his mind and temporarily lifted the uneasiness stirring within him.   
  
************************************   
  
Ryo knew he should've reported to work, since he was no longer leaving. Rose *had* given him the day off though…and now he had to unpack. He'd let Bikky take the day off school as well, but kept him restricted to the house, not wanting him to over excite himself.   
  
As Ryo's hands reached into the few boxes he had packed, he thought about how pleased he was that he could put all of his things back where they belonged. He had chosen only a few knick knacks to bring along with him, to remind him of home. As he began to place them back into their rightful spots, something struck him. This wasn't a time for putting everything back to the way it had been before.   
  
This was a time for something new.   
  
Ryo wasn't sure just what his life had in store for him anymore. But he was sure that no matter what, things were going to be different. *He* was different…or maybe he wasn't…maybe things were just…clearer.   
  
With this thought in mind, Ryo found himself rearranging his entire apartment – moving furniture around and (gasp) changing the order of things. It did give the obsessive compulsive in him a little twitch to see things in such disarray as he worked, but Ryo pushed on, wanting…needing…some right of passage like change to mark the revolution he was no doubt going to experience in the future.   
  
*****************************************   
  
Dee's apartment greeted him as it always did – with silent nothingness. The furniture was haggard at best, and it was freezing, since he hadn't been home or had the heat on in nearly two days. His mailbox had been quite full. He tossed the various envelopes onto the counter, not particularly caring about such matters at the moment. He knew most of them were either bills or junk mail…he never got mail from anyone else. And why would he? He had no friends…not really. He had no family. With a snort, he eyed the mail again with contempt, as though it alone was responsible for his generally lonely existence.   
  
He'd left the sleeping pants at JJ's, thinking that he might need them again and it would be good to know they were there. He hadn't bothered with his belt or the buttons of his shirt before slipping out and heading home. Feeling that he should get to the station sometime soon if he wanted lunch to be a possibility, he toed off his shoes and socks, heading for the shower. En route he managed to shed the rest of his clothing and snatch a towel off the stack he kept sitting on the floor by the bathroom. He didn't have much closet space, and kept most of his things in folded piles…they were just going to end up on the floor anyway.   
  
He'd always hated that – that he couldn't be tidier. He'd tried…god knows he tried…but it never seemed to suit him. He wasn't a slob, he just…couldn't ever seem to keep things organized and pristine, the way Ryo did. He knew that Ryo didn't like his apartment either, but for entirely different reasons than his own. He could see the uneasiness on the Asian man's face when he stepped inside Dee's slightly chaotic world – like the disorder made his skin crawl. He never mentioned it, of course, other than a joking chide now and then. No…Ryo was simply too polite for that. It was both endearing and annoying, Dee thought. Although that anal retentive side to Ryo could be a pain in the neck, it was something that characterized him, made him who he was. However, there was still a part of Dee that couldn't get over being offended. It wasn't as though he lived like a sloth…so *what* if there were three glasses in the sink, or (god forbid) a wet towel on the bathroom floor.   
  
Jesus…were there not more important things in life? And just who the fuck was he supposed to be organized for anyway? He didn't have parties; he didn't bring home dates…and sometimes he felt so worn out that he only had one thought about the dishes – *fuck* the dishes.   
  
After his internal rant, Dee realized that the shower was ready. He didn't really remember turning the water on, or adjusting the temperature, but apparently he had – his body on autopilot. With a chuckle, he wished he could do that on command – just slip out of awareness and let his body take over. He realized that might not have been such a great idea knowing his temper…as it would've resulted in a few dead people, most likely.   
  
He remembered the day the orphanage was bombed and how very close he'd been to killing the man responsible. Such a reaction could've been expected, even sympathized with…but…it hadn't been the first time he felt that way. They were few and far between, but Dee could remember other times when he *knew* he could have taken a life. It scared him. It was never unprovoked, and most likely not undeserved either, but it was *there* and he hated it. People had called him 'hot-headed' or 'temperamental'. No. He certainly was both…but the word 'volatile' seemed more appropriate. To everyone else, it seemed as though Dee had 'triumphed over adversity' or some other trite bullshit…but it wasn't that simple. Sure, he could've done a lot worse; he could've ended up a criminal or been dead before he saw twenty one…but for everything he overcame in his life, there was something else – some unfairness staring back at him, taunting him with what he never had, but never telling him *why*. There had always been *something* wrong with him, apparently…something he couldn't see, but kept him from ever being good enough for anyone else.   
  
Most children have the luxury of remembering their first lesson in life to be along the lines of 'love conquers all'…Dee's first lesson was 'life isn't fair'. He knew how ineffectual it was to dwell on all the things he didn't have…but that kind of anger, that kind of spite for God and the world doesn't go away. It infects…like a virus….attaching itself to every fiber of your being until it becomes a part of you. He'd learned to live with it, as one would a chronic illness.   
  
He believed in God. He wasn't sure whether he had faith in him or not, as faith implies trust, but he *knew* that God was *there*. Having been brought up a devout Catholic, it wasn't until he was fifteen that he questioned his deity. Sometimes he thought that God was more like a puppet master, making his marionettes dance through life. And he always ended up wondering why so many of his strings were broken. They'd snapped, one by one, unable to withstand the strain of Dee's struggle to break away and determine his own path. The trouble was, with each snap, he felt unbelievable grief; and realized that the saying was true – hell was the absence of God, be it on earth or elsewhere. He needed people, needed stability. He'd been limping along, hanging on by only a thread for far too long. It seemed that everyone he leaned on broke under the pressure as well, and Dee was getting weary. Did *no one* have enough faith to help him mend his frayed and broken twine? Jess hadn't been able to bear it, nor had Ryo. He wondered if JJ would be up for the task. Maybe he would…maybe it was easier for *two* people with broken strings to support each other. Dee felt like darkness would be clawing up to him soon and his wooden fingers scraped ineffectually for some sort of purchase…someone to save him.   
  
Unsure just where his dark mood had originated, Dee washed himself clean, feeling sweat and sin slide along his skin and down the drain. He would put it out of his mind for the time being. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment, letting the water cascade over his features, and puffed out a silent "we'll finish this later".   
  
****************************************   
  
Ryo looked around at his 'new' apartment. It was going to take some getting used to…like many things. Bikky had come out of his room half-way through and quirked a brow at Ryo, asking if he was okay. He had reassured him and sent him back into his room to rest.   
  
He'd decided to go to the station and see Dee…not to mention he had a few words for Commissioner Rose. Bikky assured him that he would be fine if left alone, so Ryo showered and got dressed. He had been just about to walk out the door when he remembered JJ's envelope. Fishing it out of a drawer, he couldn't quell the curiosity to know what it contained. There were no markings on it, and Dee would never know if he just put everything back into another envelope afterwards. Nosiness wasn't a common characteristic of his, but he couldn't stand not knowing what it was JJ wanted to tell Dee. He respected the man's privacy, but couldn't seem to overcome his own human nature. He flipped it over, intent on pulling it open when his eyes met something not often seen anymore – a wax seal. Ryo stilled…he could still change the envelope, but JJ had obviously put the seal there for a reason. He most likely put a reference to it in the letter as well…and then Dee would know. He could simply 'forget' about it…and never give it to Dee…but JJ *would* be back at some point and if Dee ever found out, he was sure there would be hell to pay. Ryo cursed internally…damn JJ and his forethought!   
  
With a grumble, he shoved it into his pocket and headed out the door. When he reached the station, he saw Dee heading inside himself. He wasn't dressed for work, in a sweater and pair of jeans, and had a determined look on his face. He seemed preoccupied, hopping up the stairs without even noticing Ryo to his left. Before the other man could get inside, Ryo called his name and he turned in response.   
  
"Ryo? Why aren't you at work?"   
  
Ryo blinked. That hadn't really been the warm greeting he was looking for. "Well, I took the day to unpack. I wanted to stop by though; I wasn't sure whether or not you would come in after JJ left."   
  
Dee shook his head. "What? What are you talking about?"   
  
_'Oh shit'_ was all that coursed through Ryo's brain. It was obvious Dee had no idea about what had gone on between he and JJ, or about JJ's move.   
  
He tried to think quickly. "Nothing…um…I see you're not working either. Do you want to get lunch or something?"   
  
Dee walked back down a few steps. "No…how about you tell me what the hell is going on."   
  
Ryo sighed…this wasn't going to be fun. But Dee was going to find out eventually…he might as well hear it from him. "Look…I thought you knew…I thought JJ told you."   
  
Dee was getting fed up with Ryo's vagueness. "Knew *what*, Ryo?"   
  
"Rose…he…was going to have me transferred for nine months. That's what I wanted to talk to you about the other night…but then you told me about JJ…and…well, JJ found out about it and took my place."   
  
Eyes wide, Dee gripped the hand rail for support. Ryo looked on, cautiously. Dee didn't show any emotion yet, just letting the facts sink in.   
  
"Why?"   
  
That stung. Some part of Ryo had expected Dee to shout for joy and scoop him up, their relationship now free of obstacles. He took a deep breath, preparing for the plunge. "JJ found out…he found out that I told you I didn't want you because I was leaving so he went to Rose…so we could…"   
  
Ryo saw the knuckles of Dee's hand go white as he gripped the railing harder. Ryo's words about wanting him registered, but took a back seat to the rest of the news. He could think about that later. "Let me get this straight. *You* sent me off to JJ because you thought you were leaving. Then *JJ* went off to god knows where so you wouldn't have to. And *Rose* did all of this to get me away from you in the first place? Am I on the right track, Ryo?"   
  
Ryo timidly nodded…and waited.   
  
"And NOBODY thought it pertinent to inform ME about any of this?!" Dee yelled, flailing his hands around in frustration.   
  
"Dee! I…I didn't…I mean…"   
  
Ryo didn't get a chance to finish before Dee turned and stormed into the precinct. Ryo knew exactly where he was headed…and it wasn't going to be pretty.   
  
*******************************************   
  
Berkeley Rose stepped away from the blinds in his office. He'd witnessed the scene on the steps and had no doubt that Dee was headed up to see him. He could only imagine what the hot-headed detective had in store…this could be interesting.   
  
He sat down and waited patiently, expecting the door to burst open at any moment. He was surprised, however, when instead it opened almost silently and Dee Laytner quietly stepped inside. He closed the door with the same lack of enthusiasm and Rose heard the lock click into place. He quirked a brow at the brooding man, leaning back in his chair.   
  
"I take it you have something to say, Laytner."   
  
Dee advanced on him. His voice was tight and controlled. "Damn right I do. I want to know why. I want to know why you took it upon yourself to just tinker around in everyone's lives for your own amusement."   
  
Rose smirked at him. "That's fairly simple – because I *can*."   
  
There was silence for a moment. Rose observed Dee as his mouth fell open and closed again at the blatant remark. With another smug smile, Rose swiveled in his chair to fully face the shocked detective. He steepled his fingers in front of him. "I don't understand why you're so upset, in any case. Is it because you weren't told? Or is it because, for some ridiculous reason, you seem to have *two* people that want to make you happy?"   
  
Dee found that his vocal chords were on strike. Between the shock of it all and the turgid anger inside him he couldn't find any words. He needed air, and a cigarette…he needed to get *out* of that office. Without another word, he turned and started for the door.   
  
When Dee's back was to him, Rose opened his mouth to speak again. "You're not worthy of such attention, Laytner…if you're worth any at all. Yet still you act like the simian you are."   
  
Dee stopped. "What the fuck did you say to me?"   
  
Rose felt his lips curl again. "Are three syllables too much for you?"   
  
The Commissioner was aware that Dee was strong. He was not, however, aware that he was *fast*. Before he knew it, Dee turned around and leapt across his desk, ripping him from his chair and pinning him against the wall. He would've retaliated, if it weren't for Dee's forearm cutting off his air supply and nearly crushing his windpipe.   
  
"You think I'm a fucking monkey? Is that it? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PLAY GOD?!?"   
  
Rose couldn't answer, and instead began gasping for air. The door began to shake as Ryo banged his fists against it, screaming for Dee to let him in from the other side. After another gasp from his superior, Dee stepped back, and Rose fell to his knees, rubbing at his throat.   
  
"I'll….have your…badge…for…this…" he managed to wheeze out.   
  
Dee took out his badge and slammed it onto the surface of the desk. "Take it."   
  
As soon as he unlocked the door, Ryo flew into the room. His eyes went huge when he saw Rose still on his knees with his glasses askew. He looked from Rose to Dee and back again. When he opened his mouth to speak, Dee brushed past him, storming through the halls. Ryo stood for a second, debating on what to do. Rose gasped out his name and held his hand out, signaling for Ryo to help him. Instead, Ryo took off after Dee.   
  
He didn't catch up to him until they were again outside, and Dee seemed immune to his name being called. Ryo reached out and grabbed his arm, causing Dee to spin around and rip it away from him. He softened, although only marginally, when he saw Ryo's concerned face.   
  
"Dee…just stop…just…calm down, all right?"   
  
To Ryo's surprise, Dee laughed. "Calm? You want me to be *calm*? Would you be calm, Ryo?"   
  
Ryo tried to keep his voice gentle, and comforting. "I know you're upset…but…what you did in there…Dee…that's serious. He could have you fired for it…"   
  
Dee laughed again. It was a hearty laugh, and it echoed into the grey sky as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. After a moment, the laugh died and his voice was serious again. "Do I look like I care, Ryo?"   
  
When Ryo didn't answer, he raised his voice to a shout. "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?"   
  
"N…no…" Ryo managed to stammer out.   
  
"My whole fucking *life* has been falling down around my ears and I'm the LAST to know about it!" Dee's focus shifted from Ryo to the sky and several people stopped what they were doing when he started yelling again, seemingly at no one.   
  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT, HUH? DO I ONLY GET ANYTHING SO YOU CAN TAKE IT AWAY? IS IT FUNNY? AM I A JESTER TO YOU?"   
  
Ryo couldn't let the situation elevate any more than it already had. Once the other officers inside realized what was going on, they were going to come out and slap some handcuffs on his partner…which wouldn't help matters at all. Seeing no other option he crept up behind Dee and put him in a hold, but kept his voice calm and soothing.   
  
"Dee…we've got to get out of here, okay? Just calm down…you're an officer. We're going to step into that alley and talk, okay? I can't let you go until you calm down."   
  
With a great, heaving sigh, Dee loosened, and Ryo released him. He glanced around nervously before pulling Dee aside and into the alley beside the building. When they were safe from prying eyes, Ryo wrapped his arms around Dee's neck tightly.   
  
"Don't *ever* scare me like that again, okay?"   
  
He felt Dee nod against him and they separated. Dee immediately fished out a cigarette and started sucking down the smoke like he'd never breathe again. "I'm sorry…I…it's just…"   
  
Ryo cupped his cheek in his palm. "I know. I wanted to tell you…but I couldn't…and I thought JJ was going to…" Ryo suddenly remembered the envelope in his pocket. "Here" he started, handing it to Dee "JJ said he wanted you to have this. I…don't know what it is…"   
  
Dee took the thick packet and looked at it briefly. Nothing was said between them for a long moment.   
  
Finally, Ryo decided he needed to say what he came to say. "Listen, Dee…I want you to know…I…think this can be a good thing. I want to try…with us…for there to *be* an us…I want…"   
  
Dee pushed off the wall he had been leaning on, moving toward Ryo and placing a finger over his lips. "You don't know how long I've waited to hear that…but…I need some time…I need to think, all right?"   
  
Ryo had been worried about this. He didn't want Dee to think…he wanted to stop all the thinking, damnit. But if Dee said he needed it…he did. He had no choice but to relent. He felt Dee pull him forward and place a tiny kiss to his forehead.   
  
Dee took another deep, deep breath and started to head out of the alley. Ryo called after him.   
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
Dee managed a smile for his former partner. "There's someone I need to talk to. I'll come to your place when I'm done, okay?"   
  
Ryo nodded and watched Dee leave. He had something he needed to do as well. Gathering his courage he headed back inside and up to the Commissioner's office.   
  
*******************************************   
TBC   
  
OKAY, THAT WAS….no no…okay…much better. All that yelling…heh…hard to stop. Anyways, that was a doozy, no?   
  
This was the most fun I've had writing a chapter in a while. I always love it when someone is assaulted. O_o   
  
I know JJ wasn't in this chapter, but he is *not* gone. Well…he is gone…but we're not through with him. So don't dismiss him just yet.   
  
Anyhoo…next chapter we have the envelope and Dee's conversation with ? Can you guess…most likely, you can. Also, the motivation behind Ryo's and JJ's actions will be a little clearer to him next chapter…after he's had time to cool off. I'll try to have it up soon, my lovelies.   
  
Please please please review and let me know how this came out. I always get worried about the heavy chapters.   
  
Love and Kisses,   
  
Reika


	19. Somebody kill me, please

Okay…people. Sorry to give you an author's note. But I kind of have to. Remember that sinus infection I told you about? Well…I thought it was gone…but no. Thanksgiving morning, I wake up in tears because my ear is hurting me *so* goddamn bad. With it being a holiday, I was just going to have to suffer through it…until my eardrum ruptured. Went *back* to the frickin hospital, and have more crazy drugs to take. 

I usually write, no matter what…but I'm afraid I can't until this crap clears up. Not only am I disoriented with a fever, but the pain is so f*cking unbearable, that I might actually kill someone. I will never make fun of a screaming little kid w/an earache again. When the pain is lessened by the drugs, I get loopy. Not to mention violently ill (Narcotic pain relievers do that to me). And since it's my inner ear that's messed up (w/a busted eardrum…and my goddamn heartbeat in my ear), my stomach is messed up, as is my equilibrium. 

So yeah…very, very ill. I'm terribly sorry, but not taking care of the infection the first time around is what brought this on. I'm afraid I'm not going to be updating until this crap goes away. It's taken me an hour to write this and get it right, so a chapter might kill me. 

I only hope it's gone within the week. 

My apologies, 

Reika

P.S. no, the pairing has not been revealed. Please stick with me, I'll be back, I *promise*.


	20. Love?

Disclaimer: I do not own them, and if you try to sue me, I'll bite my own tongue off and bleed to death, just to spite you. 

A/N: Well what do you know…she's back. She shouldn't be…but she is. Seriously people, I should kick my own ass for being out here at the computer, but with only two more chapters and an epilogue to go…I couldn't sit still. 

My fever's gone, for now, so at least I can focus…although that heartbeat in the ear thing is driving me crazy. I guess I should let the proverbial cat out of the bag, because it's bound to come up again in the future. I'm sure you've noticed that this whole sick thing has been going on for a month. I have systemic lupus. For those that don't know, it's an autoimmune disease. Basically, instead of my immune system being weak (as I originally thought), it overbuilds itself and my antibodies can't distinguish disease from self, so they attack me instead of germs. Most people think that it always results in death, and it does sometimes, but that's usually only the cases where the kidneys are involved and my kidneys seem to be fine. If I take care of myself (and stop smoking two packs of cigarettes a day…I'm an artist…lol it comes with the territory), it's not fatal, and I should live a normal healthy life…but people with lupus generally just don't handle infections so well. I'm currently having a flare up, and it could last anywhere from a couple months to a year before I go back into remission. It's quite annoying actually. I'll be fine for months on end, and then sick for months. I've been kind of lucky that this has just been a string of minor things (unlike when I had pneumonia three frickin times in one year), but I plan to write many, many more stories and there may be times when updates seem very, very far away. So bear with me, if and when that happens, please. 

Wow…bet that's more than you ever wanted to know about me, huh? I just felt like I should explain, in case of future occurrence and because I was so moved by all the get well reviews I got. Thanks you guys…it meant a lot. 

This is the next to last chapter (not including the epilogue, which will be posted with the last chapter)…so I'm having issues. I get very attached to my stories and I'm sure when this is over, I'll cry like the little bitch I am. But let's not worry about that for now, hmm? 

Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews, both on the last chapter and on my author's note. I was very pleased to see so many first time reviewers, keep it up…and without further ado…I bring you chapter seventeen….

Chapter 17……..Love?

*************************

Ryo stood face to face with the Commissioner's door. He didn't bother knocking, as he thought it might give the other man a false sense of superiority. Rose looked startled when he entered, but it didn't take Ryo long to realize that the older man was pleased to see him. 

He shouldn't have been. 

Rose sat down at his desk, obviously trying to look laid back; but such things were difficult with an angry red mark across one's throat. He eyed Ryo closely for a moment before leaning back and smiling at the blonde detective.

"Come to your senses, Ryo?"

Ryo willed his voice to stay calm; this was never going to work if he didn't keep a cool head. "I did…but I don't see what that has to do with you."

Rose quirked a brow; he always loved Ryo's defiant and feisty moments. "Well I take it you have something to say, then?"

Ryo dug his nails into his palms, certain he was piercing flesh. As angry as Ryo was, Rose was quite intimidating. Luckily, he knew the Commissioner couldn't see his fists from where he sat, and his voice remained calm and stern. "I do. You can get Dee into trouble if you want; what he did certainly warrants it…however…an in depth investigation *will* show why he attacked you, and that you have plenty of wrong doing here as well. I know J…Detective Adams had something on you, otherwise you wouldn't have consented to sending him in my place – to an assignment you falsely made me believe was mandatory. He and I may not get along, but I can promise you that we'll play on the same team to make sure that if Dee goes down, you go with him."

"I see." Rose replied curtly. Inside, he was seething at having three of his subordinates get the better of him. The tricks they were pulling were normally his forte, and although he found this side of Ryo incredibly alluring, he could never stand to let *anyone* get the best of him. Before he could add anything, Ryo drew closer to his desk and continued. 

"I thought you should know that. You're a good cop, Commissioner, if you wouldn't screw it up by thinking you're above the law." He picked up Dee's badge where it rested from their earlier confrontation. "I'll be taking this, if you don't mind."

Rose didn't have much chance to protest, as Ryo was headed for the door. He stopped, however, and turned back one last time. "I'd like to tell you that no one wants you here, and that you should leave…but personally…I don't care whether you stay or go…that is how inconsequential you are to me. You *don't* matter…and you never will."

With that, Ryo stepped out of the office, slamming the door behind him. His heart beat madly in his chest and he looked down to notice that his hands were shaking. Telling Rose off had been a stressful thing to do…but he did it…and he did it well. He found himself smiling at his assertiveness. It had been…unfamiliar…but not uncomfortable. Maybe there was more to him than even he knew. 

With a smile and a mental pat on the back, Ryo headed home to wait for Dee's return from…wherever he had gone. 

**********************************************

Dee realized after what felt like days of walking that he probably should have gotten his car. He had been so worked up though, that he just started marching off. Besides…in his state he would have most likely been considered a hazard on the road anyway. He was thankful that he had his coat, as it was getting colder every day. 

Pulling the heavy fabric around him, he forced himself to keep walking; he was almost there, after all. 

With the passing scenery, his thoughts began to wander. How had all this happened? Right under his nose, no less. How could he not have known…was he really as dim witted as people thought? Eventually he realized that, although he might have noticed had he been looking for something, the fault didn't lie with his logic processing capabilities. He hadn't known because the people he loved made a conscious effort to keep him in the dark. 

The last part made him scowl. He could easily understand why Rose would do such a thing; but Ryo and JJ? He couldn't, for the life of him, comprehend why the two people he cared about most in the world would play with his life like that; as though what *he* wanted didn't matter. A part of his mind chimed in and told him to think of how they must've felt; that it hadn't been easy on anyone. It told him that he was a lucky man to have two people who loved him enough to do what they thought was best for him, in spite of what they, themselves, wanted. 

Still, most of him couldn't get over being deceived. He was confused enough as it was; how was he supposed to figure anything out if no one told him the truth? 

Although he'd been rather gentle with Ryo in the alley, he still had some griping to do to his former partner, and some less than nice things to get off his chest. And JJ – Dee thought that when he got his hands on him they would have words as well. 

But wait…

Dee stopped mid-stride as the reality of the situation came down around his ears. JJ was gone. They wouldn't have words. He couldn't yell at him, or ask him why he'd done such a stupid, noble thing without consulting him. The normally chipper silver haired man wouldn't be relaxing in his living room, or fluttering around him at the station.

JJ was gone. 

The thought seemed sadder than he'd expected it to, and a feeling that could only be described as grief swept over him. He then remembered Ryo's confession earlier. JJ had gone because he knew that Ryo returned Dee's feelings…at least…part of them. The new thought did bring a jolt of happiness to him…but…strangely, the grief remained. Wasn't this what he wanted? A life with a willing Ryo, free of obstacles and unconquerable complications? If that was the case…why didn't it feel…right? It felt right…but not…perfect…as he'd always expected it to. 

Perhaps he was making too much of things. Nothing was perfect, after all. And he'd built up his situation with Ryo so high over the last two years that the actual culmination here in the real world was bound to seem…anticlimactic. His thoughts would have to rest momentarily, as he had reached his destination. He wasn't sure when he had started walking again…but there he was. Maybe things would seem a bit clearer after this much needed consultation. 

************************************************

JJ sighed tiredly. After six hours of driving, a mass of paperwork and explaining that he was *not* Randy McLean and did *not* have a child, he was exhausted. He'd opted to drive himself upstate, assuming he would need his car during the nine month stretch. 

The place intended for Ryo had been specialized to accommodate Bikky as well, so upon finding out that he was (disgustingly) alone, the organizing officers placed him in the temporary hotel with the rest of the staff until further arrangements could be made. JJ was just happy to be off the road; six hours in a car could do worse things to a bum than even the naughtiest of trysts. Well…maybe not the naughtiest…but the average at the very least. 

He hauled his suitcase onto the bed, and followed it onto the semi-scratchy bedspread immediately. He thought vaguely of his own bed, how fluffy and soft it was, and how large. He smiled, thinking that it seemed even more comfortable when Dee was in it, nestled quietly beside him. He wondered how the object of his affection was faring – Dee had to know by now that he was gone; had to know all about the situation. JJ couldn't help but wonder if Dee missed him, though he couldn't possibly match the pining JJ himself felt at that moment. Soon his thoughts progressed and he wondered if Dee was mad at him. He would have every right to be, JJ mused. He wondered if Dee would look at his choice not to inform him of the move and the circumstances surrounding it as outright lying, and if Dee would never trust him again. He certainly hoped that was not the case. 

Maybe Dee would understand his reasons. He'd tried to explain them as thoroughly as possible in his letter to the other detective. Hopefully Ryo would keep his word and give the envelope to Dee. He had his doubts, but knew that Ryo was an honorable man, and most likely would follow through with his promise. JJ wondered if Dee had even opened the small package yet, and what his thoughts were on its contents. He had to quell the urge to call the other man, knowing that Dee most likely didn't want to talk to him; not to mention the fact that hearing Dee's voice would undoubtedly be his undoing and the tears he'd kept at bay throughout his journey would make their way to the surface. 

With a resigned sigh, JJ rolled over and unzipped his suitcase. He had to unpack sometime, and it was best to just get it over with so he could settle in for a nap. He wasn't very vigilant about housework, or such things as making sure the unpacking was done before anything else could take place, but felt that the longer he delayed taking out his things, the more tempted he would be to just throw the suitcase back into his car and drive home. He was generally neat, but not uptight about it…although he had been known to gripe at former roommates for their sloppiness. But really…sixty-seven beer cans in one room; who wouldn't put their foot down?

He lazily listened to the long buzz of the zipper as he opened the case, and forced himself to rise and stand by the bed to put his things away. Resting on top of the clothing was his prized picture, as bittersweet as it was. He had to admit that at times he'd been sorely tempted to take a magic marker and just scribble Ryo's face out like a child would in a yearbook. He'd always restrained himself though…he knew it was silly and figured he would berate himself for it later. Besides…even if Ryo's image had been blackened and marred…he would still be there, and JJ's childish efforts would do no good. 

Nothing he did ever seemed to do much good. 

Perhaps this time would be different; perhaps his recent decision would do worlds good…even if was for everyone but himself. 

************************************************

Dee found a grudging smile for Thomas as the less than polite street kid came bounding up to him. He wrapped his dirty arms around Dee's legs in a hug, but jerked them away shortly after, replacing his 'tough guy' face. 

"What're you doin' here, Dee? It ain't a holiday."

Dee had to push down the urge to correct the boy's grammar. His own wasn't perfect, but perhaps Ryo was rubbing off on him; the way he would scold Bikky for his overuse of slang. "I'm looking for the Penguin. Can you tell me where she is, buddy?"

"If you're looking for penguins, I suggest you check Antarctica. *Mother*, however, is right behind you."

Dee spun around at the old nun's voice. Although she'd reprimanded him, her face was as warm as ever. She immediately wrapped him in a hug, glad to see one of her favorites from many years of raising wayward children. After gracing Thomas with a stern look that clearly said 'behave', she ushered Dee into another room so that they could talk. 

The new location was nicer than the last, although that didn't say much. Dee sat quietly while his mother put on some tea. He wasn't sure where to begin, or exactly what it was he had come to say, so he figured they could catch up and eventually it would come to him. This wouldn't be the case, however, as Maria Lane was incredibly perceptive. 

"What's bothering you, then?"

With a sigh, Dee tried to gather his thoughts. "A lot of stuff…a whole lot of stuff…"

Having prepared the tea, Penguin sat down across from him and smiled kindly. "Well then, why don't you just start at the beginning."

After what seemed like hours, Dee recounted his last few months with both Ryo and JJ, occasionally going off on tangents until the nun would gently lead him back on topic. Eventually he finished, recounting the events from earlier that day. He heaved a great sigh and rested his chin in his hand. 

"It can't be right to love two people…there's gotta be something I'm missing."

To Dee's surprise, she chuckled. "Missing?" She took his chin in her hand and looked into his green eyes. "Dear, you aren't missing anything. You should never feel bad about having too much love…some people have none at all."

Penguin's words soothed him, but he was still no closer to finding an answer. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Ryo the way I do…but…I can't get JJ out of my head. With either one of them, the other is always going to be there."

The nun smiled again, taking a sip of her tea. "It's okay to love a person forever, even if you aren't really with them. People seem to think that everyone in our lives has to fit into one category or another, but love defies definition. You love everyone in a different, special way. There's no such thing as romantic or platonic love, I think. True love is both. Whichever path you choose, it's *okay* to continue to love others."

This was the sticky part. Dee had discussed many things bluntly with his mother, but had not done so in quite some time. "See…before all this secret keeping, I thought I had everything figured out. But now I don't, and I've done some things that bring…complications. JJ…I was…intimate with him."

"And you regret this?"

"No." Dee answered simply. "I don't, but…now I feel like I've betrayed Ryo somehow. I can't shake it…like I've been unfaithful…it's not guilt, really…it's just…something…"

Penguin moved her chair closer to her former ward, so that she could reach out a hand and place it over his chest. Dee could never get over how soft her hands were, considering the hard work she'd done for most of her life. "Dee, the only real infidelity can occur here." She pat her hand over his heart. "You aren't a married man; you've made no vows before god. So long as you are true to this, you'll do just fine, child."

Dee smiled, feeling some weight being lifted from his shoulders. He didn't regret his night with JJ, not in his heart. Maybe she was right. It made sense that he would feel as though he'd committed some sort of adultery, after being devoted solely to Ryo for so long. But where it mattered, he knew better. After Penguin removed her hand, he leaned back in his chair, a little more at ease. "Thank you. It's just that…I still don't know what to do. Everything keeps switching from resting solely on me, and then spinning out of my control. I just…don't know."

She chuckled again. "You're not supposed to. Life wouldn't be worth living if it were easy or we knew how everything would turn out. I know it's cliché, but God works in mysterious ways."

Dee sighed at the mention of the man upstairs. "I know, mother…but sometimes I think that maybe God just…forgot about me. Maybe I just slipped through the cracks and he doesn't even know I'm here. Other times I feel like I'm just a puppet, being led. All the strings that attach me to God keep snapping and I can't help but wonder why it's so hard for me to stay connected and not for everyone else…why *so* much has been put on my back…"

Penguin smiled, her eyes forming little crescent moons surrounded by creases in her skin – the result of a long life full of devotion to others. She looked a little sad as she gripped Dee's face again, looking deeply into his eyes until she knew she had his undivided attention. "Dee…don't you realize? God loves you very much; how could he not? I know you've been through more than most, but dear; God places so much on your shoulders because you are so strong." She signaled for him to stand and move to the window. They looked out together, at the children playing and laughing in the courtyard. "You carry that weight for them, for all of us. It's the chosen few like you that keep the rest of us sheltered and safe. The burdens of the world are inescapable; and God gives us angels like you so that we can know what it is to truly be strong." 

He turned and hugged her then, unable to keep his emotions in check. He towered over her, nearly twice the size of the older woman. She returned the embrace, humming slightly and patting him on the back. After that, they finished their tea and chatted about many things. Penguin was unconventional, for a nun, but Dee supposed raising underprivileged children in New York would change a person quite a bit. Although her views didn't exactly fit right in with the Pope's, his mother was the most benevolent soul he'd ever known, and her wisdom never failed to teach him something new. 

He thought that just maybe he *had* been blessed. Although he didn't have the picket fences or sweetly embossed memories of learning such things as how to catch a ball or ride a bike that most children take for granted, he had something else – something different; and he realized that he wouldn't change it for the world. Dee noticed that it had gotten dark, and realized he had quite a walk ahead of him before he would reach his car. He thanked her again, and after a visit with the kids, set out into the cool winter air. 

He smoked like a chimney on the walk back, craving the nicotine after such a stressful day. He never smoked around Penguin, out of respect, and after several hours without, he needed his vice badly. During his trek, he thought of many things – his life, his god, JJ, and Ryo. His conscience had been cleared considerably, yet he still couldn't figure out what it was he should do. He had feelings – confusing, tumultuous feelings that swirled all through him, but denied him any real clarity. 

He didn't think he and Ryo could have a decent conversation while he was in such a state. He needed more time. It was apparent to him now that his problem didn't just lie with JJ and Ryo, but more within himself. Knowing what he wanted went beyond simply choosing one person over the other. To know what it was he really wanted, what he needed and what would make him *happy*, he had to let go – let go of the notion that he was supposed to be just like everyone else in spite of his shortcomings. He was who he was *because* of the things that, at the time, felt as though they would break him. He hated sounding like a therapist, but realized that if he didn't at least *like* himself, and *know* himself…how could he possibly love anyone else?

This endeavor would take more time than he had, he realized. But he wanted to at least get in one good night of thinking before he went to Ryo; even though it was tempting to rush over to the other man simply because he was being awarded something that he'd waited an eternity for. Spotting a payphone, he hurried over to it, digging out some change and dialing Ryo's number. He explained as well as he could and told him that they would have to talk after work the following day, after a good night's sleep. Ryo sounded disappointed, but relented, not really having a choice in the matter. He informed Dee that he could return to work tomorrow; that he had gotten his badge back and had taken care of Rose for the time being. 

Dee looked up at the cloud covered night sky, with its swirling greys and almost blues. Only a few stars were visible through the thick tendrils of clouds, but they were all the more beautiful in their solidarity. He let out a breath, watching it take a discernible form in the cold. As a child, he'd always thought the effect made him look mystical, like a dragon perhaps, letting out his magic into the cold night air and watching it evaporate and float away into the alleyways where real life took place. 

Shoving his hands back into his pockets, Dee let out a 'hmph' and continued walking. He knew he wasn't a dragon, but a mere man, and this man had things to think about. 

*******************************************

Ryo kept still and quiet for a moment after hanging up the phone. He had a feeling in his gut that he didn't like. It wasn't completely unpleasant, nor unfamiliar…but he just couldn't place it. Was it disappointment? He certainly was disappointed that Dee wouldn't be coming over – but he *knew* disappointment. Was it mere uneasiness? Of course he felt a little unsure, not having solidified anything with Dee – but that just didn't seem right either. 

He stood and headed for the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. Perhaps it would help calm him. Bikky came walking in, an unreadable look on his face. His blonde hair was in disarray from having been in bed and he flopped into one the chairs at the kitchen table. 

"Is Dee comin' over?"

"No" Ryo told him quietly while he finished preparing his tea. "He's had a pretty rough day, kiddo. I think he just needs some rest."

As Ryo turned to sit beside him, Bikky let out a quasi snort. "Yeah…he's seemed…weird lately. Is he alright?"

"I don't know" Ryo said very softly. 

Bikky watched his foster father's face contort into an odd mixture of sadness and concern. Ryo seemed to be looking beyond him…at something that wasn't there. Understanding that he didn't understand, Bikky quietly excused himself and did not take offense when Ryo didn't even notice he had gone. 

The feeling in Ryo's stomach intensified. It didn't burn through him the way that passion or anger did, but rather, spread out all through his being. It was…warm…in a way. He suddenly realized what it was, even if he still had no name for it. 

Of course he was disappointed and anxious…but above all…he worried. He was concerned for Dee, his partner and friend if nothing else. He loved the man in a way he couldn't define, and found that his concern for him overrode everything. It wasn't romantic, really…this feeling…but it wasn't unromantic either. And for some reason, this *didn't* confuse him. Dee had been through so much lately, and more than anything…Ryo wished for his happiness. He deserved it. 

Ryo realized then that no matter what happened, he would be forever grateful for this feeling – this *genuine* care that warmed him from the inside out. 

**********************************************

_'It's about damn time.'_

Dee finally reached his car. He was worn out in every way imaginable. He realized that he could have taken a cab, but preferred the walk, thinking it might clear his head a bit. He fished his keys out of his coat pocket. When his fingers brushed against something, he remembered the envelope Ryo had given him. 

He unlocked his car and slid into the driver's seat before digging the parcel out. Flipping it over, his eyes widened a bit at the wax seal. He hadn't ever actually seen one, and found it kind of interesting. Regardless of his thoughts on JJ's decorative sealing, he broke the seal in two and opened the envelope. He'd noticed that it was thick, and so he wasn't surprised when he found not only a letter, but a key and a tape. He laughed to himself, thinking it all seemed very 'Mission Impossible'.

"This letter will self-destruct in thirty seconds." He said aloud to no one in particular. 

Figuring that if he wanted to know what the key and tape were he might as well read the letter, he unfolded the paper and let his eyes run over the words. 

_Dee__,_

_I guess by now you know I've left. I'm sorry for deceiving you. I wanted to tell you, but having you with me felt so nice that I couldn't bring myself to ruin it. I would never hurt you intentionally, you have to know that. Everything happened so fast…I just…didn't know what else to do. _

_I'm sure you know by now that I left so that you could be with Ryo; but we'll get to that in a moment. I want to tell you…god…I want to tell you a lot of things. But I'll settle with a few. _

_I want you to know that you have been the single most influential person in my life. From the day I laid eyes on you, I knew you would change everything…and you have. Of course…things haven't really gone according to the plan I hatched back in the academy, but that's okay. You've taught me many things, most of which I can't even begin to put into words, and for that I am forever grateful to you. There have been times in my life that I wished I was anyone but me. But after spending the last few days with you, that's changed. If I'm someone you see fit to call your equal; If I'm someone you think you could have loved…then I think I'm glad to be who I am. You gave me that, and I've never had it before. I thank you. _

_I'd like to say that I'm sorry I took advantage of you that night. I'd like to, but I can't. I'm sure you can imagine why. I've never needed anything the way I needed you then, and I'd like to think that somewhere, you needed me too. Maybe that's just my imagination, but I'll keep believing it anyway. I've had many lovers. I've had many people touch me in different ways; but you touched something deeper. Something that I thought was gone. I now know that it isn't and again, I thank you. _

_I love you. I know what love is, what many people think it to be, and I think that this is something different. I don't love you in the way that I imagine taking long strolls on the beach. I don't love you just because you make my pulse race when you walk by, reminding me that I do still have a heart. I don't love you for your potential. I love you just the way you are. I love *knowing* you. I love looking at you and realizing that life can't be so bad as long as you're in it…in whatever way. I love that you gave me a reason to wake up in the mornings; for myself and no one else. I thank you for that, too. _

_I wish I could be strong enough to stick around, but I'm not. I'm not strong enough to see you with Ryo; but knowing that you're happy will be enough for me. I'm sure we'll meet again, but I do not fool myself into thinking that I will ever share this intimacy with you beyond this point. And do you know what? That's okay. Just being with you at all was more than I'd ever thought possible. _

_I hope you can forgive me. Somehow, I think you will. I know you, Dee. I'd like to say that maybe when I get back we could have dinner and catch up, but I think we both know better than that. I'm not sure where my life will take me after this, but I do know that no matter what, it's better having had you in it. _

_The tape is Commissioner Rose basically saying he's above the law and admitting to the Ryo chasing he does. I thought you might need it, just in case you do something drastic…if you haven't already. Try not to use it unless necessary, as the deal was for him to send me instead of Ryo. He kept his end of the bargain, and I try to keep my word if possible. If you do need it though, it should help you out. The key was the spare I kept. Keep it, for now. I know how you feel about your apartment. I know that soon you'll probably be living with Ryo, but until then, you are welcome in my place anytime you feel like it. Everything should stay in working order, as my family has no idea that I've left and will continue to pay the bills. _

_I'm sure you're wondering how I found out that Ryo actually wanted you. That night at the hospital, a letter fell out of his pocket. I picked it up and read it. I won't make excuses for my nosiness at this late hour. It was addressed to you, but I read it anyway. After knowing how he felt, I couldn't just go on pretending you were with me because you wanted to be…even though I tried to. You deserve your chance. That letter is behind this one. I'm sure Ryo would have a fit knowing that I gave it to you. I told him I burned it. I think you have a right to see it; god knows how long it would take Ryo to tell you all of this stuff otherwise. _

_Take care of yourself. As much as it pains me, I'll most likely think of you all the time. Try to think of me occasionally, okay? Don't ever change. Don't let *anyone* smooth out your rough edges. They make you who you are and there is something to be said for the distinct feel of coarseness as opposed to the ordinary smooth. You don't break the mold, __Dee__, you make a new one. _

_JJ_

Dee took a deep breath in through his nose, and slowly out through parted lips. He felt a prick behind his eyes, but no tears came. Perhaps he was simply too tired. He didn't know what to think…but had he ever? He wanted to read Ryo's letter, but found that he just didn't have the emotional capacity to do so. It would have to wait a short while, while he gathered himself together. 

He started the car and headed for JJ's. He really didn't want to go home, and something in his brain now called out for the scent of the other man. He made it there and inside without any trouble, barely noticing the drive amidst the thoughts swirling through his head. Once inside, he toed off his shoes and flopped onto the large bed, fully clothed. Looking to his right he noticed that the picture was gone. He laughed. It had been gone that morning too, but he hadn't noticed. He noted how unfair it was that said picture could taunt him even when it wasn't there. 

He settled back onto the pillows, preparing to read Ryo's letter and then *try* to sleep. It struck him how contorted his world seemed these days – how the orphaned boy who never got enough love now had so much that he didn't know what to do. Dee closed his eyes briefly and let the thought wash over him. Love was confusing and a damn site more trouble than he'd ever imagined it to be. But it was exquisite. Even though he lay there alone, having no clue what to do, a softness rested beneath him even more cushioned than the king sized bed. He loved and was loved in return. For all the trouble it had caused him, he couldn't find it in him to be any less than grateful. It was so beautiful he thought it might break him. 

With a smile that might have seemed out of place to anyone else, he unfolded the other sheet of paper and began to read.

*********************************************************

TBC

Okay lovelies. Sorry if this chapter was boring, but it was necessary. I didn't take much time on Ryo's letter because we all know what it says already. 

The next chapter is the last one, and will be posted with the epilogue. I haven't even started it, and it's a doozy so it might be a week before it gets here. Then again…it might not. It comes when it comes, I guess. 

Yup, you guessed right. No pairing for you until the final chapter. Evil bitch that I am, that's the way I want it. So there. So yeah…next chapter you get your answers. Lucky for you, huh? 

Please review…oh come on…make a sick person happy. ^.^

Love and Kisses, 

Reika


	21. When it rains, it pours

Author's note.

Even though I know ff.net posted up yesterday that a/n were no longer allowed, I weighed it, and think I need to post one anyway. 

I am so very sorry for the lateness of the chapter. I have been hospitalized twice since my last update, the most recent time being last night. There will now be two more chapters, plus the epilogue, b/c I'm going to need to get back into the feel of the characters. I really want to write it, but it is impossible for me to do so while both very ill and full of morphine. (This letter is being dictated). 

I am so terrified that you will lose interest in my story. Please, please don't abandon me. I am so very sorry that I can't get it posted, but I promise that I will do it as soon as I can. 

I hope that I will soon be well enough to satisfy you. 

Thank you for your time, and again: please don't give up on me. I'll be back, I promise. 

Reika 

P.S. To any ff.net staff, I apologize for knowingly breaking the rules. I felt I needed to post an a/n so that my readers could know why no new chapters have been added to an otherwise quickly updated story. I will remove it after I am well, if necessary. I just couldn't simply let my readers hang on, wondering why the story never got updated. Again, I apologize. 


	22. And After All We Have Come Thr

Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE, or any of it's characters. I make no profit from this.

Author's notes:

Hi, all. I'm back. I won't go into all the reasons I've been gone for so long, as they are my own, but I will say that I'm sorry for the long absence. I never meant to let this story sit for so long. I apologize to each and every one of you. Hopefully, all that I've been through will show in my work, though, and make up for it, at least a little bit. Thank you so much, for all of you still reading. It means a lot to me.

I've re-read this whole story, and will be doing some _major_ rewrites and corrections, but no real changes to the story. There's a lot of work here, so it's going to take me a while. I've decided to finish it first, though, as I owe it to everyone who's been so patient with me, waiting for the ending of this story. Thank you again.

I've missed these boys, let me tell you. And I'm loving having them in my head again. I hope I can live up to the faith you've all had in me previously. I'll do my best.

Let me say thank you, again, for sticking it out with me. I promised you I wouldn't abandon a story – and I haven't. This isn't the final chapter, for reasons I explain in the notes at the end of the chapter. I know I have no right to ask for anything, but please, please review. I've been out of the fanfiction game for so long, and I'm very worried about staying true to this story, and to the quality of all the previous chapters. Getting back into such an involved story after so long is very hard. I've given it my honest effort, though, and I hope that soon the story will fit me as well as it did before, or better. Anyways…without further ado….here is your latest chapter!

Chapter 18…And After All We Have Come Through, I Give You My Only Real Truths

* * *

Sleep was an elusive bitch. But then – the best rewards were always hard-fought, weren't they? Like Ryo. Like himself. Dee almost laughed aloud at the irony of it all. He'd fought tooth and nail for just the _hope_ of gaining the man's affection…to no avail. And now, only when he'd given up his chase, did his quarry come to him.

Dee Laytner was many things – hot tempered, volatile, impulsive, rash – and so it perturbed him that he wasn't at Ryo's just then, basking in the glow of all that the other man was finally prepared to give him. No, he wasn't at Ryo's…and even more surprising…was that he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to be. Instead he was in JJ's bed, surrounded by the other man's scent, his memory. He wasn't exactly sure why he was there either; he only knew that he didn't want to go back to his own apartment. Although, perhaps that would've been the best, most objective way to sort his head out.

Still, there he was, and it was far too late to go home. Home – if only he knew where that was. He thought back over the letters, both of them. For all their differences, Ryo and JJ seemed to have a lot in common when it came to Dee. Both men professed deep sadness at the prospect of losing him, and yet…both were willing to give him up for his own happiness. And now…well…they were all in quite a mess. He remembered his conversation with Penguin. Regardless of the woman's seemingly infinite wisdom, he still felt that no matter which one he chose, the other would always be there. The feelings expressed in both letters were mutual, of course; Dee would never trade knowing either man for anything in the world. And yet…the emotional ties to both JJ and Ryo simply could not be severed…and were bound to cause some problems.

He tried to look at it from a logical standpoint. JJ had always known how Dee felt about Ryo, and although the sniper made no effort to mask his contempt for the other man, he dealt with it in a reasonably mature and understanding manner. Ryo, however, well…saying the Asian-American man had a jealous streak was like saying an elephant is "kind of heavy". Dee doubted Ryo would ever be able to accept that he actually loved the younger, silver-haired man. It was something that he would most likely never be able to speak of in Ryo's presence. Everything that he and JJ had managed to build would be boiled down to some euphemism like "the J word" – as though JJ were no more than curse word not meant for innocent ears. Ryo had always liked to play innocent. The fact that he'd actually had sex with the now absent JJ only complicated matters immeasurably. Once Ryo knew…and he was going to know…Dee learned a long time ago that skeletons only got heavier and darker the longer they're kept in the closet…things were bound to get ugly. No, Dee couldn't keep it from him, and found he didn't want to. He wasn't ashamed of the night he spent with JJ, and if he'd had the opportunity to change it, he wouldn't. However, this fact did not change that Ryo would no doubt be hurt and furious when he found out.

He thought about how to tell the other man, what he would say to soften the blow – both the blow to Ryo's psyche and (most likely) the blows to Dee's physical person. Resigned to the thought of not getting any sleep, he pushed himself up in bed and lit a cigarette. Dee supposed JJ wouldn't love the thought of him smoking in his bed, but then, JJ wasn't there, was he? Besides, Dee knew that, in reality, JJ probably wouldn't have minded, had he been asked. If something made Dee happy, and didn't cause any harm, JJ was content to let things be. He'd never dream of smoking in Ryo's bed – the man would probably throw him out naked, after breaking all his cigarettes. He found this to be both annoying and endearing…much like his jealousy.

At least he could go back to work; he'd have to find out how Ryo managed that. Dee knew that his actions in the Commissioner's office might have been over the top…but damn…pinning that self-righteous bastard against the wall felt _good_. He supposed he'd just go in, do his job, and afterwards he could talk to Ryo. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say yet, but it felt like he'd been acting on instinct a lot lately, and it seemed as though he actually learned more about himself when he just let it all come out, instead of over-thinking everything.

After more random musings, Dee finally realized that he couldn't mince words with Ryo. He'd have to just lay it out for him. He had no doubt that Ryo's initial reaction would be severe, and Dee could allow him that. But ultimately, Ryo could either deal with it, or…he couldn't. If he could, well…Dee didn't know what then…but they would work on that. If he couldn't…then there would be no hope for them. It wasn't as if he could take it back, even if he'd wanted to. And Dee wasn't prepared to give up the substantial friendship he'd managed to build with JJ, if nothing else…not for Ryo, not for anyone.

Yes, Dee Laytner was many things – loyal, honest, and uncompromising when it came to the people he loved – he just hoped Ryo could find it in him to respect that.

* * *

The hour was upon him. Dee still wasn't sure what he was going to say to Ryo, but he knew that whatever it was, he had to say it soon. He'd told Ryo he'd be over around eight, but at six-thirty he stood pacing in front of the other man's door. He'd already raised his hand to knock three times and hadn't gone through with it, unsure why he was so uneasy. He found it funny that at one time, not so long ago, he wouldn't have knocked at all, simply opening the door and letting himself in, maybe kicking off his shoes before just racking out on the couch…things were so different now. Finally, after nearly hesitating yet again, his curled fist made contact with the wood of the door. Dee could hear some pattering around before the heavy footsteps carried their ominous sound toward him. He knew without looking that it was Bikky who greeted him – Ryo was always light on his feet and quiet, even when he ran. It was one of the traits that defined him. Like the old adage "walk softly, and carry a large axe", Ryo was a hushed man, but a strong one.

For a fleeting second, something like relief shone through Bikky's tough exterior when the scruffy teen opened the door to find Dee standing on the other side. But as quick as it had come, it was gone again. He stepped back to allow the much-missed older man entrance.

"Ryo's in the kitchen. You're early."

Dee smiled at him, trying to rekindle some of the light-hearted animosity that was their previous dynamic. "Yeah, I know, squirt. Figured I'd come by early and check up on you when you don't have time to prepare."

The young man's reaction struck something of a sad chord in Dee when Bikky just shrugged and ambled back toward his room. "Whatever. Let me know when dinner's ready."

Dee nodded and headed for the kitchen. It wasn't like he could spend the whole night in a separate room from Ryo, in any case – best to get it over with. When he crossed the threshold into the room, Dee found himself awash in nostalgia. Suddenly, he was violently assaulted from all sides – scenes and smells and sweet tastes (as well as bitter ones) seemed to whip him about like a twister, abruptly and without warning. It spit him out just as quickly, hurling him helplessly toward the same man at the eye of his storm, still with his back to Dee, stirring obliviously. For the world and his head to be spinning so very fast, he was moving with such aching slowness that he could almost see the trail of his own hand as it reached forward to tap Ryo on the shoulder. To his surprise, Ryo didn't jump or seem startled at all. He let out a soft "hmm" and said simply, "you're early."

"Yeah." Was all he could manage, nearly choking on a mouth full of memories.

Dinner was a quiet affair, which wasn't something Ryo particularly minded, but there was an uneasiness about the four bodies sitting around his table. He caught himself, more than once, missing the banter that was at one time an inevitable headache whenever Bikky and Dee occupied the same dinner table…or room for that matter. He didn't know what had been worse, that Dee asked for the salt and Bikky had quietly and politely handed it to him, or that it was done with such indifference that no one seemed to notice the oddity. Even Carol, usually so vibrant and quick to comment, had been doing little more than pushing around her food and speaking when spoken to. Ryo had asked her over to keep Bikky occupied after dinner, since there was no other way to keep him from eavesdropping. Ryo didn't know exactly what he wanted to say to Dee, but he did know that the thought of Bikky listening in made him uncomfortable.

With the meal finished, Cal dragged a reluctant Bikky to his room, but not before giving Ryo an encouraging smile. The two men grabbed a bottle of merlot, along with two glasses, and stepped out onto the balcony of Ryo's apartment. The night was cold, but bearable. The chill was a small price to pay for the freedom to breathe the crisp, fresh air. Ryo poured Dee a glass of the rich, red liquid, before pouring himself one and turning away to look out over his little corner of the city. They sat in silence, both men trying to figure out what to say to the other.

"Dinner was okay, I hope?" Ryo finally uttered.

Dee let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and moved closer to the other man. "Dinner was excellent, as always…" he hesitated, then "…Look, Ryo, I didn't come here to have dinner, even though it was great, and you know that."

Ryo turned slightly, to look Dee in the eyes. "Yes, I do."

His look shifted away again, out over the city lights, small bursts of all colors, just like the people who lived beneath them. He sighed, and took another sip of wine.

"What did you come here for, then, Dee?"

Silence hung over them a moment, before Dee took a deep breath and let his answer rush out of him with the much needed air. "I read your letter."

As surprise and indignation blossomed on Ryo's face, Dee struggled to find the right words to explain how he'd gotten the letter Ryo had thought reduced to ash.

"JJ left it for me. He said he told you he burned it." At the still angry look in Ryo's eyes, Dee sighed. "He didn't mean any harm, Ryo. He just…thought I needed to see it. He said you'd never tell me otherwise…he was probably right."

Ryo's voice was terse, and curt. "Well, that's hardly his call to make, is it?"

Dee shrugged. "He was only doing what he thought was best for me. Not so different from what you did, is it?"

Ryo seemed to have no answer. He visibly calmed a bit, and closed his eyes, before turning to look back out over the city. "So you read it. It _was_ written to you, I suppose."

Dee nodded. "It was. I'm glad I read it. It…meant a lot to me. I've missed you."

Ryo answered without looking at him. "I've…missed you too."

Dee straightened, sucking his lower lip into his mouth a moment and furrowing his brow, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to. "Was it true?"

"Was what true?"

"The letter, what you said…was it true?"

Ryo wanted to be offended. Of _course_ it was true. He didn't plan on Dee ever seeing it, and wouldn't write a page of lies for his own benefit. The question was mildly insulting. He reined it in, though. Dee had been through a lot during the past few days, and it couldn't be held against him if he was a bit wary of those closest to him. He hesitated, as he so often did when his personal life got sticky, and hated himself for it. He could hear Dee's doubts creeping back up on him, pushing him further and further away from the other man. He couldn't stand the feeling, so he closed his eyes and opened his mouth, to let one of his core truths out into the night air.

"Yes. Yes it was…_is_….true." Ryo kept his eyes firmly plastered on the pavement below, gripping the railing and using all his will to try and still the shaking of his hands. "I…I…I love you. I do."

Dee was taken aback. He hadn't expected Ryo to be able to say it, though he'd hoped for it for years. However, after a moment, the shock wore off and Dee took a long look at Ryo. The man's eyes were focused intently on a square-foot block of pavement a few stories down, and his knuckles were white from his grip on the railing, which showed no signs of loosening up any time soon. Dee closed his eyes and sighed.

"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that, Ryo. But…can you look me in the eye and do it? Can you keep your eyes wide open, look at my face, tell me that…and mean it…no matter what?"

Ryo didn't move for a long moment, as though he hadn't heard Dee at all. After a while, Dee had almost given up and let out what felt like his thousandth sigh of the evening. He was ready to head inside, and back home, when Ryo turned, and looked him dead in the eye.

"I love you, Dee."

The sheer force of it nearly knocked Dee over. He caught himself on the railing, and closed his eyes tightly. It was as though some force bigger than himself had reached into his chest and pulled out a stone so heavy, he hadn't known he could live without it – but he could. He was still confused and bewildered, but at that moment, Dee felt he'd finished the race. He had been running and running and running for over 2 years, thinking he could never win, and suddenly, he could breathe again…because he was finished. In the end, it hadn't mattered who had won, but that the journey had been made, and Dee had stuck it out to completion. He couldn't help but let out a small laugh, when a noise from Ryo shifted his attention.

"Well…if nothing else, all of this nonsense with JJ brought something good from it. If it weren't for that nosy little…well…I doubt I ever would have given you that letter."

Dee was upset by Ryo's comments about JJ, though he was not surprised. It wasn't what Ryo said that prompted him to speak up, however, but that Ryo could say such things with no thought that they might bother him. It wasn't just a jealous attempt to belittle Dee's relationship with the other sniper; Ryo honestly thought it didn't matter. Dee could not let this pass.

"It isn't nonsense." He said clearly, and to the point.

"What?" Ryo asked, oblivious to what Dee was referring to.

"The time I spend with JJ – it isn't nonsense."

Dee could almost see Ryo's pulse speed up. "It _wasn't_…or _isn't_? And what do you mean it isn't nonsense. Of course it is. None of this would have ever happened if we both hadn't been so stupid and stubborn. JJ is just a side-effect of that."

Dee shook his head and clenched his fist, trying to keep his anger in check. "I'll agree that we're both at fault here; I'll admit to that. I'll also give you that I probably wouldn't have started spending time with JJ if we hadn't had problems…but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean I'm not glad for it. I wouldn't take it back, Ryo."

Ryo turned away, looking back over the city again, his wine glass dangling over the sidewalk below. All was silent a moment, before he took a deep breath and finally spoke.

"Whatever the reasons…it doesn't matter now. JJ's gone, and maybe soon it'll be like he never happened."

Dee knew that what Ryo spoke couldn't be true. Nothing of what had transpired in the previous weeks could ever be forgotten, by any of them. Ryo might want to forget, but that didn't mean he would be able to…especially once he knew the extent of Dee's relationship with the now absent JJ. Dee didn't want to tell him; he didn't think there was any way possible for Ryo to take it well…but it had to be done. The longer he kept the information from him, the more it would seem like something he was ashamed of, and he refused to let that happen. He'd decided before complying with JJ's request that it wasn't something he could ever regret, and he owed more than that to JJ…and to himself. Before he could back out, or think better of it, he opened his mouth, and let the words take a life of their own.

"No, it won't ever be like that. JJ isn't some phase I'm going through; he _matters_ to me. I slept with him, Ryo. I mean…I…I _slept_ with him." Dee couldn't bring himself to say he'd made love to JJ, as it would serve as another slap to Ryo, he was sure. Nor could he say he'd fucked him, as that wasn't quite right either. He hoped Ryo picked up on the implication.

He stopped hoping when the silence was broken by the sound of shattering glass.

* * *

TBC

Okay, I know it's short, but this was just where the chapter needed to end. I know I said there was only one chapter left, but…I lied. I _hate_ when a story has been idle for a long time and then there's a final chapter just slapped on. It's so anti-climatic. So, as you can see, there will be at least a couple more. Again, I apologize for the looooong absence, but I told you I would be back…and I am. It's been a long, hard road…but I'm a better, stronger person for it, and a better, stronger writer, as well. I'm already into the next chapter, so don't worry about another long break. It's getting finished this time. It was hard getting back into it, but now that I am, I can't wait to finish.

You should all know that I've known the end to this story since the third or fourth chapter, and that hasn't changed. The story will end as it was always going to. As for what that ending is…well…you'll have to read and see. I've no doubt lost some readers, which is no one's fault but my own, but a big, wet, sloppy thank you to all of you still checking for updates. THANK YOU! **kiss**** kiss kiss**.

It means the world to me.

Next chapter up soon, I promise. I've missed this so much, and thanks for not giving up on me, or my work. Please read and review.

Love and Kisses,

Reika


	23. When We Cannot See Through The Fog

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, and please don't sue me.

A/N:

Okay…I don't normally reply to individual reviews, but this one warranted it.

**Ree**: Wow! You had a lot to say, didn't you? First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you seem so angry, but that's not my fault. If you have to pace, or punch a wall, that sounds like a personal problem. If my story upsets you so much, why would you read all 18 chapters? I will respond to your review in sections, according to the points you made.

#1 – No, this does not need an AU. I started this story before all the manga was released in the US, and I clearly stated that I was not taking the later volumes into account. The story takes a different route than the manga ended up taking (as a lot of fanfictions do), but that does not make it an AU. I'll give you that it's taken some twists the manga wouldn't have taken…but that's why it's _fanfiction_. Say it with me now – f-a-n-f-i-c-t-i-o-n. The whole _point_ of fanfiction is to give fans interesting, diverse, and quality stories based on the manga/anime/book/movie/etc. If details and endings – and yes, some character behavior – weren't different, there wouldn't _be_ fanfiction. Ultimately, my story takes place well within the FAKE universe, and therefore does not necessitate an _alternate universe_ label.

#2 – As for the boys being out of character. If you think so, then you are entitled to that opinion. I, however, disagree with you. I've taken some liberties with their characters, but I like to think that I've only _extended_ them, not changed them. JJ has had a complete overhaul, but let's face it, he didn't _have_ much of a character in the manga. I've taken their characters from the manga, as I interpret them, and used what I know of human nature and emotion to build a story around it. That's what fanfiction _is_.

#3 – As for Dee's almost night with JJ, and his later night with him; I won't address or defend that here. I've addressed it before, and explained my thoughts on it. We won't ever agree, and I'm not here to argue with you.

#4 – The long distance thing? I'll give you that it can be done. Does it work? No…not usually. I've been in 3 serious, long-term, long distance relationships, previous to writing this story. I carried on my marriage here while my husband was in Europe, Iraq and Afghanistan. It didn't work out; why is no one's business. I'm the _queen_ of long distance relationships. I'm the last person to say they aren't worth the effort…but I also know how very difficult it is. If you've _heard_ of people, that's great, but the long and short of it is that the way things worked out in the story is how I chose them to. Whether things had gone the way I put them, or the way you seem to think would have been best, neither is a stretch of the imagination.

#5 – **"****As for ****Dee****'s new emotions for JJ... THAT is quite possibly the most unrealistic thing in the story." **Dearest, THAT is a central focus of the story. If it irks you that much, you shouldn't be _reading_ this story. THAT has been apparent since the first chapter. You can't claim I just sprung it on you. You said you don't like love triangles. This entire story is one big, fat, love triangle. Why would you read it, then? If you disagree with it, but continue to read, it's no one's fault but your own if it makes you angry. #6 – I'm not going to go into a long explanation defending the Dee/JJ angle. I don't owe that to anyone, and I shouldn't have to. You keep mentioning that my story doesn't make sense. It would be one thing if you were referring to my skills as a writer; but you don't seem to have a problem with that (Thanks for the compliment, by the way). You seem to think that it doesn't make sense in that the characters wouldn't do something the way I have them doing it, or react the way I have them reacting. Well, people don't _make_ _sense_. _Nothing_ romantic I've ever done or felt in my life _ever_ made sense. That's what makes love so much fun and so painful as well. That's what makes us beautiful. #7 – **"****As for the final chapter... What were you thinking? I don't know why you're wasting talent on things like this. If you want to change things so much that the characters are practically unrecognizable, why don't you write a proper AU, or at least label this as such? Or better yet, try original fiction. Then you can pull all the unrealistic plot twists you want."** Thanks for the tiny, back-handed compliment. I won't defend myself or my story against the rest of that statement. I like constructive criticism, and any advice that I can learn from and grow as a writer. This is not it. #8 – In closing, what it sounds like is that you want everything to be just as it was in the manga. If that's so, go _read_ the manga. The goal of fanfiction is to shape and mold new stories out of pre-existing characters and situations. That's what I've done. What would be the point if everything was the same? Why write fanfiction at all? It's one thing to get angry because the story doesn't seem to be going the way you want it to, but you seem to have problems with the very structure of my story, from its first chapter. What it boils down to is this – _I_ don't think there are any structural problems with my tale. I'm extremely proud (and blown away) by all the positive responses I've gotten. _You just don't like it, _simply put. I appreciate the effort it took to write such a long review telling me why, but it offered no constructive criticism. To satisfy you, I would have to take the story down, or abandon it. Sorry, but that's just not going to happen – and I won't be changing the characterizations, labeling, or plot. This story isn't _ever_ going to be what you want it to be; and I'm guessing that it will continue to anger you. So, since reading it causes you problems, and your reviews are discouraging and offer no construction at all, do us both a favor, and don't read it. Reika 

**On a lighter note: **WOW! I was just blown away by the response to the last chapter! To tell the truth, I was under the impression that I'd lost most of my readers. I had expected maybe a couple of reviews, but damn! Thanks guys!

Seriously…thank you all so much for sticking around and not hunting me down with pointy objects. It's nice to see the familiar faces (Woot, **Sparkle**!), and it thrilled me to see the new ones, too. I've missed you guys; thanks for the faith in me. For all the newbies, thanks for giving me a chance; I'll do my best to make sure you'll be glad you did.

I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I had some health problems (calm down – nothing life, or fic-threatening, lol)…so I've been down a lot, and bombarded with doctor visits. All looks okay now, so no worries.

Even though this one took a little longer to get posted, it's longer than the last one; so I hope that makes up for it, even just a little. Also, this chapter is pretty damned heavy, and very emotional; I didn't want to rush it. I hope you agree.

Hee hee – the new Harry Potter came out, too. I was a bit wrapped up in that, and then, of course, the theories that always come post-book.

Ooh, also on sale, NIN tickets for the DC show in November. Double WOOT. My Trent Reznor obsession (which I've realized is bordering on unhealthy since I had that dream where I made him drive me to find Neapolitan ice cream at 3 in the morning) freakishly coincides with my Severus Snape obsession. It also turns out I'm not the only one who sees the resemblance (seriously…google the two together). Now if I could only talk Trent into wearing those robes….drool.

Thanks, as always, goes to my muse, my significant other, my Bonnie (of Bonnie and Clyde fame), my Jasmine (who I so heinously forgot to thank last chapter). Thanks for everything, babe.

Oh! ATTN! WARNINGS: I busted $$ on revisions for this one, writing and re-writing…but it still hasn't been beta-read. Sorry if anything slipped by me. Angst be here! Consider yourself warned!

Now that I've used up two pages babbling on, here, my lovelies, is your next chapter! Please read and review.

Chapter 19…….When We Cannot See Clearly Through The Fog

* * *

Dee didn't have to look up to know where the sound had come from. At least broken glass wasn't something uncommon on the street of Ryo's neighborhood. He had no doubts that sooner or later Ryo would regret dropping one of his good glasses, though. He couldn't say he was startled, as he'd been expecting something of that nature, or worse. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable explosion…and waited…and waited. When no sparks came, he tentatively opened his eyes. Ryo was gripping the railing again, his eyes closed as tightly as his fingers around the metal bar keeping him from falling several stories to the pavement below. Dee wasn't sure what to say to the other man, even though he wanted Ryo to scream at him, throw something, _anything_ to show he had heard him, and all that his statement hadn't said. He wasn't sure if his attempts to explain would make things worse or better, so he held his tongue and tried to be patient.

Eventually, Ryo's grip slackened, and Dee could see the tightness of his jaw fade. He was taking slow, even breaths and exuding a calm that, quite frankly, scared the shit out of Dee. He'd been prepared to fight off harsh words (and possibly kitchen utensils), but he was completely blind-sided by Ryo's quiet and cool demeanor. He still hadn't gotten his bearings when Ryo burst into movement, coming toward him. Dee closed his eyes, waiting for the fallout, when Ryo swiped the other man's wineglass off the small table Dee set it on earlier. He tossed the liquid back in one swig, pouring it in faster than he could swallow, and causing a tiny red stream to run from the corner of his mouth and down his chin. Dee watched him quietly, still uncertain of what to say, or do. When Ryo had finished his drink, he set the glass back down and gingerly wiped the wine away with the back of his hand. A slight flush blossomed across his cheeks and the pale bridge of his nose, but Dee couldn't know if it was due to embarrassment or the alcohol. He found the pink bloom appealing, but thought better than to mention it.

The two men stood staring at one another for a long stretch, both terribly unsure of themselves. Ryo sucked his berry-stained bottom lip into his mouth several times, not quite looking Dee in the eye. After a bit, he shifted his gaze to a brick a few feet from Dee's shoes and let his eyes go unfocused before shrugging noncommittally.

"Well…did you get it out of your system?"

Dee blinked, Ryo's question hauling him back to reality. "Did I get _what_ out of my system, Ryo?"

"Sex, JJ…any of it…all of it…"

Dee ran a hand through is hair, frustrated. "Damnit it, Ryo. You're not _listening_ to me. It wasn't a matter of getting anything out of my system. If I wanted to screw around or sow my wild oats, I would've done it a long time before now; and I sure as hell would've picked a situation that wouldn't cause…" he waved his hands about him, nearly frantic "…all _this!_"

If Ryo noticed Dee's movements, he made no mention of it, keeping his eyes glazed over and pointed firmly on the ground. "Do you love him?"

Dee sighed heavily. He couldn't lie, but the question warranted more than a simple yes or no answer. Unfortunately, he could tell that Ryo would accept no less, and hear no more. "…Yes…"

Suddenly Ryo's eyes regained their fierce and sharp clarity that Dee had always found so striking. He found himself, not for the first time, feeling like those obsidian orbs were going to slice right through him as Ryo whipped his gaze back to him. "What are you doing here, then?"

Dee wanted to answer, long explanation though it was going to be, but before he could utter a syllable, Ryo spoke again. His voice was so cutting his tongue could have been a razor, but Dee could hear the faint quiver beneath the words that the other man was trying hard to mask. "I suppose you're going to say you love me, too?"

Again, Dee found himself trapped in a corner, able only to give the simplest of answers to a question, and a man, that deserved so much more. "Yes."

"Maybe we're just not on the same page, Dee. When you love someone – when you _really_ love someone – there isn't _room_ for anyone else."

Dee looked down to where Ryo kept his hands. They were still, hanging at his sides, but the dark-haired man could see them shaking. When Ryo noticed his stare, he clenched his fists several times, trying to get his nerves under control. Dee looked straight at Ryo's face then, and tried to speak with conviction on the things he believed, though it was hard not to comfort the other man.

"I don't know what else to tell you, Ryo. I do love you, I always have. I probably always will. You can argue with me about it, but it's real to me, more so than anything else ever has been. I think you know that's true. You asked me about JJ, and I told you the truth – my truth. I'm sure you'd rather I lie, even though you'll claim otherwise…but it's just not in me to lie to you – I never have, and I never will. I don't know when it happened, or how, or why, but it did."

At Ryo's silence, Dee continued, getting his words in while he could. "I don't love easily, Ryo, but I love hard. You know that better than anybody. I love so hard sometimes it feels like it'll break me, and it doesn't just go away – not with you, and not with JJ. It's not easy for me, either. Hell! It's not easy for anyone! The only difference is that JJ seems to _understand_ that and you don't."

Dee knew what was going to happen well before it actually occurred, but he made no move to stop Ryo as he raised his hand and brought it sharply across his former partner's cheek.

As soon as his palm made contact with the tanned skin of Dee's cheek, Ryo turned his back to him, rubbing his eyes in frustration and weariness. He paced the width of the balcony, talking fast and low, more to himself than to Dee.

"All of it…after everything…and it doesn't mean anything…"

Dee tried to get his attention, striding up to him and stilling his movement by placing strong hands on his shoulders. "What are you talking about?"

Ryo shrugged out of the grip, angry. "Don't touch me! After all I've been through, all I've put myself through for you! I've been through Hell and back, Dee, and now it doesn't _mean_ anything!"

Dee grabbed Ryo's wrist, despite the other man's struggling, and held him there. "That's not true, Ryo. I know this hasn't been easy, but it's not in vain! You're figuring out who you _are_ and that shouldn't be for me; it should be for you!"

Ryo clenched his fist and looked Dee in the face. "Let go of me, Dee."

Dee complied, and Ryo took a step back. His face was stern for a moment before it contorted into a mask of grief and hurt. Both men looked away. "I'm not a child, Dee. I understand what you're saying. My logic knows that you're right…but…it just _hurts_…and I can't help that. It's so _easy_ to say those things, but it doesn't change…" Ryo's voice started to crack as the lump in his throat threatened his composure "…it doesn't change how I _feel_."

"How do you feel?"

Ryo clenched his fists again. "I feel like I want to break something. I want to hit you. I want to scream. I want to hit you, and find JJ and shoot him. I want to run out the front door and just keep running until I don't have the energy to feel this way anymore. I want to hit you. I want to hit you until you feel as bad as I do, right now."

Dee sighed, moving closer to Ryo. "Then hit me. If it'll help, hit me."

When Dee closed his eyes, waiting for a blow, Ryo strode away a bit, to avoid the temptation. "Do you want to know what hurts the most, Dee? That even if I hit you, or threw myself off a bridge…it wouldn't make any difference. I feel like I'm going to die…and there's nothing I can do about it."

Dee knew what Ryo was talking about – a feeling of complete helplessness. The feeling of wanting so badly for reality to just be _different_…and knowing that there's nothing in the world that can make it so. He wanted to help him. At that moment, Dee would have given anything in his power to make the man who had resided in the center of his world for so long stop hurting. However, he was just as helpless as Ryo, and it killed him.

"Maybe I should go, for tonight."

Ryo shook his head. "Damnit, Dee, now _you're_ the one not listening! It doesn't matter whether you're here or not! It's not like I can just forget when I can't see you. There's _nothing_ that can make me feel any better right now, okay? Everything in me wants to hate you right now, and I can't, and it's all too much…"

Dee nodded, understanding as well as he could, and trying to respect Ryo's feelings. "What do you want me to do?"

Much to Dee's surprise, Ryo laughed, but there was no mirth in the sound. "I _want_ you to say you're sorry. I _want_ you to say it didn't mean anything, and that you'll never speak to him again. I _want_ you to want my forgiveness."

Dee opened his mouth to reply, but Ryo help up his hand, telling the other man he wasn't finished. "You asked what I wanted; I know that isn't what I'll get. I know you're probably not sorry. I know it wasn't meaningless. I know you won't cut JJ out of your life. And I know that I don't have any right to ask you for any of those things, and it's driving me insane. I can't make you do or feel anything. I know it isn't right…but it doesn't change what I _want_, damnit."

Ryo had expressed his feelings as well as he was able, but found himself getting increasingly frustrated at the English language's complete uselessness when it came to describing the angerragebetrayalshockinsultdisapointmentgriefconfusion that had been pooling in his gut. He had sensory flashes that touched on what he was feeling – flashes of color, brief sounds and the beginnings of words slamming together in their inadequacy. It had all been compiling languidly, ever since Dee had begun his slow slide out of his life. It seemed to churn and boil every time the man was near – nothing could be stagnant around Dee Laytner – and now it threatened to spill over. It was all Ryo could do not to let the rush go, bursting the gates and drowning both himself and Dee in his ire. He wasn't sure exactly what it was that would come out of him, since he couldn't even put it to words in his own head…but then again…he wasn't sure if that was due to his linguistic ineptitude, or the roar in his ears. He could feel his heartbeat in his temples, and clenched his jaw, certain the other man could see the violent thump rocking his body and making it hard for him to focus. Ryo wasn't sure how long he stood there, stoic to anyone who looked at him, but completely volatile and volcanic inside. It might have been hours before Dee finally spoke again; it might have been only minutes – Ryo honestly couldn't be sure.

Dee was worried about Ryo. He was prepared for Ryo's anger and he'd been cataloguing things in his brain to say to the other man if he needed to calm him. But Ryo's composure caught him off guard. Ryo wasn't saying much, but when he did speak, he seemed sedate…rational, even. Dee wasn't sure what to think; Ryo was either having some sort of Zen-like epiphany and making peace with…something…or he'd passed the line of hurt and anger. The latter notion troubled him. Ryo's emotions might have been chaotic at times, but they lived at the core of him. If he's shut himself off from his rage, who knew what would follow? Unsure how to handle the delicate situation, Dee dove in with some of the questions he'd been sitting on for some time…he'd never been good with delicates, in any case.

"What now? I mean…is this…is it something you can handle?"

Ryo seemed unmoved by the query. "I don't want to talk about it, Dee."

Dee rubbed his temples, exasperated, and feeling the emotional fatigue in his veins. "I'm not asking you to talk about it…well…no, I mean…I am. I think we should talk about it, at some point, if you can."

Ryo's expression did not change, though his tone carried a hint of annoyance. "Then what _are_ you asking me?"

"I'm asking if you'll _ever_ be able to talk about it. I'm asking if, a year from now, tonight is going to be referred to as something like 'That Which We Do Not Speak Of,' or if you…if _we_ can deal with it."

A pair of solid black eyes cut to green and the look clearly told Dee that Ryo found the request audacious. Even though the gaze held no affection, it relieved Dee to see it. It meant that some of the fire was still flickering in the man who had never seemed to realize just how bright and hot he burned.

"What is it with you and your impatience, these days? I have to tell you, Dee, that I don't like the current trend. You keep coming over here and demanding answers and actions from me _right now_. And tonight you lay _this_ on me. I had no _idea_. It's one thing to feel like your suspicions are confirmed…and I know I've gotten jealous before…but I never really thought…" Ryo trailed off briefly, unsure how to finish the thought, and letting his resolve slip slightly. However, it seemed to return to him before long and he picked up where he'd left off. "So you drop this on my head – and I don't know whether it feels more like a frying pan to the skull or a pillow being held over my face – and you want me to not only 'suck it up and _deal with it_', but to chat about it too? Well let me tell you something – I _can't_ deal with it right now…and I can't talk about it when I can barely stand to _look_ at you."

The words were harsh, as they were meant to be, and they served their purpose well; Dee was stung…but he supposed that was what he got for sticking his hand in the bee-hive. His first reaction was to pull it back and lick the wound, feeling reactionary tears pricking behind his eyes. But Dee Laytner was no push-over; he knew that Ryo was being defensive, and that he was playing off any feelings of guilt Dee might have had. He doubted that this was intentional, as it just wasn't in Ryo's nature; but even so, Dee was not one to be manipulated.

While Dee took a moment to determine his next move, Ryo continued to react. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that everything he was about to say would seem childish in retrospect. He knew that he probably sounded as he had never, ever wanted to, and not unlike those whose domestic disputes he'd been called to help resolve as a rookie. It wasn't hard to recall their faces, incensed and always looking old before their time. The scent of their irrationality and logic-blinding passion came back to Ryo without effort, along with his then inability to grasp how anyone could be so emotionally vexed that they would abandon their pride in the presence of a total stranger. Ryo never understood how something like a relationship could get to that point, and attributed his confusion to the notion that he simply wasn't _that_ type of person. If he'd had more time or available space in his head, he might have appreciated the irony of his current circumstance, and of the things he couldn't seem to help himself from saying. But he had been deprived of both, among other things on that frigid balcony, and so he opened his cupid's-bow mouth (after resolutely swallowing the lump that might have been his dignity) and let loose the monstrous questions assaulting him and spinning wildly in his head. He was sure they were questions he did not want the answers to; but that did not stop their piercing and relentless onslaught on the forefront of this mind. If Dee wanted him to talk about it, Ryo had plenty of things to say.

He tried very carefully to school his face into blankness…or some semblance of it, anyway. He knew that Dee could most likely read everything that he wasn't doing; but he refused to allow that to send him twitching and flinching back into the house. He would only spend the rest of the night, and many after it, torturing himself with the very same impassable wonderings that he was about to give voice to. Still, resolving to speak and actually getting any sound out of his throat were two completely diverse tasks.

"How did it feel?" Ryo finally managed to wrangle from his frozen voice-box.

Dee looked startled by the words, and Ryo hadn't expected anything otherwise. The first question, which felt just as much like an accusation, aided by the sudden faintly injured look that stole over Dee's features, had _clawed_ its way out of him. His brief struggle to keep it secured in its cage, nestled somewhere between his guilt and his rage, had not only failed spectacularly, but made it even angrier, more raw. It had torn out of him, eventually, because really, there had never been anywhere else for it to go. It left him gaping and torn and battle-ready. It was free now; and there was simply no stopping the siege that would follow.

"Was it as good as you remembered? Is JJ as good at it as he seems he might be? Did you start it? Or did he?"

Dee rushed toward Ryo, intent on shaking this nonsense out of him. These weren't questions Ryo wanted to ask; and they clearly weren't questions he wanted the _answers_ to. Initially, Dee thought the queries were put forth to provoke him; Ryo must've said them in some attempt to get Dee to refute any pleasurable references to the event in question. Once he got close enough to really see the expression on Ryo's face, however, he wasn't so sure. There was something in the way Ryo fired off his questions, one after another. It wasn't something he'd spent time calculating, searching out what he thought would sting the most. Dee couldn't pin down exactly how he knew this; it was just something in his gut. Being a cop, and a kid from the streets before that, he'd learned to trust his instincts. They hadn't failed him so far. He let the other man continue without interruption. This was something Ryo needed out of him. If it stung Dee in the process…which it undoubtedly would…then so be it.

Ryo'd had the barrage of vitriolic comments, or questions, or imputations (or all of these things) thick on his tongue, like poison; and although it was all he could do not to spit it out just to be free of it, he found himself abruptly thwarted. In spite of his best efforts – more effort than he'd put into anything in his life before that moment, it felt – he felt the hot sting of tears behind, around, through and all over his eyes. With this came the most unwelcome – but nevertheless unavoidable – quiver of both his lip and his voice. Ryo realized that by the time he could get everything, if he managed the task at all, he'd be nearly choking on the words. He cursed himself for it, but continued anyway.

"Was it sweet, and touching, and slow? Or hard and fast and brutal? Did he want you to touch his face and look into his eyes? Or did he want you to hold him down, and pull his hair, and bend him in half? And when you were touching and kissing and fucking him…when you were watching him watching you…did you hesitate? Did you think of me at all?"

Dee was struck more forcefully than he had anticipated. The inescapable pain and desperation in Ryo's voice struck something deep in the core of him. He didn't know if Ryo had truly meant to slash with his outpour, but he felt as though he too might just slip and lose his composure. Dee knew, however, that such behavior wouldn't get them anywhere – and more importantly – wouldn't help Ryo at all, but only serve to further confuse him, if anything. With this in mind, he kept his face deliberately neutral when he finally spoke. But he couldn't help but hope some sliver of his feelings managed to show in his eyes.

"I don't think…" Dee cleared his throat. "…I don't think you really want to know any of those things."

For a split second, something like shock flashed across Ryo's face. It was reactionary…as though he still couldn't completely reconcile himself with the reality of the situation. "You mean you would tell me? You'd give me the details if I wanted to know?"

Dee sighed. It was a burdensome sound. "I can't really deny you, if you want to know. You deserve to know…if it's what you _really_ want. But I don't think the details are what's important here...and I think they'll only hurt you, in a way that won't ever get better. I don't know if you're lashing out at me, or just letting out the stuff that automatically shot into your head when you fully realized what I'd told you…or if it's something you really and truly want to know – and I don't think you're sure what it is, either."

He took a moment then, focusing his green eyes on Ryo's black and trying with everything he had to bore into his partner and make him understand the magnitude of what he was asking. "I want you to think about this, Ryo. I want you to try, if you can, to calm down for just a minute…and _think_ about it. Damnit…once we get into this, it isn't something we can take back. Even if you had your way and we never spoke of it again…it isn't something you can ever forget. Trust me, I know. I don't know if I can…" and here his voice began to waver, "…I don't know if I can take having you look at me and always see something else. I don't know if you could take that, either. Please, just…" Dee trailed off. There was nothing more he could say to make his point, in any case. Any more words would only be babbling, helping tear down his increasingly fragile hold on his temper and emotions.

Dee knew Ryo well, and had a foreboding sense that all of it had passed a point of no return. His partner's jealousy was formidable, to say the least, and he imagined that anyone would want to know, if in the same situation…even himself. That morbid, masochistic curiosity was natural, he supposed. The thought offered no comfort. With nothing more to add, and determined not to run…Dee waited as patiently as he was capable.

The suddenly oppressive silence seemed to devour all the space on and around the balcony. It made it stuffy and hard to breathe – despite being surrounded by cool, fresh air. Ryo tried to do as he'd been asked – partly because the request had come out more like a plea – but mostly because he knew Dee was right. He knew that Dee's answers would only cause him more grief and resentment (unless, by some absurd miracle, Dee expressed nothing but his deepest remorse and intense disgust)…but the nagging, morbid curiosity still showed no signs of retreat. Curiosity wasn't quite the name for it, Ryo realized. 'Curious' implied an almost impish sense of wonder and a desire for information that was far more benign than what Ryo was going through. What he was feeling bordered more on obsession. Although he was confident that what he was asking would evoke an entirely new, and equally tormenting, set of problems for him to deal with, the current obstacle of _needing_ to know overrode his foresight, and better judgment.

If Dee _didn't_ tell him, the best he could hope for would be to one day reach a point where he could get through his day without the thought of it – or uninvited and unwelcome images – crossing his mind. The height of his success would be being able to touch, or even look at, Dee without the invasion of JJ's ghost, summoning the acrid taste of betrayal, like bile. The prospect wasn't something Ryo looked forward to, understandably. He couldn't presume to speculate what might be in store for their future once the leaden, unalterable words were unleashed…and that gamble frightened him. Regardless, Ryo knew he had no choice, really…not now…not at this point…not anymore. He looked at Dee with determination in his eyes, doing his best to let the other man know that he'd considered his words and refrained as well as he was able from jumping heart-first into the impulsive dramatics he had previously displayed.

"I want to know."

That one innocuous statement felt like a sentence to Dee. He was a man of his word; he would follow through with answers to anything Ryo might want to know. Still, the feeling that what he was about to say carried with it more permanence than even he knew would not relent. This would be a defining moment for the two of them; it's presence, and subsequent consequences, would either shine, eventually, as proof that he and Ryo could work through anything…or it would smolder forever as the disconnection that had broken them.

Somewhere along the line, Dee had made peace with the idea that this was not his fault, although it seemed that there would be little he could do about the pain and residual guilt for his handling of the situation – nor was it JJ's. The potential impasse that he and Ryo had reached did not reside within the _individual_ that Dee had formed a relationship with, nor within the situation as a specific, isolated event. Life was what it was; Dee had ended up where he was for whatever reasons. Whether Ryo chose to entertain the details of the night he'd made love to JJ or not, it brought them _all_ to a cross-roads – to a moment of truth and definition – that, really, had been inevitable. _This_ was simply _the moment_. The aftermath of anything that happened tonight on the balcony could, in part, testify to a possible _fundamental_ difference between himself and Ryo. These were all realizations that Dee supposed required catalysts, dramatic though they may have been. Dee had been too love-sick for the majority of their relationship for such things as insight. And even so…he'd never been especially prone to such deep, analytical thought. He rather considered it a "moment of genius", unique among his life-long disposition of street-smarts and calling it like it was. And as for Ryo…well…Dee harbored no doubts that all of this would have occurred (perhaps have even been obvious) to Ryo, who was far more proficient with profound thought than he was – had the man not already been caught up in a web of confusion and self-discovery.

Yes, Dee Laytner was a man of his word…but he couldn't help wishing Ryo would reconsider. He doubted the sharp-shooter had put the proper consideration into his request, and he debated trying one more time to express just how crucial he knew such deliberations to be.

It was as if Ryo had read his mind (or maybe it was just written all over his face), because no sooner had he opened his mouth to do just that when Ryo forced a strained attempt at a comforting smile. Ryo held up his hand, successfully arresting anything Dee had been about to say.

"I'm sure." Ryo said, simply. When Dee looked as though he might protest again, he continued. "I've thought about it…about all of it…and I know what I'm asking…and…and what it might mean."

Ryo paused a moment, steeling himself, then –

"I want you to tell me."

The stretch of total silence went on for longer than either man really knew what to do with. It was an awkward cocktail of shock, resignation…and finally…decision. Dee's teeth released his thumb, which – until that moment when the sting of torn and irritated flesh hit him – he hadn't been aware he'd been nearly maiming. He pinned Ryo with a severe look, and held it. When he was satisfied, he allowed his featured to soften.

"Okay."

* * *

TBC

WOW…I'm sorry again that this took soooo long. That's going to happen sometimes (though nothing like last time, so not to worry), so please don't fret over it. The chapters might not be immediate, but they will _never_ be rushed…and I think that's a fair trade.

I know there wasn't much plot development in this chapter, but I had to get the emotional stuff out of the way…and I wanted to do it right. I didn't want it to read like badfic, with over-the-top, but unexplained emotions, thrown in for drama's sake alone. I know some of this might be confusing at first…but I kind of wanted it to be…because emotions are confusing, and when something like that points uphappens, it's not likely to make sense in your head…let alone on paper.

Welp…next chapter, there's plot (I swear)…and **we get to see JJ again, yay! **He was originally supposed to be in this chapter, but it ended up longer than I anticipated, and I didn't want to make you wait anymore. Plus…well…this chapter encompasses everything it needs to, and _needed_ to end here. The next chapter shouldn't take as long. I'm getting some dental work done on Monday and will be home for a bit this week – should give me some time to churn it out. The plot spinning chapters tend to flow faster than these heavy, emotional ones, anyway. This one was a doozy, let me tell you. But it was chock-full of some _really_ complex emotions…and I really wanted to get it right.

The health stuff is looking good, so there's nothing to worry about there, for now at least. Thanks to all of you for your concern and support!

**Thanks again for the feedback (more would be greatly appreciated), and thanks for reading!**

Love and Kisses,

Reika


	24. Don't You?

Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE, and get no monetary profit from this story…only my own personal enjoyment.

A/N: Hey guys, I'm so so so sorry this took so long. I won't go on and on, but I've been very ill. Also very divorced, ha! Anyways, THANK YOU so much for sticking this out! I love you guys! Your reviews are what kept this (and me) going. Thank you so so so much.

You might want to read Or So The Saying Goes. And not just b/c I want you to (even though I waaannnntt you to :) but there are JJ references that you might not get as he is the focus of that one. Some things may make better sense in the chapters to follow (& this one).

Please read and review. I'd like to know if this is on par with the rest of the story.

Thanks a mill – Reika

Chapter 20………Don't you?

The room was nice enough, JJ supposed. There was an inn-like feel to it, similar to the character of Lake Placid as a whole, from what he'd seen, anyway. The staff at the hotel had been as helpful as he'd expected them to be – no more, no less. His room was sufficient for his needs, though not luxurious; he hadn't expected it to be anything special. But there was nothing about it that added to the suppressive, dismal weight that he had apparently carried with him from the city…so he couldn't really complain.

He hadn't had much time to sight-see during his first full day in the quaint village, but what he'd observed seemed peaceful, and he tried to remain optimistic that the time there would do him some good. The area had hosted the Olympics twice; there seemed to be a reminder of it everywhere he turned. The people seemed friendly, something which JJ was always appreciative of. There were a lot of really nice and interesting buildings, too. He made a mental note to explore, at some point during his stay, when he was more capable of giving the place the regard that it warranted. Lake Placid was littered with intriguing and elegant places to stay, far and above the modest accommodations he'd been placed in. But _he _wasn't paying the bills, and hadn't expected anything different, since it'd been left up to the state police to take care of the bills. If anything, he'd been pleasantly surprised at the comfort of the room he'd been placed in, expecting something more akin to a hovel than a hotel. But it hardly mattered, really, as JJ was positive that even the most lavish of lodgings would have done little to ease his misery, or the sting he felt every time he remembered just where he was and the circumstances which had brought him there.

In an attempt to focus on something (anything) other than Dee, he moved to the window and pulled the heavy, tacky curtains aside. They reminded him of the drapes of Tara, and he chuckled to himself at the thought of fashioning a dress from the weighty fabric. His very own dress…the smile faded fast as memories collided and shattered in his head, sending shards of glass into tender, fleshy places he'd thought impenetrable years ago. He secured the curtains out of the way with the equally tacky strip of matching material attached to the wall, tucking the nostalgia sloppily away behind them. He hoped the painful memories of the bright smile from one of the only people who had ever truly loved him weren't any stronger than the sunlight, and that the curtains – bound to be good for something – would succeed in blocking both. Almost as an involuntary action, he ran his hand over the embroidered fleur-de-lis, not noticing the skips in the gold pattern, proof of the toll the years had taken on the no-doubt once luxurious fabric. He missed his mother. The view was nice, at least, with clear skies and a vision of the water. JJ laughed aloud for a moment, struck by the memory of the movie sharing the name of the charming town. He wondered if he wandered down to the shore, whether a giant, prehistoric crocodile would pop up to say hello…and perhaps have a cup of coffee.

The sniper honestly didn't know which scenario he found most preferable, or absurd.

JJ was trying hard to stay focused…on several different things. He was trying to keep his thoughts on the tasks ahead of him; teaching other officers to shoot with razor precision was going to require his full attention. He found himself almost looking forward to the distraction. He held out little hope (if he were to be realistic) that the upcoming events would really make a significant difference in his thoughts, but couldn't help hoping for it anyway. He wasn't sure how long he could keep functioning in his current state. JJ Adams had always been a creature of emotion; moving vapidly from point A to point B and performing perfunctory tasks kept him functioning, but only in the barest sense of the word. This did not suit him well at all.

However…there were worse places to be stuck in than Lake Placid, certainly. At least he was upstate, where it was scenic and serene, instead of stranded somewhere that was both new and urban. He couldn't _think_ in new cities. In his younger years, this hindrance hadn't been a hindrance at all, and the opportunity would have pleased him…_thrilled_ him, even. He would have unpacked just what he needed to go out, sniffed out the scene's hottest spots, and christened his room good and proper with cheap wine and even cheaper lube. Back then, JJ hadn't particularly wanted to think…not about anything serious, in any case. Thinking about things led to dwelling on them…and dwelling on things usually only led to one of two places. The first was living with them, like a 2 ton deluxe-slab-o'-lead-and-guilt across his shoulders, and remaining so lamentably and irrevocably _educated. _The Second was dealing with them. Neither option had appealed to him, then; and so he had avoided any roads that might lead him on such an undesirable journey. In his present, more mature state, JJ could readily admit that dwelling, thinking and _especially_ dealing, resulted in some pretty agonizing grief, and was about as far from "fun" as humanly imaginable…but he knew he couldn't escape it; and wouldn't have been able to, even if he tried. Being inescapably caught up in his own desolation seemed the lesser of two evils, when compared to being both entangled _and_ incurably frustrated at his failure to purge the misery from his system.

Azure irises shifted from the window to the water and back to the window before ceasing their to and fro, locked onto themselves – their translucent, ghostly likeness staring back from inside the pane of cold, slightly wet glass. JJ briefly studied his reflection, taking in his feathery hair and wide eyes, set in his young, pretty face. He frowned a bit, pushing at the shock of silver draping over one glaring blue eye. He could easily pass for 19...if he wanted to. Before, this would have been excellent – regardless of the lack of respect from his uniformed peers, he would use his youthful appearance to his best advantage in...other ways. Neglectful of his present 'maturity', old habits banged at the insides of his head... "_...come on J-bird – you want to forget, then just give in...you know it's the only thing that'll work..._". The voice was evil. It lived in that place inside him he'd worked **so **hard to quell and store away from the light of day. It was destructive – like a tsunami; it rose above everything else and then crashed down, destroying all in it's path. If he was taken down with it, so be it – but the problem had always been all the other people who seemed to get ravaged in the wave. He almost started to remember his sister's pained face – after she'd risked everything just being in his life back then, yet he still seemed intent on self-destruction – he _almost_ remembered when one of the other officers knocked on his door.

"Yes, come in." He called in a voice that seemed too loud after his silent reverie.

Little did he know, he'd be in for the shock of his life when a blonde head poked through the crack of the opened door. A faint french accent wafted over to him, and although he hadn't heard it in years, it was with fierce and sharp clarity that he recognized it. Flashes soared through his mind, pretty words that he hadn't understood, but that had made him mad with eager want nonetheless. 'It can't be' he thought. But when JJ raised his head Émile Marcus' older, but just as gorgeous face grinned back at him.

"Hello JJ" he drawled in that voice JJ thought he'd forgotten. "I heard you were coming. It's...nice to see you again. Very nice."

JJ let out a perfunctory "Um...Hi" before turning his back and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Let me just get my things" he called.

This was going to be harder than he'd imagined.

*****~******~******~*****

"Okay"

The word itself was small, tiny even, but carried with it so much incredible and irreversible weight that Dee was, for one of the only times in his adult life, terrified. The words that would, that had to, really, come next had the potency to crush both of them and leave both himself and Ryo unable to move ever again. Still, Dee took a deep breath and tried to find the right way to say what he needed to.

"Well..." he began, unconsciously stalling and fighting the urge to chew his fingers off completely. "I thought...I thought you didn't want me, didn't want us...for there to even be an 'us'..."

After another long pause, Ryo ran a frustrated hand through his hair and motioned with his hand for Dee to get on with it, regardless of the twisting in his gut.

"I guess JJ found your letter."

At the mention of his own profession, Ryo's face went pink, much to his own chagrin. He fought off the embarrassment, needing, if not wanting, for Dee continue. "Yes, he told me that much."

Dee's head snapped up so that he was looking Ryo in the eyes. He hadn't meant for the words to come out, but had been unable to stop them. His eyes held a gleam, then, that cut right through Ryo's flesh and to the bone. "You spoke to him? What did he say? What did he say about where he's going?"

With the first flash of Ryo's icy glare, Dee immediately realized his mistake and dropped his eyes again. After a couple of deep breaths _(...'in through the nose, out through the mouth...in through the nose, out through the mouth'...)_ Dee looked up again, an odd marriage of resolve and softness in his gaze.

"This is what I meant, Ryo. I can't just pretend JJ doesn't exist. He was and is a part of me now. If you really want _me_, you have to accept that."

Ryo bit his tongue, tasting blood and jealousy, but biting back all the explicatives that threatened to spill out. Instead, he held up his hand and spoke as calmly as he was able. "Can we deal with one blow at a time? I asked you to tell me about how you fucked him, now do it!"

Dee winced at the anger and masked hurt in the words. "Alright." He took another second to think of what to say, and how to say it.

"Well...so JJ found your letter. That night, I guess he decided to take your place...out of some skewed or misplaced sense of nobility, I guess. And -"

"Skewed!? Misplaced!?" Promises and reserve be damned, Ryo couldn't help raising his voice. "You think what he did was wrong? You'd rather I would have gone?" In spite of himself, Ryo felt the little monster clawing at him again. It was borne entirely out of jealous rage and he let it claw it's way out, leaving his throat raw and red and torn in the process.

"You do, don't you? So, you've tired of the chase and would rather have the sure thing, wouldn't you?" The monster, that Ryo kept chained inside himself had already been waiting, sharpening it's talons the whole time, biding, biding, and boiling near the surface. It wanted only to maim, to injure and hurt. And having years to do nothing but sit and plot for years and years in the pit of his 'human place' it did it's job well.

Dee could have punched him. He wanted to. Mutilation by language wasn't in his nature, but that did not mean he couldn't give as well as he got. Somewhere, deep inside, he knew why Ryo was lashing out at him; he knew the other man was only trying to balm his own wounds, but Dee's temper won over his logic and he spit his next words at Ryo as forcefully as though they'd been shot from his gun.

"Yes." Dee said simply, narrowing his eyes and in strict juxtaposition to Ryo's hollering, his voice was sharp and quiet, slicing through the distance between them like a venom-sharpened knife. "I kissed him until my lips bled. I ran my tongue over every single inch of him. I bent him in half while he dug his nails in my back."

As the last statement left his mouth, Dee turned and lifted the back of his shirt, the gouges healing, but still quite present. He wasn't surprised when his already torn back received a kick, sending him hurling into the railing. His adrelaline was too hyped up to feel the pain, even though the back of his mind vaguely registered that he'd have one hell of a back ache in the morning. Gripping the rails of the balcony, his shirt dropped on it's own and he turned back to face the ire he knew would be splattered all over Ryo's face.

A silence passed, the space between them filling up with all the things they'd said...and all the things they hadn't.

Finally, Ryo narrowed his gaze and crossed his arms over his chest to keep from physically attacking Dee. Instead, he found his body betraying, or perhaps giving into the anger rage and betrayal that ate at him so viciously it felt like it was killing him from the inside-out. He lunged toward Dee, grabbing the front of his shirt and smashing his mouth against the other man's – the mouth he ran from so often. But that was Before. Now he kissed Dee brashly, desperately...anything, anything, to get him to Stop. Saying. Those. Words.

With his eyes closed, Ryo couldn't see Dee's expression of shock, and he didn't want to. However, his own countenance mirrored that of his former partner's when Dee forcefully shoved him away. In Ryo's current internal war of emotion vs. logic, there was really no question of the winner.

"Get. Out."

"What?" Dee asked, genuinely not hearing him.

Ryo's arm shot out, pointing at the door. "Get out! Just get out!"

Dee tightened his jaw, popping his neck from side to side, the way he did before he leapt onto someone furiously, usually doing some serious damage. But keeping himself and his temper in check, he spoke again with that harsh knife-tongue that sliced through the distance between them.

"Fine. I know I've already said this, but...if I go...I'm not coming back y'know?"

Ryo silently turned his back.

*******~*~******~*~*******

TBC

First things first – NOT over!!! I can't stress it enough. Don't assume anything ending-wise, as this is sooo not over. I warned you, so please don't flame!

Okay, again...I'm so sorry this took sooooo long, but I really was half-dead for most of the time. I'm back, though, and you can see (1 chapter and 2 stories in like a week and half...woot....) I've got the bug again.

Also, again, you might want to read Or So The Saying Goes. And not just b/c I want you to (even though I waaannnntt you to :) but there are JJ references that you might not get as he is the focus of that one. Some things may make better sense in the chapters to follow (& this one).

THANK YOU!!! For sticking with me this far...in sickness and in health, etc......you guys are what kept me going through this. I cannot say it enough.

Pls. Read & Review (Thank you!),

Love and Kisses,

Reika


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